Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

No, she is not. She is recognizing she will never be happy in this marriage. She needs to leave rather than divorce later.

She’s not going to be happy in any marriage until she gets her act together. She is engaged in cognitive distortions that will follow her everywhere. Divorce won’t make them go away.

I think so. When she divorces, the envy and anger won't change. She feels she got jipped, married wrong brother, missed her meal ticket. The guy is great dad who must be very smart in academia. I don't think people quibble over fact Einstein didn't earn 400k selling widgets. Albeit his marriage was bad, but otherwise good comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Option 3 - Build your own kingdom with DH and get the F over fact his bro earns 400k/year. Maybe he has open marriage, side chicks, eats boogers, you don't freaking know. Salary isn't EVERYTHING. jesus you are so shallow

It's shallow when men do this, and it's shallow when women do this.

OP, it sounds like you will be miserable whatever you decide. Please get some therapy and make the best choice for your two year old, or leave her with her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

No, she is not. She is recognizing she will never be happy in this marriage. She needs to leave rather than divorce later.

She’s not going to be happy in any marriage until she gets her act together. She is engaged in cognitive distortions that will follow her everywhere. Divorce won’t make them go away.

I think so. When she divorces, the envy and anger won't change. She feels she got jipped, married wrong brother, missed her meal ticket. The guy is great dad who must be very smart in academia. I don't think people quibble over fact Einstein didn't earn 400k selling widgets. Albeit his marriage was bad, but otherwise good comparison.

Not true. I am divorced. For different reasons. But I felt the way she did...it was never getting better. I was deeply unhappy. I stayed like this for 10 years. When I got divorced, my cloud lifted and I was happy again. A bad relationship can make someone very depressed. Her child is young. It would be better to leave now. You have no idea how someone is going to feel post-divorce. I do not think she would feel the way you think she would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

I think this mind set is interesting. You say he's a good dad but your plan is to pretty much find replacement family unit as quickly as possible? This new person won't be your child's father.

You're going to be giving up 50 percent of her life. Holidays. He will date and move on and your daughter will have a step-mother. Your daughter might have additional siblings.

I just don't think the main focus here should be how quick you can find a new husband.

Thank you, I have thought this out carefully and am aware of all you write. I think it might be nice for her to have more siblings if he were to remarry, which I would not begrudge at all. She has a father, I wouldn't expect a new husband to be her father. But I think it would be good for her to see a husband wife relationship where the man is respected by the wife.

OP, I think you’re rolling the dice on this issue in a big way. It is just as likely that your daughter will grow up with contempt for you ditching her loving father for whatever guy you hook up with next. What if he’s an ambitious career oriented and fit person who also happens to sneak into your daughter’s room at night, raping her while you sleep oblivious in the next bedroom?

Yeah, I’m terrible for going there. But as a former prosecutor I’ve seen it far too many times. I can’t understand how a woman ditches a solid provider and loving father for the unknown without bending over backwards to save her child’s family first. And yes, that means some serious individual therapy to help you figure out why you are such a judgmental jerk.

Or, play roulette with your daughter’s future physical and emotional well-being, and see if you come out her hero or the person she can’t wait to get away from and estranges from at the first opportunity. You need to consider ALL the likely possibilities, and stop thinking you can CONTROL everything and everyone.

This response is a little much but I do agree with it. Get to therapy on our own and with your husband. My DH is a loving father and and very sweet to me but not ambitious and it does kind of bother me. I’ve increased my salary 3 x over while he has basically stayed in the same place and is totally fine with it. I didn’t realize this about me but I am attracted to ambitious/competitive people and he just isn’t that. But I love him for so many other reasons and I wouldn’t want to put my kids thru a divorce for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Get. Your. Depression. Treated. This black and white thinking and “dearly held dream” shit is depression talking.

Where did OP mention depression? A pill doesn’t create love. Or respect.

She doesn’t have to mention it. She is manifesting it.

No, she is not. She is recognizing she will never be happy in this marriage. She needs to leave rather than divorce later.

She’s not going to be happy in any marriage until she gets her act together. She is engaged in cognitive distortions that will follow her everywhere. Divorce won’t make them go away.

I think so. When she divorces, the envy and anger won't change. She feels she got jipped, married wrong brother, missed her meal ticket. The guy is great dad who must be very smart in academia. I don't think people quibble over fact Einstein didn't earn 400k selling widgets. Albeit his marriage was bad, but otherwise good comparison.

Not true. I am divorced. For different reasons. But I felt the way she did...it was never getting better. I was deeply unhappy. I stayed like this for 10 years. When I got divorced, my cloud lifted and I was happy again. A bad relationship can make someone very depressed. Her child is young. It would be better to leave now. You have no idea how someone is going to feel post-divorce. I do not think she would feel the way you think she would.

PP, do you think you'll leave him once your kids are grown?

Curious if those recommending op stay would give the same advice if the kid was 18+. My parents split when I was in college. It still affected me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

[b]1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

This is so dramatic. While I agree that divorce is devastating to kids (I'm a divorced mom), her daughter is TWO. I can't imagine that the impact would be that great for a 2-year-old. It could be much worse if she waits to divorce him once her daughter is older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

[b]1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world


+1 exactly
2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

This is so dramatic. While I agree that divorce is devastating to kids (I'm a divorced mom), her daughter is TWO. I can't imagine that the impact would be that great for a 2-year-old. It could be much worse if she waits to divorce him once her daughter is older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

[b]1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

This is so dramatic. While I agree that divorce is devastating to kids (I'm a divorced mom), her daughter is TWO. I can't imagine that the impact would be that great for a 2-year-old. It could be much worse if she waits to divorce him once her daughter is older.

+1 exactly!! Divorce is better now. Younger is much easier for adjustment

[Anonymous]

I'm very glad my mom didn't divorce my dad who is in academia. We had a simple life in a small town but they invested well and now get to travel and have nice cars. He was an amazing father and was present growing up- I had many fun afternoons in his office playing with his typewriter or hanging around the college..

They will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. My brother and I are still very close with them- we all vacation together.

OP you don't respect him because you value money, ambition, upward mobility etc. If you read about what makess people happy in the long run- it's not these things. It's family and relationships.

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very glad my mom didn't divorce my dad who is in academia. We had a simple life in a small town but they invested well and now get to travel and have nice cars. He was an amazing father and was present growing up- I had many fun afternoons in his office playing with his typewriter or hanging around the college..

They will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. My brother and I are still very close with them- we all vacation together.

OP you don't respect him because you value money, ambition, upward mobility etc. If you read about what makess people happy in the long run- it's not these things. It's family and relationships.

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Your dad had a job. You say it is about relationships//she does not feel she has a partner. That equals a lack of a relationship. This is not just about money. Yo can tell from the post that there is no love here…or it is gone. A bad relationship or lack of a relationship is not good. Your post is irrelevant to her situation.

[Anonymous]

Shoot, I HATE it when I marry the wrong person. He looked like the right guy at the alter -- SMH --- I've done this a few times now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very glad my mom didn't divorce my dad who is in academia. We had a simple life in a small town but they invested well and now get to travel and have nice cars. He was an amazing father and was present growing up- I had many fun afternoons in his office playing with his typewriter or hanging around the college..

They will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. My brother and I are still very close with them- we all vacation together.

OP you don't respect him because you value money, ambition, upward mobility etc. If you read about what makess people happy in the long run- it's not these things. It's family and relationships.

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Your dad had a job. You say it is about relationships//she does not feel she has a partner. That equals a lack of a relationship. This is not just about money. Yo can tell from the post that there is no love here…or it is gone. A bad relationship or lack of a relationship is not good. Your post is irrelevant to her situation.

Op here: if he stayed in academia, I would've been so much happier. I encouraged him to stay. But no, he didn't want to play department politics, he didn't want to take &^$# from anyone and be his own boss. Well, he is not his own boss. I don't call "doing whatever I want even though it impacts my family" being "your own boss". Our kids see it and they are starting to ask questions. Why is Mom always on pick up/drop off duty? Why is mom the one booking vacations? Why is mom the one arranging house repairs, take us to a doctor, buying groceries? What does our Dad actually do? Oh, he own his own business. Well, where is it? We don't live in a "small town", we live in DC. It is expensive to live in this area. I offered to move. He declined but his "business" is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shoot, I HATE it when I marry the wrong person. He looked like the right guy at the alter -- SMH --- I've done this a few times now.

Honestly as you become older you realize anyone you marry is going to be difficult. It's tough to live with someone and have to compromise. I think the inlaw obligations are a big one. Imagine second marriages where there are step kids, ex inlaws and tons of crap. Most of my friends are re-married, and they all say it's another different set of problems from their first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

Let me guess….your husband is stuck in a decent paying job that he hates because it’s his obligation to provide for the family. Instead of even a modicum of gratitude, instead we get a post that’s basically “me me me me” and can I do better in divorce. I pity your husband, partly because he’s in a soul sucking job as the family provider, but mostly because he’s stuck with you. Think less about yourself, and more about your daughter and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm very glad my mom didn't divorce my dad who is in academia. We had a simple life in a small town but they invested well and now get to travel and have nice cars. He was an amazing father and was present growing up- I had many fun afternoons in his office playing with his typewriter or hanging around the college..

They will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this summer. My brother and I are still very close with them- we all vacation together.

OP you don't respect him because you value money, ambition, upward mobility etc. If you read about what makess people happy in the long run- it's not these things. It's family and relationships.

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Your dad had a job. You say it is about relationships//she does not feel she has a partner. That equals a lack of a relationship. This is not just about money. Yo can tell from the post that there is no love here…or it is gone. A bad relationship or lack of a relationship is not good. Your post is irrelevant to her situation.

Op here: if he stayed in academia, I would've been so much happier. I encouraged him to stay. But no, he didn't want to play department politics, he didn't want to take &^$# from anyone and be his own boss. Well, he is not his own boss. I don't call "doing whatever I want even though it impacts my family" being "your own boss". Our kids see it and they are starting to ask questions. Why is Mom always on pick up/drop off duty? Why is mom the one booking vacations? Why is mom the one arranging house repairs, take us to a doctor, buying groceries? What does our Dad actually do? Oh, he own his own business. Well, where is it? We don't live in a "small town", we live in DC. It is expensive to live in this area. I offered to move. He declined but his "business" is here.

.

Didn’t you say you have a 2 y/o?