Signs of infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Nowadays it’s all about the phone. They won’t let their phone out of sight or you somehow figure out they have a second phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nowadays it’s all about the phone. They won’t let their phone out of sight or you somehow figure out they have a second phone.

Just not true. If you rely on this as a clue you will be shocked. It’s not 1997. The Internet whores use Skype to set up meetings with zero phone trace. Communication may be a burner fake email account- but they tend to use things like Skype which leave zero trace.

[Anonymous]

Back in the pager days I noticed he put things near or on top of his pager a certain way. If anyone looked at his pager he would know. That should have been enough right there to know he was a sociopath..duh..lol

My friend was a private detective and told me to get a pager just like his and switch them out. If his had a scratch I made sure mine had a scratch etc. Sure enough he was getting a code type call from someone. We followed him from work in my friends car right to the lowly woman's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nowadays it’s all about the phone. They won’t let their phone out of sight or you somehow figure out they have a second phone.

Just not true. If you rely on this as a clue you will be shocked. It’s not 1997. The Internet whores use Skype to set up meetings with zero phone trace. Communication may be a burner fake email account- but they tend to use things like Skype which leave zero trace.

So many people check their phones and computers. Spot check the spouse with a friend or hire a P.I. GPS on their car with catch the majority, but one of my friends spouse was parking in random shopping centers. The W would pick him up, but the DW merely had to wait near his car and caught them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I'm guessing you're biggest motivator are the kids and finances.

I know a few women that have to stay because it would be too big of a hit. I would let him get the therapy and try and enjoy your life. You can stay with him but emotionally separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

I am very early days. Just discovered this 2 months ago. He is in all kinds of therapy. Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new). I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side. To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it. I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon. I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run. He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet. I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful. So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left. A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery. There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness. It wasn’t just his alcoholic father. Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.

[Anonymous]

So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

HUGE red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

NP and not having an affair. I go to a local park several times a week (I’m retired) to fish and hike. This park is in a suburban area and there are many office buildings nearby. Often, very often, I see couples there who are without question engaged in an affair. They arrive at lunchtime and almost always in separate cars. They bring a blanket and try to find a discreet area to “relax” for an hour or so. Supermarket parking lots are another common meetup spot. Pay attention and you’ll be amazed at what you’ll see.

[Anonymous]

My wife should pick up on the fact that I now put zero effort into talking to her about our sex less marriage. Its not a problem I need to solve anymore. Same for trying to be physical with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

HUGE red flag.

Yes! My question is why is pp ignoring it? Find out where he is going before and after work, he's not going to tell. Get to the bottom of it because he could be putting your health at risk.