Signs of infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Are you still friends with the person that facilitated you cheating on your wife that ended up costing you your marriage/family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

This is my first response to any questions, so I am not sure what else is to come. I will take them one by one. I am not sure I can answer this, because I would guess it is different for everyone. I make a good living but am not rich. For some, I guess it would cost a lot. My wife and I had joint accounts, but she did not look at the statements at the time. I had no hidden accounts, but I did take out cash to be less obvious on most occasions when we would go out just in case. We did not travel together except a weekend, so there was not much to hide there for expenses. I am not sure what AP means, maybe another person (?), but we met through a friend after I confided in the friend about the marriage. As I initially wrote, such a bad decision, but that is the case. I did pay for hotels, dinners, concerts, other activities, and the like. She had her own place, so usually not hotels. It lasted for about two years, and I never added it up, but it was too much.

Was she married? Why hotels if you never went out of town and she had her own place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

Someone I had met, but did not know well. I decided to cheat, just to be clear. I don't want to make any excuses for it so I won't, but made reasons why I could/should in my head. And I did go on Ashley Madison and almost slept with someone there, but did not. There were reasons, let's say. In talking with a friend, I explained how I felt and was connected with this person. It went from there.

What was wrong with the Ashley Madison chick? Looks? Psycho?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

Not sure if this was meant for me. Not a perfect cheater, but yes, cheated. I have no excuse for cheating, just offering all of this up if it is helpful to others. My wife and I had not slept in the same room for many years, after having not been intimate for years before. Not an excuse, just the reality. I did not talk about it, I just let it be. We did talk once, actually, and was told that we could have sex, it would just take time. I did not ask again and that was then end of that. Then I let my resentments build up and went where I did. Definitely not the way to go. Ex-wife is a very good person. There were many good things in the marriage, but I did not do what I needed to do to work on it. The lack of intimacy was huge, physically but also from a personal standpoint. The intimacy was the part I focused on at the time I cheated. I thought maybe if I had sex outside the marriage, I could keep everything else in place. Dumb, stupid, bad...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

There is too much there for me to respond to. I can't blame mom or dad, but I did learn to compartmentalize. Their's was not a great marriage, but no alcoholism, abuse, and so on. But they were not close, did not communicate much, and just seemed to live in the same house. I may have learned that from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

I have no idea if my mom or dad cheated. I also know nothing about the statistics. Maybe so, maybe not and not sure if that factored into the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^exactly. This is why when cheaters blame spouse/marriage, it doesn’t make sense. It’s about how they react to a situation and that is their own choice. There should never be any blame on spouse etc. it’s just self-rationalization when we hear the many excuses from the cheaters.

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

I have no idea if my mom or dad cheated. I also know nothing about the statistics. Maybe so, maybe not and not sure if that factored into the equation.

Did the other woman have any remorse for the fact you were married with kids or did she not give a sh@t about your wife and kids? I wonder about people that know somebody is married and are willing to be complicit in adultery/betrayal/wrecking of marriage. They are 50% responsible. Even if it could have been any woman—it was her and she is also guilty.

[Anonymous]

She also contributed to the wife’s PTSD mental health she will carry the rest of her life. How people can knowingly do something that will hurt somebody they don’t even know I will never understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you still friends with the person that facilitated you cheating on your wife that ended up costing you your marriage/family?

We are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

This is my first response to any questions, so I am not sure what else is to come. I will take them one by one. I am not sure I can answer this, because I would guess it is different for everyone. I make a good living but am not rich. For some, I guess it would cost a lot. My wife and I had joint accounts, but she did not look at the statements at the time. I had no hidden accounts, but I did take out cash to be less obvious on most occasions when we would go out just in case. We did not travel together except a weekend, so there was not much to hide there for expenses. I am not sure what AP means, maybe another person (?), but we met through a friend after I confided in the friend about the marriage. As I initially wrote, such a bad decision, but that is the case. I did pay for hotels, dinners, concerts, other activities, and the like. She had her own place, so usually not hotels. It lasted for about two years, and I never added it up, but it was too much.

Was she married? Why hotels if you never went out of town and she had her own place?

At times that was a better option, and the one other hotel was for when we went out of town. We did not live super close to one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

I have no idea if my mom or dad cheated. I also know nothing about the statistics. Maybe so, maybe not and not sure if that factored into the equation.

Did the other woman have any remorse for the fact you were married with kids or did she not give a sh@t about your wife and kids? I wonder about people that know somebody is married and are willing to be complicit in adultery/betrayal/wrecking of marriage. They are 50% responsible. Even if it could have been any woman—it was her and she is also guilty.

I can't get in her head, but she she did express remorse for my ex. I should not have put her in that position, though, so we did not get into that very much. I guess it was better not to talk about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Jumping on to add an additional question.

How did it start? Was it someone you knew in real life or did you use the Internet to intentionally look for an affair partner?

Someone I had met, but did not know well. I decided to cheat, just to be clear. I don't want to make any excuses for it so I won't, but made reasons why I could/should in my head. And I did go on Ashley Madison and almost slept with someone there, but did not. There were reasons, let's say. In talking with a friend, I explained how I felt and was connected with this person. It went from there.

What was wrong with the Ashley Madison chick? Looks? Psycho?

We met for a while. After we met and talked for a couple weeks she said she was ready to have sex, but then said, I need to tell you I have herpes. While my wife and I had not had sex for a long time, I was still hoping we would and could not bring that to her. And I would not have had the guts to tell her and likely would have given it to her. Not fatal, but I just could't do that. It kind of messed up my mind, because I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

I have no idea if my mom or dad cheated. I also know nothing about the statistics. Maybe so, maybe not and not sure if that factored into the equation.

Did the other woman have any remorse for the fact you were married with kids or did she not give a sh@t about your wife and kids? I wonder about people that know somebody is married and are willing to be complicit in adultery/betrayal/wrecking of marriage. They are 50% responsible. Even if it could have been any woman—it was her and she is also guilty.

I can't get in her head, but she she did express remorse for my ex. I should not have put her in that position, though, so we did not get into that very much. I guess it was better not to talk about that.

Sure. She will have to live with that guilt and hope karma is kind to her in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

The fact that such a high percentage of cheater’s kids end up cheating means that it likely is a “them” issue, not a spouse/marriage issue. Everyone goes through tough times and how you react to it is somewhat based on your past based on statistics.

I have no idea if my mom or dad cheated. I also know nothing about the statistics. Maybe so, maybe not and not sure if that factored into the equation.

Did the other woman have any remorse for the fact you were married with kids or did she not give a sh@t about your wife and kids? I wonder about people that know somebody is married and are willing to be complicit in adultery/betrayal/wrecking of marriage. They are 50% responsible. Even if it could have been any woman—it was her and she is also guilty.

I can't get in her head, but she she did express remorse for my ex. I should not have put her in that position, though, so we did not get into that very much. I guess it was better not to talk about that.

Sure. She will have to live with that guilt and hope karma is kind to her in the future.

Me too.