Staying Together After Horrible Comments

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

[Anonymous]

Who has anxiety at the McD drive thru? That is irrational.

If husband if dealing with escalating anger issues from his wife based upon
irrational things he may have hit his limit.

My ex husband flew off the handle at really irrational things.
It is tough to be the spouse in those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

[Anonymous]

This is an off the rails thread. It is impossible to know from the small amount of information given what really happened at McDonald's. Tone, history, overall context are very important in this sort of thing. So for those of you calling OP abusive from one probably quickly written paragraph on an online forum...you seem deranged (or just incredibly cruel).

OP is asking for advice on what to do when a marriage is to the point where there is clear unhappiness. We have no idea who's fault it is.... probably both. I think the only right answer here is counseling. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

Actually it's not about the sex of the person reacting, it's about the reaction. Getting huffy at someone for waiting for their fries is annoying.

It's not rational, it's silly. I bet the op reacts a lot like this in really minor situations. A person would have to be a saint not to eventually get angry at constant criticism. If op took some responsibility for their issues maybe they could work it out. As it is she wants to blame the dh. They won't get anywhere doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You called your husband deranged because he was expecting to get what he paid for?

I can only imagine how miserable it must be being married to you.

It’s fries. That’s what $3? Divorce costs 10,000x that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

Actually it's not about the sex of the person reacting, it's about the reaction. Getting huffy at someone for waiting for their fries is annoying.

It's not rational, it's silly. I bet the op reacts a lot like this in really minor situations. A person would have to be a saint not to eventually get angry at constant criticism. If op took some responsibility for their issues maybe they could work it out. As it is she wants to blame the dh. They won't get anywhere doing that.

He got angry BEFORE the criticism.

OP, this is a bad forum for advice. See a professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

Actually it's not about the sex of the person reacting, it's about the reaction. Getting huffy at someone for waiting for their fries is annoying.

It's not rational, it's silly. I bet the op reacts a lot like this in really minor situations. A person would have to be a saint not to eventually get angry at constant criticism. If op took some responsibility for their issues maybe they could work it out. As it is she wants to blame the dh. They won't get anywhere doing that.

He got angry BEFORE the criticism.

OP, this is a bad forum for advice. See a professional.

He got angry because she kept badgering him to just drive off rather than ask for the fries they forgot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

That is such garbage. OP’s DH isn’t here, so we can’t give him any advice directly. If he were, I would probably have laid out my anxiety theory for him and suggested he talk to his wife about getting treatment for her anxiety. If she refused, then it would be up to him to decide whether he wanted to stay married to her.

But he’s not here, so we can only address her behavior to her. And her behavior, as put in he best light by her, was atrocious. If the genders were reversed, you’d probably tell her that calling her “deranged” was abusive and she should get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who has anxiety at the McD drive thru? That is irrational.

If husband if dealing with escalating anger issues from his wife based upon
irrational things he may have hit his limit.

My ex husband flew off the handle at really irrational things.
It is tough to be the spouse in those situations.

That's why it is anxiety. Anxiety is irrational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

That is such garbage. OP’s DH isn’t here, so we can’t give him any advice directly. If he were, I would probably have laid out my anxiety theory for him and suggested he talk to his wife about getting treatment for her anxiety. If she refused, then it would be up to him to decide whether he wanted to stay married to her.

But he’s not here, so we can only address her behavior to her. And her behavior, as put in he best light by her, was atrocious. If the genders were reversed, you’d probably tell her that calling her “deranged” was abusive and she should get out.

I’ve been consistent that they both played a role and have issues to work on. Her anxiety. His anger. Posters keep giving his anger a pass but coming down on her anxiety. No helpful. Not kind. And yes, sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how many people think his anger over her anxiety is reasonable. She needs help for her anxiety and he needs help for anger. How about “I don’t think they mind waiting, but if you’re that worried about it, I’ll pull over and go inside to get them” and then talk about her anxiety at a better time. Anger over French fries is immature at best.

First, he may not realize that her behavior is based in anxiety, he may only see that she’s constantly criticizing him and then lashing out when he gets upset about the criticism. Second, to the extent he does appreciate that it’s anxiety-based, you don’t know that he hasn’t tried to talk to her about it before. If OP has dug in on refusing to get treatment, he may be hitting his limit with being her punching bag.

Still lots of benefit of the doubt for him and none for her. This entire thread has been a sad example of the different expectations and standards for men and women in relationships.

That is such garbage. OP’s DH isn’t here, so we can’t give him any advice directly. If he were, I would probably have laid out my anxiety theory for him and suggested he talk to his wife about getting treatment for her anxiety. If she refused, then it would be up to him to decide whether he wanted to stay married to her.

But he’s not here, so we can only address her behavior to her. And her behavior, as put in he best light by her, was atrocious. If the genders were reversed, you’d probably tell her that calling her “deranged” was abusive and she should get out.

I’ve been consistent that they both played a role and have issues to work on. Her anxiety. His anger. Posters keep giving his anger a pass but coming down on her anxiety. No helpful. Not kind. And yes, sexist.

OP was very vague about how his anger played out. Anger is an emotion, there’s no right/wrong about it, right/wrong comes in when someone acts on the emotion. OP didn’t say her DH yelled at her, called her names, or did anything like that. There’s nothing in her post to suggest he acted out his anger inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an off the rails thread. It is impossible to know from the small amount of information given what really happened at McDonald's. Tone, history, overall context are very important in this sort of thing. So for those of you calling OP abusive from one probably quickly written paragraph on an online forum...you seem deranged (or just incredibly cruel).

OP is asking for advice on what to do when a marriage is to the point where there is clear unhappiness. We have no idea who's fault it is.... probably both. I think the only right answer here is counseling. Good luck OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

The comment obviously comes from a place of built up arguments over time. It cannot be over the stupid fries and holding up a drive thru line. Lets stop focusing on that.

OP should also stop pinning the horrible comments on the drive thru issue as well, because she knows damn well its not about that.

Evaluate why your marriage is at such a place where such a comment came out the way it did. If you really want advice, you are going to have to tell us more.

If you want to focus on the drive thru episode, we can play that game and you dont come out too much in the right on that. Waiting for fries due to a screwed up order is not you all holding up the drive thru line. Were cars honking at all of you? Do you think your friends look down on you now because they were able to tell that you held up the line to wait for fries and now the entire town sees you as horrible people? Get over it.