Signs of infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

Someone I had met, but did not know well. I decided to cheat, just to be clear. I don't want to make any excuses for it so I won't, but made reasons why I could/should in my head. And I did go on Ashley Madison and almost slept with someone there, but did not. There were reasons, let's say. In talking with a friend, I explained how I felt and was connected with this person. It went from there.

What was wrong with the Ashley Madison chick? Looks? Psycho?

We met for a while. After we met and talked for a couple weeks she said she was ready to have sex, but then said, I need to tell you I have herpes. While my wife and I had not had sex for a long time, I was still hoping we would and could not bring that to her. And I would not have had the guts to tell her and likely would have given it to her. Not fatal, but I just could't do that. It kind of messed up my mind, because I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

Nasty. Ashley Madison finest gals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

Someone I had met, but did not know well. I decided to cheat, just to be clear. I don't want to make any excuses for it so I won't, but made reasons why I could/should in my head. And I did go on Ashley Madison and almost slept with someone there, but did not. There were reasons, let's say. In talking with a friend, I explained how I felt and was connected with this person. It went from there.

What was wrong with the Ashley Madison chick? Looks? Psycho?

We met for a while. After we met and talked for a couple weeks she said she was ready to have sex, but then said, I need to tell you I have herpes. While my wife and I had not had sex for a long time, I was still hoping we would and could not bring that to her. And I would not have had the guts to tell her and likely would have given it to her. Not fatal, but I just could't do that. It kind of messed up my mind, because I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

You think?!! Wtf?? There was even a moment you thought about it. Dear lord. How did you know the other one was clean before banging her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still friends with the person that facilitated you cheating on your wife that ended up costing you your marriage/family?

We are.

Do you regret cheating? If so, why since so many men who cheat don't care if the cheating has any impact on the wife. How is your ex wife doing now since this will affect her for a long time.

Also, there are studies that indicate that who you hang out with can influence your choices (just like your family can model behavior) and so why hang around with someone who facilitated this action for you? Just trying to gauge your mindset on this vs. your actions.

Thank you for answering questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife should pick up on the fact that I now put zero effort into talking to her about our sex less marriage. Its not a problem I need to solve anymore. Same for trying to be physical with her.

My wife and I haven't had sex in a year, I stopped initiating and she doesn't seem to care. We were only 1-2x a month before,all at my initiation. A lot of women in sexless marriages know their husbands are cheating and don't care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

I have no idea if my mom or dad cheated. I also know nothing about the statistics. Maybe so, maybe not and not sure if that factored into the equation.

Did the other woman have any remorse for the fact you were married with kids or did she not give a sh@t about your wife and kids? I wonder about people that know somebody is married and are willing to be complicit in adultery/betrayal/wrecking of marriage. They are 50% responsible. Even if it could have been any woman—it was her and she is also guilty.

I can't get in her head, but she she did express remorse for my ex. I should not have put her in that position, though, so we did not get into that very much. I guess it was better not to talk about that.

Sure. She will have to live with that guilt and hope karma is kind to her in the future.

Me too.

Why do you want karma to be kind to your affair partner? So much damage is done to your wife and kids and although you are most at fault, so is she. Are you still with the affair partner or in a long term relationship with another woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

Someone I had met, but did not know well. I decided to cheat, just to be clear. I don't want to make any excuses for it so I won't, but made reasons why I could/should in my head. And I did go on Ashley Madison and almost slept with someone there, but did not. There were reasons, let's say. In talking with a friend, I explained how I felt and was connected with this person. It went from there.

What was wrong with the Ashley Madison chick? Looks? Psycho?

We met for a while. After we met and talked for a couple weeks she said she was ready to have sex, but then said, I need to tell you I have herpes. While my wife and I had not had sex for a long time, I was still hoping we would and could not bring that to her. And I would not have had the guts to tell her and likely would have given it to her. Not fatal, but I just could't do that. It kind of messed up my mind, because I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

You think?!! Wtf?? There was even a moment you thought about it. Dear lord. How did you know the other one was clean before banging her?

These questions are getting harder. I can't tell you exactly where I was in my head. I knew nothing of herpes at the time other than "it lasts forever." I actually took a little time to learn about it and realized it was more common than I thought and thought about it. Sorry, just had to think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still friends with the person that facilitated you cheating on your wife that ended up costing you your marriage/family?

We are.

Do you regret cheating? If so, why since so many men who cheat don't care if the cheating has any impact on the wife. How is your ex wife doing now since this will affect her for a long time.

Also, there are studies that indicate that who you hang out with can influence your choices (just like your family can model behavior) and so why hang around with someone who facilitated this action for you? Just trying to gauge your mindset on this vs. your actions.

Thank you for answering questions.

I'll do the best I can.

Do I regret cheating? - absolutely yes. This was unforgivable, did incredible damage to my family, my wife in particular, and to myself. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, and whatever else you can imagine. While the marriage was not working, that does not mean I should have done what I did. I just did not communicate what I thought were my needs. Maybe we should have divorced after all, but maybe we should not have gotten married when we did. I don't know. I do know now that I could have and should have "manned up" and talked about it. I just did not.

I have no idea why other men cheat. I have not talked with other cheaters about that.

She seems well, but we do not talk all that often. When we do it is cordial and productive. As I wrote earlier, she is a very good woman. We have grown children and need to talk about them and coordinate things. I hope she is well. We do not bring our adult kids into the conversation about our relationship or what happened. They may well know, but we all have a "healthy" relationship at this point, and I will never say anything about about their mother and I don't think she has ever said anything bad about me. That does not mean this is not hard on them, I know it is. I have no idea if she is in a new relationship. That is none of my business, but I do hope she is doing well.

To the last question, I am still friends with the person. We do not hang out, but we are friends. The friend did not encourage me to do this, I expressed an interest and I was connected with an explanation of where I was. I can't blame the friend and we have not talked about the outcomes in detail. As best I know, none of my other friends who I hung out with regularly were cheaters. One had been divorced and on a second marriage, but I never asked about the details. I have read no studies, but for me, I don't the friends theory applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still friends with the person that facilitated you cheating on your wife that ended up costing you your marriage/family?

We are.

Do you regret cheating? If so, why since so many men who cheat don't care if the cheating has any impact on the wife. How is your ex wife doing now since this will affect her for a long time.

Also, there are studies that indicate that who you hang out with can influence your choices (just like your family can model behavior) and so why hang around with someone who facilitated this action for you? Just trying to gauge your mindset on this vs. your actions.

Thank you for answering questions.

I'll do the best I can.

Do I regret cheating? - absolutely yes. This was unforgivable, did incredible damage to my family, my wife in particular, and to myself. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, and whatever else you can imagine. While the marriage was not working, that does not mean I should have done what I did. I just did not communicate what I thought were my needs. Maybe we should have divorced after all, but maybe we should not have gotten married when we did. I don't know. I do know now that I could have and should have "manned up" and talked about it. I just did not.

I have no idea why other men cheat. I have not talked with other cheaters about that.

She seems well, but we do not talk all that often. When we do it is cordial and productive. As I wrote earlier, she is a very good woman. We have grown children and need to talk about them and coordinate things. I hope she is well. We do not bring our adult kids into the conversation about our relationship or what happened. They may well know, but we all have a "healthy" relationship at this point, and I will never say anything about about their mother and I don't think she has ever said anything bad about me. That does not mean this is not hard on them, I know it is. I have no idea if she is in a new relationship. That is none of my business, but I do hope she is doing well.

To the last question, I am still friends with the person. We do not hang out, but we are friends. The friend did not encourage me to do this, I expressed an interest and I was connected with an explanation of where I was. I can't blame the friend and we have not talked about the outcomes in detail. As best I know, none of my other friends who I hung out with regularly were cheaters. One had been divorced and on a second marriage, but I never asked about the details. I have read no studies, but for me, I don't the friends theory applies.

Just to be clear, the marriage may not have been working for you but part of it is how you handled yourself. Marriage might have been fixed if you were engaged in it. Again, it's sort of re-writing the history and that is what is pernicious about what you write. I suppose most of the consequences fell on your ex-wife since you wanted out of marriage anyway and your relationship with your children isn't affected. This is what's most galling in that your mistakes affect your ex-wife the most and you get what you want except for the finances (I bet her standard of living is still lower than yours).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still friends with the person that facilitated you cheating on your wife that ended up costing you your marriage/family?

We are.

Do you regret cheating? If so, why since so many men who cheat don't care if the cheating has any impact on the wife. How is your ex wife doing now since this will affect her for a long time.

Also, there are studies that indicate that who you hang out with can influence your choices (just like your family can model behavior) and so why hang around with someone who facilitated this action for you? Just trying to gauge your mindset on this vs. your actions.

Thank you for answering questions.

I'll do the best I can.

Do I regret cheating? - absolutely yes. This was unforgivable, did incredible damage to my family, my wife in particular, and to myself. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, and whatever else you can imagine. While the marriage was not working, that does not mean I should have done what I did. I just did not communicate what I thought were my needs. Maybe we should have divorced after all, but maybe we should not have gotten married when we did. I don't know. I do know now that I could have and should have "manned up" and talked about it. I just did not.

I have no idea why other men cheat. I have not talked with other cheaters about that.

She seems well, but we do not talk all that often. When we do it is cordial and productive. As I wrote earlier, she is a very good woman. We have grown children and need to talk about them and coordinate things. I hope she is well. We do not bring our adult kids into the conversation about our relationship or what happened. They may well know, but we all have a "healthy" relationship at this point, and I will never say anything about about their mother and I don't think she has ever said anything bad about me. That does not mean this is not hard on them, I know it is. I have no idea if she is in a new relationship. That is none of my business, but I do hope she is doing well.

To the last question, I am still friends with the person. We do not hang out, but we are friends. The friend did not encourage me to do this, I expressed an interest and I was connected with an explanation of where I was. I can't blame the friend and we have not talked about the outcomes in detail. As best I know, none of my other friends who I hung out with regularly were cheaters. One had been divorced and on a second marriage, but I never asked about the details. I have read no studies, but for me, I don't the friends theory applies.

Just to be clear, the marriage may not have been working for you but part of it is how you handled yourself. Marriage might have been fixed if you were engaged in it. Again, it's sort of re-writing the history and that is what is pernicious about what you write. I suppose most of the consequences fell on your ex-wife since you wanted out of marriage anyway and your relationship with your children isn't affected. This is what's most galling in that your mistakes affect your ex-wife the most and you get what you want except for the finances (I bet her standard of living is still lower than yours).

This is a fair question/point. I am not trying to have any subtle, harmful effect in my responses. I am answering. I am not a psychologist, therapist, or social worker. I cheated and can only tell you about what I know. The way I handled myself was more than part of the problem. Both of our relationships with our children are affected, I am sure. I guess the last thing I would say is I did not want out of the marriage, I wanted sex. I went about it the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Troll thread.

[Anonymous]

^ so here is the issue: you started out saying marriage was bad and should not have married, and now you’re saying that you wanted your marriage. This is insidious because most people won’t challenge your first narrative and believe it’s the marriage that was at fault. Honestly, it’s how you handled yourself and your level of commitment that’s the issue but you keep on talking about marriage/spouse being at fault. You clearly haven’t done much introspection so that you can prevent this in the future.

Also, it’s your issue that caused your wife’s relationship with her kids to change and her standard of living to change. You feel bad about what happened to you, not about what you did to her. Real regret will come from realizing what you did to her.

On one hand I commend you for taking some responsibility but on the other hand you’re still hedging when you talk about the cause of the damage. How do you prevent this from happening if there’s no real introspection? Maybe you don’t care in which case it doesn’t matter. Again, thanks for a respectful discussion.

[Anonymous]

So a couple of hundred dollars a month or every other month would be more than enough to fund an affair? What about massage parlors? How much do they cost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a couple of hundred dollars a month or every other month would be more than enough to fund an affair? What about massage parlors? How much do they cost?

Like Massage Envy? Check Yelp. It’s all there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a couple of hundred dollars a month or every other month would be more than enough to fund an affair? What about massage parlors? How much do they cost?

There is no standard amount of money needed to have an affair! Can be done with no money at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife should pick up on the fact that I now put zero effort into talking to her about our sex less marriage. Its not a problem I need to solve anymore. Same for trying to be physical with her.

My wife and I haven't had sex in a year, I stopped initiating and she doesn't seem to care. We were only 1-2x a month before,all at my initiation. A lot of women in sexless marriages know their husbands are cheating and don't care

Yes, I'm the previous poster. If she cared, she could easily figure it out or at least get her radar up. I went from trying to initiate sex, and trying to talk to her about it to never even touching her or kissing her (things she dreaded might lead to me wanting sex) and never asking her to discuss the problem, get counseling, etc. So to her eyes, I gave up on sex, yet I'm happier than before when I cared. Yeah, doesn't make sense. Only thing that makes sense is that I'm cheating. Because I am.