Signs of infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

He is severely gaslighting you. I would get the GPS device. You can hide if very easily under the car.

+1

All the signs are there. He’s trying to make you think you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

That's part of the abuse, turning it onto you to deflect away from him.

I helped a friend and was doubtful he was cheating. She kept seeing time gaps and noticed certain things. Once she got the gps she saw he was parking at shopping centers for 1-2 hours before and after work. He wasn't a shopper. I went with her and we located the car and parked mine far enough away so he couldn't see us. Sure enough a woman came and dropped him off. We got her license plate, followed her to her home and got her address. Get the gps regardless and hide it under a wheel whell, or up inside/under bumper. You can see real time where that car will go, log in and it will show a yellow car on the map and exact address. A very strong magnet. You buy the gps and I think the service is $40/mo which you can cancel anytime. She canceled after one month, had all the info. she needed. You need to stop being afraid of this jerk and take control of your own life.

landairsea.com The 54 has a strong magnet, easy to use and about as big as a oreo cookie.

[Anonymous]

^imagine if those two whores were in a car accident together. Try explaining that to a spouse from the hospital bed. Lol. Cheaters are so dumb. Also dudes can be accused of rake and physical evidence will be there. You don’t know what the f@ck you are meeting off of the Internet. The woman that brought a stranger off the Internet Into the family house to f@ck literally could have been murdered. And having unprotected sex could have contracted AIDS.

People think with their genitals. Middle-aged people doing this sh@t- I’ll never understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^imagine if those two whores were in a car accident together. Try explaining that to a spouse from the hospital bed. Lol. Cheaters are so dumb. Also dudes can be accused of rake and physical evidence will be there. You don’t know what the f@ck you are meeting off of the Internet. The woman that brought a stranger off the Internet Into the family house to f@ck literally could have been murdered. And having unprotected sex could have contracted AIDS.

People think with their genitals. Middle-aged people doing this sh@t- I’ll never understand.

*rape

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife should pick up on the fact that I now put zero effort into talking to her about our sex less marriage. Its not a problem I need to solve anymore. Same for trying to be physical with her.

Glad to see sexless marriage guy showed up. Do you have any new pearls of wisdom or are you going to roll out the same old tropes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who is looking for answers. When everything first started happening, I went to see a marriage counselor. At that point I thought I was going crazy and feeling guilty for even thinking he was lying. He wasn't a great DH in many other ways. Therapist told me I would never know what happened, if I was wrong/right, etc and that I should focus on strengthening the relationship. It was difficult but I did as she suggested. And things were better. Husband stopped spending money, simplified our bank accounts (he had multiple accounts) and started coming home from work earlier. He stopped withdrawing cash. I moved on until February when he totally couldn't tell me what he spent 250 dollars on. He looked uncomfortable, he dodged the question, he changed the subject. When I tried to ask him again he went crazy. Fortunately, we were in a public place so he had to maintain some control. If I try to bring up the subject again he will explode. I did get tested for STIs.

Maybe he isn't cheating but I know he isn't being honest. He doesn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol. He isn't a gambler. I am assuming his secret is sexual. I know finding out about infidelity is horrible but it is even worse to suspect your spouse is cheating but have no evidence. It is a problem that can't be addressed or solved. And, ironically, I would be willing to work on the relationship even if he cheated. I just don't know if I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing

Awful therapist. Plain awful.

There are good therapists that will work with getting the answers, polygraphs, etc. You can't fix when you don't get to the root of the problem or know what your are dealing with.

So many therapists do a real psychological number on victims and they come out worse for the wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

That's part of the abuse, turning it onto you to deflect away from him.

I helped a friend and was doubtful he was cheating. She kept seeing time gaps and noticed certain things. Once she got the gps she saw he was parking at shopping centers for 1-2 hours before and after work. He wasn't a shopper. I went with her and we located the car and parked mine far enough away so he couldn't see us. Sure enough a woman came and dropped him off. We got her license plate, followed her to her home and got her address. Get the gps regardless and hide it under a wheel whell, or up inside/under bumper. You can see real time where that car will go, log in and it will show a yellow car on the map and exact address. A very strong magnet. You buy the gps and I think the service is $40/mo which you can cancel anytime. She canceled after one month, had all the info. she needed. You need to stop being afraid of this jerk and take control of your own life.

landairsea.com The 54 has a strong magnet, easy to use and about as big as a oreo cookie.

Be careful. If his car is in his name only and you do this you will be committing a felony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

Depends. Is he cheating with prostitutes? I have no idea how much that costs. Do they need to go to hotels? That can add up. Does one of the work from home? Very easy place to meet. Are they willing to do it in a minivan or backseat of a car? Then it could give them unlimited options, and it is very inexpensive.

Can you not look at credit card bills? Does he have a secret credit or debit card?

The crankiness/moodiness (classic cheater, yes. But could also be he's moody)
The leaving early/staying late ... he may actually be at work because at lunch he goes to see his girlfriend. Or just seeing her before/after work (classic cheater, yes, but also could be an excess of work)
He asked when you went out of town (classic cheater, he wants to bring his GF to your place ... but it could also be that he cares about when you are there or not?)

The most I ever spent on cheating was the cost of lunch. And time off from work. No gifts, no hotels. That's asking to be caught!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

Depends. Is he cheating with prostitutes? I have no idea how much that costs. Do they need to go to hotels? That can add up. Does one of the work from home? Very easy place to meet. Are they willing to do it in a minivan or backseat of a car? Then it could give them unlimited options, and it is very inexpensive.

Can you not look at credit card bills? Does he have a secret credit or debit card?

The crankiness/moodiness (classic cheater, yes. But could also be he's moody)
The leaving early/staying late ... he may actually be at work because at lunch he goes to see his girlfriend. Or just seeing her before/after work (classic cheater, yes, but also could be an excess of work)
He asked when you went out of town (classic cheater, he wants to bring his GF to your place ... but it could also be that he cares about when you are there or not?)

The most I ever spent on cheating was the cost of lunch. And time off from work. No gifts, no hotels. That's asking to be caught!

The sneaky ones deal purely in cash or they buy a credit card gift card at the grocery store, gas station, pharmacy (so the charge will show from a legitimate place).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

That's part of the abuse, turning it onto you to deflect away from him.

I helped a friend and was doubtful he was cheating. She kept seeing time gaps and noticed certain things. Once she got the gps she saw he was parking at shopping centers for 1-2 hours before and after work. He wasn't a shopper. I went with her and we located the car and parked mine far enough away so he couldn't see us. Sure enough a woman came and dropped him off. We got her license plate, followed her to her home and got her address. Get the gps regardless and hide it under a wheel whell, or up inside/under bumper. You can see real time where that car will go, log in and it will show a yellow car on the map and exact address. A very strong magnet. You buy the gps and I think the service is $40/mo which you can cancel anytime. She canceled after one month, had all the info. she needed. You need to stop being afraid of this jerk and take control of your own life.

landairsea.com The 54 has a strong magnet, easy to use and about as big as a oreo cookie.

Be careful. If his car is in his name only and you do this you will be committing a felony.

No. She is co-owner of the car. If they were gf/bf and it was his car then yes, but only a civil lawsuit. It's legal to put a tracker on ones car to track their child, or if the car gets stolen or to catch a cheating spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

Depends. Is he cheating with prostitutes? I have no idea how much that costs. Do they need to go to hotels? That can add up. Does one of the work from home? Very easy place to meet. Are they willing to do it in a minivan or backseat of a car? Then it could give them unlimited options, and it is very inexpensive.

Can you not look at credit card bills? Does he have a secret credit or debit card?

The crankiness/moodiness (classic cheater, yes. But could also be he's moody)
The leaving early/staying late ... he may actually be at work because at lunch he goes to see his girlfriend. Or just seeing her before/after work (classic cheater, yes, but also could be an excess of work)
He asked when you went out of town (classic cheater, he wants to bring his GF to your place ... but it could also be that he cares about when you are there or not?)

The most I ever spent on cheating was the cost of lunch. And time off from work. No gifts, no hotels. That's asking to be caught!

The sneaky ones deal purely in cash or they buy a credit card gift card at the grocery store, gas station, pharmacy (so the charge will show from a legitimate place).

This reminded me of a funny story. One lady told me she couldn't figure out why her husband was going to goodwill so much. Then she started finding jewelry in his toiletry bag that she never went into. Sure enough after checking up he was cheating. Goes to show cheap women get cheap gifts as well. The husband was a creep and a cheap one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest sign for me was my ex-husband became extremely critical of everything I did and started blaming me for everything that was wrong in his life. It was out of character for him and when I tried to get to bottom of where it was coming from he just gave vague explanations. I wasn't sure if it was a mid-life crisis or what was going on. When I found out about the affair his attitude made a lot more sense. I think he was trying to justify his behavior to himself.

Like some of other PP's on this thread have mentioned, his dad also cheated on his mom. In retrospect, I consider that a huge red flag.

Same. All of a sudden our relationship wasn’t as great as I or anyone else’s remembered. All of a sudden we’ve had issues for years. This was not true, no matter how hard he gaslighted.

That's how it was with XW. Suddenly she became supercritical of me, and suddenly our marriage had always sucked and I was always a worthless husband. Our entire history was instantly rewritten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is PP. I can't check his computer or phone records. Everything is password protected and he doesn't share passwords. Work provides his phone. I am sure he has online access to records but I don't. I considered using GPS device in the past but was worried he would discover what I was doing. I can't imagine the reaction. He already likes to call me paranoid, says I am mentally unstable, etc.

He is severely gaslighting you. I would get the GPS device. You can hide if very easily under the car.

+1

All the signs are there. He’s trying to make you think you are crazy.

She's worried about him finding the gps, but not about getting a serious STI or some disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

This is my first response to any questions, so I am not sure what else is to come. I will take them one by one. I am not sure I can answer this, because I would guess it is different for everyone. I make a good living but am not rich. For some, I guess it would cost a lot. My wife and I had joint accounts, but she did not look at the statements at the time. I had no hidden accounts, but I did take out cash to be less obvious on most occasions when we would go out just in case. We did not travel together except a weekend, so there was not much to hide there for expenses. I am not sure what AP means, maybe another person (?), but we met through a friend after I confided in the friend about the marriage. As I initially wrote, such a bad decision, but that is the case. I did pay for hotels, dinners, concerts, other activities, and the like. She had her own place, so usually not hotels. It lasted for about two years, and I never added it up, but it was too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

Someone I had met, but did not know well. I decided to cheat, just to be clear. I don't want to make any excuses for it so I won't, but made reasons why I could/should in my head. And I did go on Ashley Madison and almost slept with someone there, but did not. There were reasons, let's say. In talking with a friend, I explained how I felt and was connected with this person. It went from there.