How to get over wedding chip on my shoulder?

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. My mom threw my sister a baby shower and my mom invited all her friends. My sister's baby shower was bigger than my wedding! About a couple of years later when I was pregnant with my first, I think she invited about two of her friends to my baby shower. She just couldn't be bothered. While it bothered my that my mom seemed much less interested in my shower, what are you going to do? I just try and set my expectations pretty low and expect nothing which helps. I get why your situation stings though! It does help setting boundaries and just doing things you want to do so if you don't want to throw a shower then don't and don't feel bad about that.

[Anonymous]

ten - years - ago

OP, you have boundaries issues. You're fixating on the wedding disappointment in order to avoid standing up for yourself in the here-and-now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to have kids? I am sure someone will throw you a kick ass baby shower!

Op here. We do have kids. Didn’t have a baby shower either for my side. My MIL threw a shower for her side in dhs hometown.

No one was against our wedding and everyone loves dh. I think since we were the first of our generation to get married no one really thought about it? I’m not the oldest cousin either, just the first to marry.

I don’t think about this all the time but it’s something that comes up when another wedding happens. My mom was just telling my uncle that he shouldn’t be so cheap and to pay for my cousins entire wedding.

Looking back we were just so young which maybe was the problem. People are more happy for older couples (30s) to marry.

Yes to this. You were too young when you got married. Your friends and cousins were all young and either didn’t know or didn’t have any money at 23 or under to plan and finance parties for you. Same with you having kids. You were probably the first to have kids too. You can’t expect a lot from friends of family in the under 23 crowd. And your mom probably didn’t realize you blew 45k on the wedding and thought she was paying or mostly at least.

Op here. Yes we were young getting married. But we actually needed a spatula versus siblings who married in their 30s (not that need makes a difference). We were not the youngest in our families. We had our kids at 31 and 33. Plenty had babies before us.

No one who throws a $45K wedding gets to claim that they needed a spatula. If you want to make sacrifices for a completely optional decision that was totally within your control, that's on you.

I feel like you keep saying it's not about the money, but then your comments indicate that a large part of it is, in fact, about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

You had a top shelf open bar wedding 7 years ago for $7500? Did you and the 25 people you invited enjoy the cheese and crackers and mix tape you made?

I know you're trying to suggest this would be tacky, but I think it's MORE tacky to waste money that should be going for 529s or a downpayment on a party. The US middle class needs to wake up -- if we're going to let ourselves be overwhelmed by debt, then we have to stop doing dumb sh*t like throwing away money on parties.

I think what's really tacky is having opinions on how other people spend their money. YMMV

DP, but this is an ironic statement, considering the point of the thread OP is mostly p*ssed that her parents only paid for 1/3 of her lavish wedding, and not the whole kit and caboodle.

Op here. That wasn’t the point of my thread. But it would have been nice if my in-laws covered their own plate at their sons wedding.

First of all, that attitude is tacky as shit. I'm not "covering my plate" when I buy a gift. You control how much you spend on your wedding, I control how much I spend on your gift.

Also, are you saying that your husband's parents didn't buy you a wedding gift at all? Because that's what "covering your plate" refers to.

[Anonymous]

I get why you'd feel hurt.

My cousin got married years before I did. I was her maid of honor and sort of clueless. I did not throw her a shower or party or anything, really. Just showed up on the day of and walked down the aisle and had a blast.

When I got married, she threw me a pampering party that included my parents as well. Got me great gifts. Looking back, I cringe at how little I did for her wedding. But it was from youthful ignorance.

I hope you can move on from this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a couple of chips on your shoulder.
1. No one threw you a shower.
2. Mom takes credit for paying for the whole thing.
3. In-laws didn't cover their plates with their gift, if there was one.

1 & 3 you need to let go. Nothing is going to fix that now.
#2, you could talk to your mom in private to make sure she knows exactly how much your wedding cost. I agree with the other posters who have said this - she probably really thinks she covered it.

Bonus suggestion: You should talk with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like you’re a people pleaser. You bent over backwards to give others a wedding experience like no other, hoping others would reciprocate for you in kind. It doesn’t work that way. People certainly enjoyed your wedding, but they respect their own financial and social limits. It’s not that they don’t love you enough, it’s because spending or doing more for you would hurt them or their families and they just aren’t willing to go quite that far. Younger people may just not know because they haven’t had enough life experience and they probably just don’t have the fianancial means.

Google “people pleasing,” and read the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud for some insight.

It would have been wiser to have a more modest wedding and spend some of that $45K on the things you needed for yourselves imstead. But since you did it once, you know you can buckle down and save when necessary. You should be proud of yourselves for that. Mom taking credit publicly does not diminsh your skills and ability there. You know you can and that’s all that matters.

No one cares that deeply about who paid for your wedding 10 years ago. Do you really care who paid for Aunt Larla’s wedding 38 years ago? Have you lost any sleep over that detail of her life? Would her telling you she paid for it, or her parents paid for it really matter to you? Now put your name in place of “Aunt Larla,” and that’s how others feel when your mom talks.

If you really don’t get any of this, therapy would help.

[Anonymous]

Op here. This thread actually helped me a lot. I spoke with my mom and she said I was too young to need anything when I was getting married and that she told my aunt not to throw me a shower (I didn’t know my aunt evenoffered to throw one). She said a 23 year old didn’t need fancy china like a 30 year old does who hosts family holidays.

I did know that my parents thought I was getting married too young but dh and I were happy together (and still are!) and wanted to get married before buying a house and moving in together.

My family is wealthy. We are not but are comfortably happy and I don’t regret any money spent on my wedding. I guess I just feel like people don’t support young marriages the same way they support older marriages, but that’s my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This thread actually helped me a lot. I spoke with my mom and she said I was too young to need anything when I was getting married and that she told my aunt not to throw me a shower (I didn’t know my aunt evenoffered to throw one). She said a 23 year old didn’t need fancy china like a 30 year old does who hosts family holidays.

I did know that my parents thought I was getting married too young but dh and I were happy together (and still are!) and wanted to get married before buying a house and moving in together.

My family is wealthy. We are not but are comfortably happy and I don’t regret any money spent on my wedding. I guess I just feel like people don’t support young marriages the same way they support older marriages, but that’s my opinion.

It’s possible that people assume that when people marry young, they are more likely to get divorced. And to be fair, statistics would back them up. You and your spouse are beating the odds, but your parents had no way of knowing that at the time when you were planning your wedding.

[Anonymous]

No one threw me a shower, bachelorette and my entire family basically didn't show because I was the 'last' to get married. Don't think I don't feel upset that I attended literally everyone else's weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

For 200 guests?!?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This thread actually helped me a lot. I spoke with my mom and she said I was too young to need anything when I was getting married and that she told my aunt not to throw me a shower (I didn’t know my aunt evenoffered to throw one). She said a 23 year old didn’t need fancy china like a 30 year old does who hosts family holidays.

I did know that my parents thought I was getting married too young but dh and I were happy together (and still are!) and wanted to get married before buying a house and moving in together.

My family is wealthy. We are not but are comfortably happy and I don’t regret any money spent on my wedding. I guess I just feel like people don’t support young marriages the same way they support older marriages, but that’s my opinion.

Shocked at your mom's behavior. Glad you got to the bottom of this though-it all would have bothered me as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This thread actually helped me a lot. I spoke with my mom and she said I was too young to need anything when I was getting married and that she told my aunt not to throw me a shower (I didn’t know my aunt evenoffered to throw one). She said a 23 year old didn’t need fancy china like a 30 year old does who hosts family holidays.

I did know that my parents thought I was getting married too young but dh and I were happy together (and still are!) and wanted to get married before buying a house and moving in together.

My family is wealthy. We are not but are comfortably happy and I don’t regret any money spent on my wedding. I guess I just feel like people don’t support young marriages the same way they support older marriages, but that’s my opinion.

Shocked at your mom's behavior. Glad you got to the bottom of this though-it all would have bothered me as well!

Hm, we have a new criteria for UC: there is a minimum age (30, apparently) before you are deemed legit to host a family holiday.

I did find it weird that with a $45k wedding you couldn't afford more than $200 for pizzas, I think that was for the rehearsal dinner or something? (Besides the spatula).
People who come from wealth are very strange.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mother you are maxed out on hosting showers, and suggest that she have the fun of hosting your cousin’s shower herself. Tell her that your parents covered 1/3 of what your wedding cost, and you felt hurt for a long time that nobody threw you a shower. Then try to let it go.

I have to say, $45k for a wedding at age 23 sounds like a heck of a lot of money!

[Anonymous]

OP I am not going to zero in on the dollars spent, that was a long time ago and is now irrelevant. But your feelings about it are real. I would talk it through with a therapist, but would be damned if I'd throw another shower, let your money bags judgy family handle those from now on.