How to get over wedding chip on my shoulder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

With 200 guests? For $7,500? Can I safely assume this took place in rural South Dakota? Because it sure as hell wasn’t here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

For $75 a person? You can’t even go out to a restaurant for that with more than two drinks a person. What about rings, dress, flowers, music, invitations, honeymoon, transportation, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older I get, the more insane I think it is to spend 10s of thousands on a wedding! $45k! That's a downpayment or fully funding both kid's 529s!

That’s less than one year of college for one kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older I get, the more insane I think it is to spend 10s of thousands on a wedding! $45k! That's a downpayment or fully funding both kid's 529s!

That’s less than one year of college for one kid.

Not if you start with 45k 18-20 years before college starts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older I get, the more insane I think it is to spend 10s of thousands on a wedding! $45k! That's a downpayment or fully funding both kid's 529s!

That’s less than one year of college for one kid.

No, it's a lot more than that if you invest it before your kids are born ...

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. I disagree with all this overly polite stuff. Anytime they say they paid for it, I would calmly correct, especially in front of others, and say-you paid this and I paid that. I would not throw any showers I don't want to throw.

I am in my mid 40s and have learned to stop being a people pleaser and to be a polite straight shooter. If it bothers you this much, then correct anyone who BSes. They key is you must do this calmly.

Also, anytime you give into someone else's guilt trip, you reinforce it and show them guilt works. Say "no" to the shower and if you get a guilt trip do not change your answer. Emotional vampires will do things like push and push and manipulate.Don't give them blood. Allow them to get tired of trying to push buttons so they find another victim. People with empathy and decency don't do this stuff.

[Anonymous]

"Yes mom. We are very grateful for the kind gift you gave us which helped cover a portion of the wedding costs."

That tells her that she definitely did NOT pay for the whole thing, yet you are still acknowledging her contribution.

[Anonymous]

I'm also in the polite but direct camp. I understand why this bothers you OP. It would stick w/ me too and it wouldn't go away until I said something.

I'd tell your mother that the frequent references to having paid for your wedding bother you. That you so appreciated thheir support, but that it was a big deal to you and your husband that you were able to put on that level of event, at such a young age, and that their contribution, while it was a LOT of money, was only 1/3rd of the costs. So it feels dismissive of something you're proud of.

And I'd also say that while I'm not proud of it, and I love throwing showers for others, it has always hurt my feelings that no one threw a shower for me when I got married. I'd own that.

Just getting it out in the open can rob it of much of it's power.

I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to let it go.

My parents did pay -- a lot -- for my wedding. My in-laws gleefully attended our rehearsal dinner and took the place of honor but didn't contribute anything for it. As far as I know they didn't contribute anything for my SIL's wedding either, which was extremely expensive for guests to attend (out of the country, for no reason other than they wanted it to be tropical) and was a big hardship for us, especially after my SIL threw a fit about us having to stay at the expensive hotel where they had room blocks because if we didn't they'd lose the good rates (because what do you know...all her friends backed out due to the huge expense).

I have so much to be bitter about with weddings in my family, if I think about it, but you also have to kind of just let it ride when it comes to relationships.

[Anonymous]

Gently tell your mom that you'd appreciate it if she could stop talking about it? You're having trouble letting it go, but she is not letting it go either.

And definitely stop hosting any showers that you're not whole-heartedly into hosting. It's not a requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

For $75 a person? You can’t even go out to a restaurant for that with more than two drinks a person. What about rings, dress, flowers, music, invitations, honeymoon, transportation, etc?

You’re counting rings and a vacation as “wedding costs”?!

We took an Uber to our venue. We had simple, non-custom flowers. We paid for the drinks a la carte; most people had only one or no drinks. The small minority had more than two. The invitations and thank you cards were under $100 together.

It was well under $75/head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also in the polite but direct camp. I understand why this bothers you OP. It would stick w/ me too and it wouldn't go away until I said something.

I'd tell your mother that the frequent references to having paid for your wedding bother you. That you so appreciated thheir support, but that it was a big deal to you and your husband that you were able to put on that level of event, at such a young age, and that their contribution, while it was a LOT of money, was only 1/3rd of the costs. So it feels dismissive of something you're proud of.

And I'd also say that while I'm not proud of it, and I love throwing showers for others, it has always hurt my feelings that no one threw a shower for me when I got married. I'd own that.

Just getting it out in the open can rob it of much of it's power.

I'm sorry OP.

Good advice from this pp. Also, I was wondering, do your parents even know that they didn't pay for the whole wedding? It's not clear from your post whether you directly told them or whether you're assuming they should have realized that. That makes a big difference. If it's the former, they're just jerks and you might as well accept that. If it's the later, you need to be direct now so you can get it off your chest and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

For $75 a person? You can’t even go out to a restaurant for that with more than two drinks a person. What about rings, dress, flowers, music, invitations, honeymoon, transportation, etc?

You’re counting rings and a vacation as “wedding costs”?!

We took an Uber to our venue. We had simple, non-custom flowers. We paid for the drinks a la carte; most people had only one or no drinks. The small minority had more than two. The invitations and thank you cards were under $100 together.

It was well under $75/head.

No one cares. Go to another thread to brag about your cheap wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

For $75 a person? You can’t even go out to a restaurant for that with more than two drinks a person. What about rings, dress, flowers, music, invitations, honeymoon, transportation, etc?

You’re counting rings and a vacation as “wedding costs”?!

We took an Uber to our venue. We had simple, non-custom flowers. We paid for the drinks a la carte; most people had only one or no drinks. The small minority had more than two. The invitations and thank you cards were under $100 together.

It was well under $75/head.

No one cares. Go to another thread to brag about your cheap wedding.

The entire point is that OP's parents have every reason to believe they comfortably covered the costs and don't know what OP's extra lavish wedding cost. And cluing them in might not result in the reaction she's hoping for.

[Anonymous]

Your mom has no reason to think that you are so insane to spend 45K on the wedding. Older people are also shocked by costs. So you told her your wedding cost 45K, and she still insists that they paid for their wedding? You wanted a pricey wedding and she helped. 10 years later you resent the heck out of her and all your friends and relatives? I wonder who is the one with the problem??