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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something.  I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy).  Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation).  In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.  [/quote]

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad.  Dad a bad alcoholic.  Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS.  Then, abandoned the family.  He recounts awful fights in the house.  He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room.  Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone.  Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out.  Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him.  He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women.  Mom is very cold.  She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years.  His kids were there at times.  This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist.  Very smart.  Valedictorian. Top University.  Then very successful, eventually own business.  Very good looking and charismatic.  Good father.

Very good relationship.  Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”.  Great sex life.  Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid.  When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse.  He spiraled down hard.  New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder.  From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship.  It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it.  Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out.  I only knew about a 1/3 of them.  He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.[/quote]

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch. [/quote]

Yes.  Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character.  He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him?  If so, how is it going?[/quote]

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew. [/quote]

I am very early days.  Just discovered this 2 months ago.  He is in all kinds of therapy.  Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new).  I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side.  To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it.  I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon.  I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run.  He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet.  I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful.  So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left.  A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery.  There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness.  It wasn’t just his alcoholic father.  Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.[/quote]

I'm rooting for you, PP.  I went through the same awful disorientation and confusion stage and think you are so smart to hold off on therapy until you are ready.  When you are ready it can be a very empowering way to sort through all the strong, conflicting feelings.  In the meantime here is another online resource I found helpful during the early days: https://partnerhope.com. [/quote]

This.  Rooting hard for PP.  The fact that he's willing to fix himself, fix the marriage and actively try to win it back with remorse, etc. is a good sign.  Sadly, my XW chose not to - I withdrew after she fessed up and she saw that as a sign of me not caring so she stopped caring, citing the fact that I wasn't trying.  I told her she was the one that needed to try harder.  Anyway, downhill from there.[/quote]

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