Staying Together After Horrible Comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the other posters.

My guess is that your husband has a temper and has no sense of when it's appropriate to let something go.

I agree with you. I suspect there was some issue that was holding up the fries, and your husband, instead of just dropping it, chose to argue with the person in the drivethrough and make a scene and hold up the line.

You understand that you have to deal with the other people (the teammates in the cars waiting in the line) in the future, and it's better just to let the fries go and not make a scene.

Other PPs don't understand what it is like to be with someone who NEVER lets anything go, who is always the one making a scene. I suspect the "deranged" comment is because his behavior was disproportionate to the situation (as in, not getting your fries really doesn't merit throwing a fit and making a scene).

Don't do counseling. Make a plan to leave him.

Op didn’t say he made a scene, she said he insisted on staying until he got what he paid for. You’re adding a lot of detail that wasn’t in what op said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the other posters.

My guess is that your husband has a temper and has no sense of when it's appropriate to let something go.

I agree with you. I suspect there was some issue that was holding up the fries, and your husband, instead of just dropping it, chose to argue with the person in the drivethrough and make a scene and hold up the line.

You understand that you have to deal with the other people (the teammates in the cars waiting in the line) in the future, and it's better just to let the fries go and not make a scene.

Other PPs don't understand what it is like to be with someone who NEVER lets anything go, who is always the one making a scene. I suspect the "deranged" comment is because his behavior was disproportionate to the situation (as in, not getting your fries really doesn't merit throwing a fit and making a scene).

Don't do counseling. Make a plan to leave him.

Hopefully the OP doesn’t take advice from someone whose instinct is to self-centeredly barge in to the conversation with all the answers, and instruct the OP to ignore everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I can't tell you how depressing it is that my options are either lose my kids for half their childhood, or stay married to you."

My husband said this to me after a fight Friday night. I'm so tired of the battle. I just want to let it all go.

So he is essentially threatening divorce or abandonment. Tell him to man up and move out then. Cut his manipulative passive aggressive nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In that argument, you were wrong.

I agree fries should be easy to go get and would have waited.

In my household usually my husband is the laid back zero-confrontational one every time we are wronged and I’m the one asking or demanding what we wanted. He usually calls me deranged for wanting what we came for or paid for or XYZ.

In both of our cases it’s someone that wants to argue or control and there is an underlying issue. Ours is complicated due to his super stressful job plus his ADD. So he flies off the handle once a month, will even yell and shout in the car instead of take responsibility for something he messed up.

[Anonymous]

You were solidly in the wrong and escalated everything by calling him “deranged.” Is that the horrible comment you referenced in your title? Are you always like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What have you both tried to improve the situation? Have you done counseling? Sometimes two people can just get into a bad reactive cycle, and it can get better if you are both willing to do the work. If you also feeling done, it is possible to have an amicable divorce, live close, both see your kids most days.

+1 Exactly. Divorce does not always mean you will really get less than half your kids childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the opinion of other people is more important than you DH? So your response to this fear that other people might be judging or upset at you is to call your DH a derogatory name?

You need to be in therapy to figure out why other people are more important that you spouse.

Nailed it

Yup. OP this is on you.

+1 he had a normal response. You did not.

[Anonymous]

Huh. I would’ve waited for the fries, too; as PP said, it’s the best part. And especially if I paid for them — why would I drive off before ironing it out? It would’ve been a short wait. Your DH wasn’t being unreasonable in the least, but you were treating him as if he were, which is probably why he got so angry.

So I agree you were in the wrong, OP, and should apologize. Your DH is at the breaking point, so even if he was being hyperbolic, you should take it as a blaring red alarm for your marriage. My advice is to approach him in a calm moment and tell him you have taken his words to heart, and that they hurt you. Tell him you want to work on the marriage, and make things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the other posters.

My guess is that your husband has a temper and has no sense of when it's appropriate to let something go.

I agree with you. I suspect there was some issue that was holding up the fries, and your husband, instead of just dropping it, chose to argue with the person in the drivethrough and make a scene and hold up the line.

You understand that you have to deal with the other people (the teammates in the cars waiting in the line) in the future, and it's better just to let the fries go and not make a scene.

Other PPs don't understand what it is like to be with someone who NEVER lets anything go, who is always the one making a scene. I suspect the "deranged" comment is because his behavior was disproportionate to the situation (as in, not getting your fries really doesn't merit throwing a fit and making a scene).

Don't do counseling. Make a plan to leave him.

Feminazi finally made it! We were getting worried. Did church just let out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were solidly in the wrong and escalated everything by calling him “deranged.” Is that the horrible comment you referenced in your title? Are you always like this?

+1. OP you are abusive.

[Anonymous]

You are both behaving poorly. You shouldn’t be so easily embarrassed nor care more what others think than what your husband feels when you berate him for wanting his correct food order; dh should not threaten the nuclear option when things get sucky. You both need to start having date nights and spending some alone time together to reconnect and be nice to each other again. Every marriage goes through this. It’s fixable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I can't tell you how depressing it is that my options are either lose my kids for half their childhood, or stay married to you."

My husband said this to me after a fight Friday night. I'm so tired of the battle. I just want to let it all go.

So he is essentially threatening divorce or abandonment. Tell him to man up and move out then. Cut his manipulative passive aggressive nonsense.

What a bizarre interpretation. His wife was abusive to him. Wanting to avoid abusive people is a natural reaction. There's nothing manipulative or passive aggressive about it.

You're unhinged.

[Anonymous]

OP, you prioritized your feelings about the feelings of the people in line over the feelings of your DH. It takes a few seconds for the McD employees to grab the missing french fries that your DH paid for. Why was it so important to you that your DH did not receive what he ordered?

Put another way, why is it important to put your DH down by calling him deranged for requiring what's due to him? I can understand why he'd be upset: with the lines you crossed in this incident, it raises the question about how many other lines you've crossed.

Good boundaries are the foundation of good relationships. It doesn't sound like you have very good boundaries right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are both behaving poorly. You shouldn’t be so easily embarrassed nor care more what others think than what your husband feels when you berate him for wanting his correct food order; dh should not threaten the nuclear option when things get sucky. You both need to start having date nights and spending some alone time together to reconnect and be nice to each other again. Every marriage goes through this. It’s fixable.

I think calling a spouse “deranged” is the nuclear reaction. The fact that it comes in response to the spouse’s total innocence (waiting on McD fries?!)? She’s gaslighting him.

[Anonymous]

So it sounds like you struggle with unmanaged social anxiety (and perhaps more general anxiety as well) that made you very upset when you thought people might be judging you for holding up the line, and you wanted to leave rather than waiting for the extra order of fries because you didn’t know how else to cope. Your husband got frustrated with you (because your response was not reasonable, objectively-speaking), and you lashed out at him rather than taking responsibility for your own emotions.

If you want to save your marriage, get yourself to a therapist and perhaps your doctor as well. If you don’t care about your marriage, go ahead and start the divorce process, but don’t expect that to fix what’s wrong.