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[quote=Anonymous][/quote]

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew. [/quote]

I am very early days.  Just discovered this 2 months ago.  He is in all kinds of therapy.  Three individual counseling sessions, 2 group sessions and a church group (new).  I don’t know what I will do, but he is a very good father and I thought a good husband/great relationship until I found the other side.  To say it’s been a major shock and I am extremely disoriented is an understatement. I have not sought out individual counseling yet because I was floored and sitting with it.  I will start in a few weeks, but I really wanted to process my own feelings, thoughts, disappointment and anger before seeing someone that tries to fix it too soon.  I’ve read really letting it wash over you intensely and no rug sweeping is better in the long run.  He is relieved his secrets are out and at the same time horrified, guilt ridden, disgusted, etc.

So I don’t know what to do yet.  I have found the “betrayed wives forums” incredibly, incredibly helpful.  So many stories are so familiar and there are people new, many years out and those that made it work and those that left.  A lot was dependent on actions of spouse after discovery.  There is no one clear answer. I’m even angry at his mom right now for her denial and delusion that contributed to her sons f@ckedupness.  It wasn’t just his alcoholic father.  Her behavior and response in life is a big part of the issues too.[/quote]

Sounds like whether intentional or not your relationship  was based on lies. Your DH has a lot of pain and unresolved issues from his childhood that remained unresolved and rather than being comfortable coming to you to explain what he was dealing with and needed help
 he turned to another woman for an outlet.  I think your anger towards his mom is misplaced, you knew long ago before you married DH that she was never going to get Mother of the year, the deception of your DH is where your anger should be placed. He failed to reveal his true self to you. Unfortunately, many people have trauma in their lives, that does not excuse the lies or cheating....take that wool from your eyes.  [/quote]

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