How to get over wedding chip on my shoulder?

[Anonymous]

What were the dynamics beforehand that no one helped you? I can’t imagine a mother being so involved now with others but not with you - unless there were circumstances or attitudes beneath the surface that affected things. You all leaved near each other? They supported you and your fiance’s relationship? They had means but didnt offer the money ahead of time? You didn’t give off a vibe that you wanted them to stay out of it? Doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to have kids? I am sure someone will throw you a kick ass baby shower!

Op here. We do have kids. Didn’t have a baby shower either for my side. My MIL threw a shower for her side in dhs hometown.

No one was against our wedding and everyone loves dh. I think since we were the first of our generation to get married no one really thought about it? I’m not the oldest cousin either, just the first to marry.

I don’t think about this all the time but it’s something that comes up when another wedding happens. My mom was just telling my uncle that he shouldn’t be so cheap and to pay for my cousins entire wedding.

Looking back we were just so young which maybe was the problem. People are more happy for older couples (30s) to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

Op here. You think we could have had a wedding for 250 for 7,500? With open bar? That’s what my open bar cost. It was $30 a person. But yes, I had the wedding I wanted. I’m upset about familial involvement. I have a large close family. Dhs is even closer and is also large. His family thought my parents should pay for everything and were upset all their coworkers and neighbors weren’t invited. We invited family (cousins too) and only a few friends.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask your parents to help with planning for your wedding? Could they have done more to help you to plan a wedding which would have been less expensive?

[Anonymous]

I don’t blame u for feeling this way OP. But it’s best for u to move on.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was gauche to have your family throw you a shower? Where were your friends? Maid of Honor?
FWIW, I had an Indian wedding with a different sent of rules.

[Anonymous]

The older I get, the more insane I think it is to spend 10s of thousands on a wedding! $45k! That's a downpayment or fully funding both kid's 529s!

[Anonymous]

Heres how to get over it: realize that these events are celebrations of family and community, not just for the particular couple being feted. Every shower you throw, every penny you paid for the wedding is well-spent because it stregthens the ties between all of you. Which member of the family can make these things happen doesn't matter, it's all to the good, and lucky for you if you have the ability to host them. That's rare, and not everyone has someone in their family that can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

Op here. You think we could have had a wedding for 250 for 7,500? With open bar? That’s what my open bar cost. It was $30 a person. But yes, I had the wedding I wanted. I’m upset about familial involvement. I have a large close family. Dhs is even closer and is also large. His family thought my parents should pay for everything and were upset all their coworkers and neighbors weren’t invited. We invited family (cousins too) and only a few friends.

Ah, so it’s now 250 people and before it was 200. What’s truth? You need to get over this.

[Anonymous]

My dad claims he paid for my graduate education. He didn't. I did. He helped out a bit here and there, and some plane tickets, for which I am grateful. But I worked the whole time and wrote my own tuition checks.

The truth is, no one he tells really cares and anything I say just makes me look bad.

You are going to have to let this go. But yes, I get why it rankles. And stop throwing events for your cousins.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to get over this, OP?

Or do you just want to vent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

Op here. You think we could have had a wedding for 250 for 7,500? With open bar? That’s what my open bar cost. It was $30 a person. But yes, I had the wedding I wanted. I’m upset about familial involvement. I have a large close family. Dhs is even closer and is also large. His family thought my parents should pay for everything and were upset all their coworkers and neighbors weren’t invited. We invited family (cousins too) and only a few friends.

It’s not about “familial involvement, it’s about taking credit and money.

You know what I think about my wedding, that I paid for (me not DH) when I think back on it? My wonderful friends, the funny stories, my dad’s speech, my perfect dress. It was a wonderful event and everyone still talks about it and many of my friends have said my wedding was their template for theirs.

You need to get a grip and re-frame this ugly story you’ve made for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

Op here. You think we could have had a wedding for 250 for 7,500? With open bar? That’s what my open bar cost. It was $30 a person. But yes, I had the wedding I wanted. I’m upset about familial involvement. I have a large close family. Dhs is even closer and is also large. His family thought my parents should pay for everything and were upset all their coworkers and neighbors weren’t invited. We invited family (cousins too) and only a few friends.

Ah, so it’s now 250 people and before it was 200. What’s truth? You need to get over this.

Ha! I’m wondering if the price hasn’t gone up as the years have worn on.

[Anonymous]

If I was you, OP, I would drop the whole cost of the wedding conversation. Like other PPs have said, your mother likely thinks the $15K covered it (and I also got married 10 years ago in DC, with a huge close family with 200 guests and our entire wedding-- open bar/dinner/beautiful venue cost ~22k, so her thought is not unreasonable).

I do not see a problem, however, in saying something about this pressure and expectation that you throw showers for everyone when no one thought to throw you a shower for your wedding or a baby shower.

I think I would be hurt that in that situation, too.

It might be they just didn't think of it, or maybe you are viewed as the party planner in the family and thus no one thought to throw one for you, etc. At the very least, if you are still feeling so hurt by it a decade later, it might be a good idea to discuss it in a non-accusatory way.

I would just think carefully about what you want out of the conversation-- do you want them to apologize? Do you want them to stop pressuring you to throw showers for others? etc

I would also consider what you would do if they get defensive. Are you willing to drop it to avoid a fight or hard feelings? etc.

[Anonymous]

So no one planned a wedding shower for you and no one planned a baby shower for you on your side of the family. However your mom wants you to host wedding showers for your cousins.

Hmmm. I would stop planning and hosting anything for your side of the family. You don't have a close family, they aren't being nice to you and that's why this bothers you still. It's hurtful.