Staying Together After Horrible Comments

[Anonymous]

Google - husband with undiagnosed Asperger's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I can't tell you how depressing it is that my options are either lose my kids for half their childhood, or stay married to you."

My husband said this to me after a fight Friday night. I'm so tired of the battle. I just want to let it all go.

OP, hugs, you must feel so hurt to hear something so hurtful and devastating over such a little problem as fries.

[Anonymous]

OP, this will cheer you up and maybe you will see the negative comments differently.
https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/mind-blindness-affects-moral-reasoning-in-autism/

[Anonymous]

Even if you were 100% right in this situation (which you aren’t), explain your rational for calling him a name in front of your child(ren).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will cheer you up and maybe you will see the negative comments differently.
https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/mind-blindness-affects-moral-reasoning-in-autism/

Are you suggesting that she or he has autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will cheer you up and maybe you will see the negative comments differently.
https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/mind-blindness-affects-moral-reasoning-in-autism/

Are you suggesting that she or he has autism?

She most likely not because she cared about the people in line and she considered big picture.

[Anonymous]

He was not angry about the fries, he was angry that you discounted his position and desires. Better solution: hon I know you want to wait for the fries. Should we pull over and ask them to bring it out?

You desperately need counseling. You need to learn how to validate his feelii and position even if you disagree. I'm guessing neither of you do this with each other, and it's the root of "ridiculous" fights that have serious feelings attached to them. If you're not disagreeing over "big" stuff (infidelity, money, religion, etc) then I'm guessing it's the ways you two fail to listen, validate and respect each other. I also suspect you're each so entrenched in who is right or wrong you prioritize winning over compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was a ridiculous tiff but one of 10 in the last month.

We were leaving our son's late baseball game Friday and stopped at McDs drive through. There were a bunch of his team mates families in line behind us. The person at the drive through window forgot to include one order of fries we'd paid for. Husband insisted on staying put until we got what we paid for. I was embarrassed that we were holding up the line and just wanted to drive off. He got angry and I told him he was acting "deranged" about some fries. He said I was ridiculous and it spiraled into a fight that lasted the drive home.

I slept on the couch and this was his comment the next day.

I’d have not only waited, but wanted all my now cold fries replaced. Your husband was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was a ridiculous tiff but one of 10 in the last month.

We were leaving our son's late baseball game Friday and stopped at McDs drive through. There were a bunch of his team mates families in line behind us. The person at the drive through window forgot to include one order of fries we'd paid for. Husband insisted on staying put until we got what we paid for. I was embarrassed that we were holding up the line and just wanted to drive off. He got angry and I told him he was acting "deranged" about some fries. He said I was ridiculous and it spiraled into a fight that lasted the drive home.

I slept on the couch and this was his comment the next day.

There was neither a right or wrong answer to the McD problem. But, you are very worried about what other people think about you, and that is a problem. You also leaped toward calling your husband "deranged".... really, "deranged?" why such extreme language. You have very black/white, right/wrong ways of seeing things. You really need to work with a cognitive behavioral therapist to fix this mindset or explore whether it is the result of family-of-origin issues, trauma, anxiety or depression.

How does CBT help -- by forcing you to think about your assumptions about the situation and wether there are alternative ways to view it or alternate solutions. For example, perhaps other people in line wouldn't be upset about a small wait, like you assume they would? Perhaps other people in line behind you wouldn't blame your husband, but rather the McD staff? Perhaps there was another solution when you realized what your DH wanted -- "honey, there's a long line behind us, why don't you tell the lady, that we'll pull into a parking spot and I'll go in and get the fries?"

He may have gotten angry, but you could have just ended the discussion by saying something non-committal like "oh, I guess we just have to agree to disagree" or "Oh, I guess we see it differently..."

If you can't honestly see that sleeping on the couch due to a dispute on the handling of the fries order at McDs is an over-reaction, then you really need help. This isn't a marital problem, this is a you problem.

BTW, if your kids are in the car, then think also about what your behavior is teaching them about how to treat others -- are they learning patience, kindness, forbearance, cooperative problem-solving and assuming the best of others from you? Or are they learning anger, power struggles, shouting, name calling, etc. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google - husband with undiagnosed Asperger's.

Dear God.....

[Anonymous]

Exactly how I feel, but I've made my peace with it and can compartmentalize.

OP, you need to grow up and realize that even though words hurt and may never be forgotten, life goes on and you have the capacity to forgive, just as he has the capacity to apologize and/or be a better husband.

Marriage is hard work and its success is measured over many decades. Take the long-view.

[Anonymous]

Wait... telling someone they are acting "deranged" is namecalling?

[Anonymous]

You said this in front of your kids?! Please don’t. These words scar them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are both behaving poorly. You shouldn’t be so easily embarrassed nor care more what others think than what your husband feels when you berate him for wanting his correct food order; dh should not threaten the nuclear option when things get sucky. You both need to start having date nights and spending some alone time together to reconnect and be nice to each other again. Every marriage goes through this. It’s fixable.

I think calling a spouse “deranged” is the nuclear reaction. The fact that it comes in response to the spouse’s total innocence (waiting on McD fries?!)? She’s gaslighting him.

OP, have you sought help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait... telling someone they are acting "deranged" is namecalling?

Yes..is it not name calling in your book? Are you a bully like OP?