Staying Together After Horrible Comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

Actually it's not about the sex of the person reacting, it's about the reaction. Getting huffy at someone for waiting for their fries is annoying.

It's not rational, it's silly. I bet the op reacts a lot like this in really minor situations. A person would have to be a saint not to eventually get angry at constant criticism. If op took some responsibility for their issues maybe they could work it out. As it is she wants to blame the dh. They won't get anywhere doing that.

He got angry BEFORE the criticism.

OP, this is a bad forum for advice. See a professional.

ITA. Op- take these comments with a grain of salt. It is impossible to know the full story and context here IMO. I’d recommend marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

I agree, and find this particular forum skewed toward the “male perspective” in general, actually. I often wonder if there are a lot of men who post here. Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt unless it is (1) unemployment (2) physical abuse or (3) serious drug/alcohol problems. Any communication, division of labor, parenting issues etc the women are basically told either (1) suck it up, that is how men are (2) more sex sex sex or (3) well you shouldn’t have married him then- just get a divorce.

Not the point of this thread of course...but OP this isn’t a great forum for marital advice. I read it for entertainment value only. I’d see a marriage counselor- good luck! Chin up- marriage is tough at times but you can do this!.

[Anonymous]

Look, it doesn't really matter who is 'at fault'. There is a clear ongoing failure to communicate and misery here on both sides. Therapy now. but it will only work if each partner is willing to listen to the other and assume some responsibility for the poor relationship.

[Anonymous]

People who are having affairs often use the slightest opportunity to pick a fight to prove how horrible the victim spouse is. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

I agree, and find this particular forum skewed toward the “male perspective” in general, actually. I often wonder if there are a lot of men who post here. Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt unless it is (1) unemployment (2) physical abuse or (3) serious drug/alcohol problems. Any communication, division of labor, parenting issues etc the women are basically told either (1) suck it up, that is how men are (2) more sex sex sex or (3) well you shouldn’t have married him then- just get a divorce.

Not the point of this thread of course...but OP this isn’t a great forum for marital advice. I read it for entertainment value only. I’d see a marriage counselor- good luck! Chin up- marriage is tough at times but you can do this!.

That’s funny, because I find this entire board incredibly skewed toward the female perspective. I think many would agree with me. It’s only in cases like this where the behavior is obviously egregious that posters will take the husband’s side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are having affairs often use the slightest opportunity to pick a fight to prove how horrible the victim spouse is. Just saying.

Like OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

I agree, and find this particular forum skewed toward the “male perspective” in general, actually. I often wonder if there are a lot of men who post here. Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt unless it is (1) unemployment (2) physical abuse or (3) serious drug/alcohol problems. Any communication, division of labor, parenting issues etc the women are basically told either (1) suck it up, that is how men are (2) more sex sex sex or (3) well you shouldn’t have married him then- just get a divorce.

Not the point of this thread of course...but OP this isn’t a great forum for marital advice. I read it for entertainment value only. I’d see a marriage counselor- good luck! Chin up- marriage is tough at times but you can do this!.

So it’s totally cool to call your spouse “deranged”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

I agree, and find this particular forum skewed toward the “male perspective” in general, actually. I often wonder if there are a lot of men who post here. Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt unless it is (1) unemployment (2) physical abuse or (3) serious drug/alcohol problems. Any communication, division of labor, parenting issues etc the women are basically told either (1) suck it up, that is how men are (2) more sex sex sex or (3) well you shouldn’t have married him then- just get a divorce.

Not the point of this thread of course...but OP this isn’t a great forum for marital advice. I read it for entertainment value only. I’d see a marriage counselor- good luck! Chin up- marriage is tough at times but you can do this!.

So it’s totally cool to call your spouse “deranged”?

Absolutely not ok, OP reacted poorly. But telling your spouse that you wouldn't still be married to them if not for the kids is essentially nuking the marriage and I think it's an overreaction on the husband's part. Things will never be the same between them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

I agree, and find this particular forum skewed toward the “male perspective” in general, actually. I often wonder if there are a lot of men who post here. Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt unless it is (1) unemployment (2) physical abuse or (3) serious drug/alcohol problems. Any communication, division of labor, parenting issues etc the women are basically told either (1) suck it up, that is how men are (2) more sex sex sex or (3) well you shouldn’t have married him then- just get a divorce.

Not the point of this thread of course...but OP this isn’t a great forum for marital advice. I read it for entertainment value only. I’d see a marriage counselor- good luck! Chin up- marriage is tough at times but you can do this!.

That’s funny, because I find this entire board incredibly skewed toward the female perspective. I think many would agree with me. It’s only in cases like this where the behavior is obviously egregious that posters will take the husband’s side.

No I agree this board is skewed toward males- “family relationships” board, on the other hand, is ridiculously skewed toward females. I feel sorry for a lot of the husbands and ILs of those posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

I agree, and find this particular forum skewed toward the “male perspective” in general, actually. I often wonder if there are a lot of men who post here. Men seem to be given the benefit of the doubt unless it is (1) unemployment (2) physical abuse or (3) serious drug/alcohol problems. Any communication, division of labor, parenting issues etc the women are basically told either (1) suck it up, that is how men are (2) more sex sex sex or (3) well you shouldn’t have married him then- just get a divorce.

Not the point of this thread of course...but OP this isn’t a great forum for marital advice. I read it for entertainment value only. I’d see a marriage counselor- good luck! Chin up- marriage is tough at times but you can do this!.

So it’s totally cool to call your spouse “deranged”?

Absolutely not ok, OP reacted poorly. But telling your spouse that you wouldn't still be married to them if not for the kids is essentially nuking the marriage and I think it's an overreaction on the husband's part. Things will never be the same between them now.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op, calling the spouse “deranged”
(In front of the kids
For wanting to wait for McD fries)
is the the first to go nuclear in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was a ridiculous tiff but one of 10 in the last month.

We were leaving our son's late baseball game Friday and stopped at McDs drive through. There were a bunch of his team mates families in line behind us. The person at the drive through window forgot to include one order of fries we'd paid for. Husband insisted on staying put until we got what we paid for. I was embarrassed that we were holding up the line and just wanted to drive off. He got angry and I told him he was acting "deranged" about some fries. He said I was ridiculous and it spiraled into a fight that lasted the drive home.

I slept on the couch and this was his comment the next day.

You were wrong and he was right. I understand his problem.

[Anonymous]

She criticized him because she personally doesn’t believe in holding up a line to get something she paid for and ordered. And called him a name. Was this a one off or has she been doing that all month?

He said a cruel marital comment the next day after stewing over the above. Is he a real jerk, or lashing out, or is this a constant pattern of them posing each other off and hurting each other?

Wtf knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She criticized him because she personally doesn’t believe in holding up a line to get something she paid for and ordered. And called him a name. Was this a one off or has she been doing that all month?

He said a cruel marital comment the next day after stewing over the above. Is he a real jerk, or lashing out, or is this a constant pattern of them posing each other off and hurting each other?

Wtf knows.

OP said this was one of about ten similar fights in the past month, which means this kind of thing happened about once every three days.

The prospect of living like that depresses me too.

[Anonymous]

I have now read through all 8 pages of this thread, and I just want to know if anyone else now shares my overwhelming craving for McDonald's French fries?!