Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

First you need to do therapy to understand why you chose him. And you did choose him, you didn't get suckered. If you don't do that, you risk making the wrong choice again. Speaking from experience here as someone who subconsciously avoided people who were good partners and ran after people who were unavailable until I did group therapy for adult children of alcoholics. Own your choice and figure out why you made it. Then move forward. Good luck with this. I know it's painful.

[Anonymous]

With a kid in the picture, I kind of think you owe it to her to try and fix things, but you don't have to be a martyr either. I'd recommend counseling. We were in a bad spot last year and I despaired that we were too far gone for counseling, but it has helped both of us tremendously. And around some of the same issues you mention too. For us, we found a counselor trained in the Imago approach and really like it: https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced. Your child doesn't need to grow up observing the contempt you feel for your husband. It's not your fault, but I don't see how things will get better when you look at the world in such different ways.

Also, heavy people get fatter as they get older. And people get more set in their ways and less likely to make big career changes.

[Anonymous]

Does he have other redeeming qualities as a husband rather than a father? If he knows that you think so badly of him, he may not feel confident to look for other jobs. Maybe you can help him identify other job prospects and encourage him to apply.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of what you choose to do, I think the suggestion of counseling is a good one. You obviously have a lot to unpack and I think you also need help (regardless of what path you choose) navigating things with a small child involved.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re contemptuous of him and do not appreciate whatever good qualities he has. He must have some, if he’s such a good father. Cut him loose so he can find someone who won’t scorn him because of his lack of professional success.

You sound really shallow to me, but it’s completely your right to value whatever you value, even if I personally think it’s shallow. Just recognize that you two aren’t a good match. It’s not because he’s defective, or even because you are defective, but you really care about things that he doesn’t really care about, so the outlook isn’t good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

[Anonymous]

Spend some time in therapy figuring out why you need him to be a certain way to respect him. There is a world in which he is contributing to the household through parenting and his basic job and you all are still having a great time together and you are grateful for the role that he plays in you and your child's life. You may find interesting answers as to why you cannot get there now. It could have to do with other undesirable or incompatible parts of his personality, or aspects of your personality that would make it difficult for you to be happy alone or with another person. These answers may or may not lead you to divorcing him anyway, and that is okay! But do some work first.

Good for you for identifying that you are not happy and do not feel secure in this current state of affairs. Now get to work yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

I have actually said to him "I don't think I can be a good wife to you because I don't respect you" but he says he does NOT want a divorce. He thinks I should lower my expectations.

I mean, duh? What do you expect him to say? “Yes, honey, that’s a great idea. Let’s break up our family because you find me contemptible!” Are you waiting for him to agree to the plan to move forward with it?

I would caution you on your expectations for a new partnership though. If you think your life will be better without him than with him, divorce makes sense, but if you need a new partner to be happy, you may very well be disappointed. Plus you risk a lot of instability in your dd’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other redeeming qualities as a husband rather than a father? If he knows that you think so badly of him, he may not feel confident to look for other jobs. Maybe you can help him identify other job prospects and encourage him to apply.

Yesterday I was on reddit and I saw a post with 400+ comments filled with women bitter over how their husband was unsupportive during labor. My husband was great during my labor and very involved in caring for our daughter as a newborn, giving me time to rest and recover when needed. Reading the post made me appreciate him. He brings my return packages to UPS. He puts gas in my car. He empties the garbage. He does dishes and empties the dishwasher. He is a pretty good listener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

That’s hot mess territory, op. You can’t replace her father with a newer, better model. Very few career ambitious guys are looking to marry a single mom with an ex and take on dad duties. Very messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re contemptuous of him and do not appreciate whatever good qualities he has. He must have some, if he’s such a good father. Cut him loose so he can find someone who won’t scorn him because of his lack of professional success.

You sound really shallow to me, but it’s completely your right to value whatever you value, even if I personally think it’s shallow. Just recognize that you two aren’t a good match. It’s not because he’s defective, or even because you are defective, but you really care about things that he doesn’t really care about, so the outlook isn’t good.

I don't think he is defective as a human but I don't respect him enough to be his wife, is how I feel right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

Thank you, I have thought this out carefully and am aware of all you write. I think it might be nice for her to have more siblings if he were to remarry, which I would not begrudge at all. She has a father, I wouldn't expect a new husband to be her father. But I think it would be good for her to see a husband wife relationship where the man is respected by the wife.