Signs of infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

[Anonymous]

The biggest sign for me was my ex-husband became extremely critical of everything I did and started blaming me for everything that was wrong in his life. It was out of character for him and when I tried to get to bottom of where it was coming from he just gave vague explanations. I wasn't sure if it was a mid-life crisis or what was going on. When I found out about the affair his attitude made a lot more sense. I think he was trying to justify his behavior to himself.

Like some of other PP's on this thread have mentioned, his dad also cheated on his mom. In retrospect, I consider that a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

[Anonymous]

His dad cheated on his mom and every ex-wife after her. He was a huge player in his single days didn't have the highest opinion of women considering his own mother raised him and his sister as a single parent. He had an affair with his co-worker, but before this, I once caught him in a lie when he said he was at home, but he was actually hanging out with her. I confronted him about it, but he completely minimized and explained the situation away. I should also say that he was extremely charismatic, charming, and the life of the party so he was good at manipulating people. Otherwise everything else in our lives was pretty normal. He used the time I was away on business trips to have his affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest sign for me was my ex-husband became extremely critical of everything I did and started blaming me for everything that was wrong in his life. It was out of character for him and when I tried to get to bottom of where it was coming from he just gave vague explanations. I wasn't sure if it was a mid-life crisis or what was going on. When I found out about the affair his attitude made a lot more sense. I think he was trying to justify his behavior to himself.

Like some of other PP's on this thread have mentioned, his dad also cheated on his mom. In retrospect, I consider that a huge red flag.

This is very common and women should avoid this kind of guy. Damaged.

A bf from the exact same background did all of the same to me. Now I've heard it a 1000 times from other victims.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

Sounds like whether intentional or not your relationship was based on lies. Your DH has a lot of pain and unresolved issues from his childhood that remained unresolved and rather than being comfortable coming to you to explain what he was dealing with and needed help
he turned to another woman for an outlet. I think your anger towards his mom is misplaced, you knew long ago before you married DH that she was never going to get Mother of the year, the deception of your DH is where your anger should be placed. He failed to reveal his true self to you. Unfortunately, many people have trauma in their lives, that does not excuse the lies or cheating....take that wool from your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest sign for me was my ex-husband became extremely critical of everything I did and started blaming me for everything that was wrong in his life. It was out of character for him and when I tried to get to bottom of where it was coming from he just gave vague explanations. I wasn't sure if it was a mid-life crisis or what was going on. When I found out about the affair his attitude made a lot more sense. I think he was trying to justify his behavior to himself.

Like some of other PP's on this thread have mentioned, his dad also cheated on his mom. In retrospect, I consider that a huge red flag.

Same. All of a sudden our relationship wasn’t as great as I or anyone else’s remembered. All of a sudden we’ve had issues for years. This was not true, no matter how hard he gaslighted.

[Anonymous]

^exactly. This is why when cheaters blame spouse/marriage, it doesn’t make sense. It’s about how they react to a situation and that is their own choice. There should never be any blame on spouse etc. it’s just self-rationalization when we hear the many excuses from the cheaters.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who is looking for answers. When everything first started happening, I went to see a marriage counselor. At that point I thought I was going crazy and feeling guilty for even thinking he was lying. He wasn't a great DH in many other ways. Therapist told me I would never know what happened, if I was wrong/right, etc and that I should focus on strengthening the relationship. It was difficult but I did as she suggested. And things were better. Husband stopped spending money, simplified our bank accounts (he had multiple accounts) and started coming home from work earlier. He stopped withdrawing cash. I moved on until February when he totally couldn't tell me what he spent 250 dollars on. He looked uncomfortable, he dodged the question, he changed the subject. When I tried to ask him again he went crazy. Fortunately, we were in a public place so he had to maintain some control. If I try to bring up the subject again he will explode. I did get tested for STIs.

Maybe he isn't cheating but I know he isn't being honest. He doesn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. He isn't a gambler. I am assuming his secret is sexual. I know finding out about infidelity is horrible but it is even worse to suspect your spouse is cheating but have no evidence. It is a problem that can't be addressed or solved. And, ironically, I would be willing to work on the relationship even if he cheated. I just don't know if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

Thanks so much to both of you. His therapists are very hopeful and encouraged by him and his behavior. PP- I’m so sorry about your ex-wife. I can’t imagine this happening with a spouse that had zero remorse or willingness to work on marriage. My sympathies.

First PP- I am reading the website you provided and it seems like it will be very helpful. I ordered several books on childhood trauma that were suggested.

I wish the best for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who is looking for answers. When everything first started happening, I went to see a marriage counselor. At that point I thought I was going crazy and feeling guilty for even thinking he was lying. He wasn't a great DH in many other ways. Therapist told me I would never know what happened, if I was wrong/right, etc and that I should focus on strengthening the relationship. It was difficult but I did as she suggested. And things were better. Husband stopped spending money, simplified our bank accounts (he had multiple accounts) and started coming home from work earlier. He stopped withdrawing cash. I moved on until February when he totally couldn't tell me what he spent 250 dollars on. He looked uncomfortable, he dodged the question, he changed the subject. When I tried to ask him again he went crazy. Fortunately, we were in a public place so he had to maintain some control. If I try to bring up the subject again he will explode. I did get tested for STIs.

Maybe he isn't cheating but I know he isn't being honest. He doesn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. He isn't a gambler. I am assuming his secret is sexual. I know finding out about infidelity is horrible but it is even worse to suspect your spouse is cheating but have no evidence. It is a problem that can't be addressed or solved. And, ironically, I would be willing to work on the relationship even if he cheated. I just don't know if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing

Obviously he is probably cheating. Stop asking him anything, you're only tipping him off and he will be more careful. Hold back and act like nothing is wrong.

Meanwhile get to the bottom of it, you need to know so you can protect yourself. Put a gps on the car he drives, a hidden VAR in his car, check his phone and computer or hire a PI. I certainly wouldn't sleep with him especially since it's 98% he's cheating. Once you have the proof you can decide what you want to do. Then you confront him with evidence. That's how you need to do it. Don't wonder or guess, get the proof first. It will be a big relief because then you can move forward at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

Thanks so much to both of you. His therapists are very hopeful and encouraged by him and his behavior. PP- I’m so sorry about your ex-wife. I can’t imagine this happening with a spouse that had zero remorse or willingness to work on marriage. My sympathies.

First PP- I am reading the website you provided and it seems like it will be very helpful. I ordered several books on childhood trauma that were suggested.

I wish the best for both of you.

Something I noticed from all your posts. You sound very co-dependent with him and his problems. It's unlikely you can change him at this point.

[Anonymous]

This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

He is severely gaslighting you. I would get the GPS device. You can hide if very easily under the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

I'm rooting for you, PP. I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready. When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings. In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com.

This. Rooting hard for PP. The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign. Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying. I told her she was the one that needed to try harder. Anyway, downhill from there.

Thanks so much to both of you. His therapists are very hopeful and encouraged by him and his behavior. PP- I’m so sorry about your ex-wife. I can’t imagine this happening with a spouse that had zero remorse or willingness to work on marriage. My sympathies.

First PP- I am reading the website you provided and it seems like it will be very helpful. I ordered several books on childhood trauma that were suggested.

I wish the best for both of you.

Something I noticed from all your posts. You sound very co-dependent with him and his problems. It's unlikely you can change him at this point.

I’m not picking up on that all. She’s not even in therapy with him. He is doing all of his own therapy on his own initiative. She has her own career (if this is the same pp). She sounds very strong, sound to me from a stable family.