How to get over wedding chip on my shoulder?

[Anonymous]

There is really more going on here that a therapist may be a good idea. You way overspent for a wedding, but say it is not about the money. Why do you care if anyone thought it was going to be nice? Why did you need to say you skimped on anything? Why when your mom says she paid for it all, do you not doors t her?

And what does throwing showers for others have to do with it?

This has got to be about a bigger family dynamic. Which clearly really bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This thread actually helped me a lot. I spoke with my mom and she said I was too young to need anything when I was getting married and that she told my aunt not to throw me a shower (I didn’t know my aunt evenoffered to throw one). She said a 23 year old didn’t need fancy china like a 30 year old does who hosts family holidays.

I did know that my parents thought I was getting married too young but dh and I were happy together (and still are!) and wanted to get married before buying a house and moving in together.

My family is wealthy. We are not but are comfortably happy and I don’t regret any money spent on my wedding. I guess I just feel like people don’t support young marriages the same way they support older marriages, but that’s my opinion.

Op your mom is a bitch and I bet you are the scapegoat of the family. Stop doing anything for the rest of the family. I had friends get married at 23 and their families had showers for them and gave them nice things. Your mother actively stopped your aunt from throwing you a shower - that's low.

They could have had one and given you the fancy china later if you know what I mean. It's not about how young you were, your mother simply isn't nice to you. Read up on scapegoating in families.

[Anonymous]

Just have an elaborate vow renewal for your 10 or 15 year wedding anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let them say it and let others believe it. Much better than having people know you were dumb enough to waste 45k on a wedding.

Allll of this. You ate ramen for years to cover one extravagant party? How embarrassing.

[p0rnstorm21]

+1, it's great

[Anonymous]

This would bother me too. OP, have your own shower. Make it no gifts, but invite your friends for a belated bridal shower. We don’t do games at showers in our family, but if you do, do all the games, have a cake, mimosas, etc.

And I would 100% correct my mom.

“We paid for Jenny’s wedding. It’s what parents do!”
“Actually, mom and dad paid for close to half of the wedding expenses. John and I saved to pay for the bulk of the expenses.”

I am sure that makes me a small person, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This thread actually helped me a lot. I spoke with my mom and she said I was too young to need anything when I was getting married and that she told my aunt not to throw me a shower (I didn’t know my aunt evenoffered to throw one). She said a 23 year old didn’t need fancy china like a 30 year old does who hosts family holidays.

I did know that my parents thought I was getting married too young but dh and I were happy together (and still are!) and wanted to get married before buying a house and moving in together.

My family is wealthy. We are not but are comfortably happy and I don’t regret any money spent on my wedding. I guess I just feel like people don’t support young marriages the same way they support older marriages, but that’s my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Oops replying to your post above OP^ Wow! Much clearer now with more info. So sorry. This was a lame response by your mom. And now you say you're family is wealthy. I think you are taken for granted in your family. Not sure why. Your beautiful wedding may have been a way to get validation that you've possibly been seeking from them. You know that the continuation of their behavior isn't acceptable. I'd bow out gracefully on hosting anything in the future. They had many ways to step up post wedding. They aren't worthy of your kindness. Your in-laws may not have offered more for the rehearsal because they figured your side is wealthy enough to pick up the tab.

It's time to accept what you can't control. Be happy and enjoy what you built with your own family. Shed the baggage. Save your dignity.

[Anonymous]

My FIL loves to boast about how he paid for the house, he asks, do you know people who can afford such a large house in such a nice neighborhood at your age? It’s hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes. Because I was old when I got my first house. I was 38. Plus he pushed us to wait to buy a house back in 2010 (he had promised each child to give $250k to help with down payment), but then housing price went up $250k for the same entry level 4bd house in Mclean by 2015. We ended up not being able to afford Mclean. But he still loves to tell others he bought his two sons their houses and that his daughters in law are lucky.

I made $130k when I met DH who made $75k. I’ve always made more than him until I left the private sector and joined the government after having a kid. I hate how my FIL doesn’t acknowledge that I contributed a big chunk of our family’s savings which eventually led to this house and our current net worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was you, OP, I would drop the whole cost of the wedding conversation. Like other PPs have said, your mother likely thinks the $15K covered it (and I also got married 10 years ago in DC, with a huge close family with 200 guests and our entire wedding-- open bar/dinner/beautiful venue cost ~22k, so her thought is not unreasonable).

I do not see a problem, however, in saying something about this pressure and expectation that you throw showers for everyone when no one thought to throw you a shower for your wedding or a baby shower.

I think I would be hurt that in that situation, too.

It might be they just didn't think of it, or maybe you are viewed as the party planner in the family and thus no one thought to throw one for you, etc. At the very least, if you are still feeling so hurt by it a decade later, it might be a good idea to discuss it in a non-accusatory way.

I would just think carefully about what you want out of the conversation-- do you want them to apologize? Do you want them to stop pressuring you to throw showers for others? etc

I would also consider what you would do if they get defensive. Are you willing to drop it to avoid a fight or hard feelings? etc.

Waaaait. $22k for 200 ten years ago in DC? Where? It cost us $40k to do $130 people in a beautiful venue that was not a hotel/open bar/dinner plus dress (cheaper side at $1200), cheaper student photographer ($1400 with no editing no album), makeup, flowers, all the incidentals just for the day of. We are not including rehearsal dinner costs. If $22k includes everything, I really want to know the venue. My cousin is engaged and looking in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Ahhh...tell them to fu%k off!

If people ask you to throw a shower, tell them that no one threw you a shower and only contribution to your 45K wedding came from $15K from your dad and whatever your FIL gave. If you could do it on your own, others can do it too.

Say it. Often. Loudly. In a passive-aggressive joking manner.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. My DH and I paid for our wedding and my family was uncool about it. In my family, I was the one who never needed help snd would always figure it out—that’s their perception. They were less than enthused because they had issues with my sisters marriage and were taking it out on me. Long story short, my sisters husband is trash and somehow they were very concerned about me getting married. It’s not the same situation but I get everyone being super enthusiastic about me wedding versus another in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would bother me too. OP, have your own shower. Make it no gifts, but invite your friends for a belated bridal shower. We don’t do games at showers in our family, but if you do, do all the games, have a cake, mimosas, etc.

And I would 100% correct my mom.

“We paid for Jenny’s wedding. It’s what parents do!”
“Actually, mom and dad paid for close to half of the wedding expenses. John and I saved to pay for the bulk of the expenses.”

I am sure that makes me a small person, but whatever.

I don’t think it’s petty as long as you’re polite.

“We were so grateful you could contribute half the costs of the wedding! It was a big help when we were saving for wedding expenses.”

That way she can still say “you’re welcome” but you’re not participating in a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but eating ramen so you could blow $45,000 on a wedding ten years ago is ridiculous. Did your mother refuse to help you plan the wedding or did you not ask for help? The chip you have on your shoulder was placed there by you, not someone else.

Maybe YOU think so. Everyone has different priorities and if you have any idea about the cost of weddings these days, 45K in DC gets you something "decent"

[Anonymous]

Did the subject of the shower never come up? Did you ever say you wanted one? Or that you didn't want one? I didn't have a wedding shower because I said I didn't want one. If that was the case, you don't get to be mad ten years later that your family believed you. If you did want one, and articulated that, I can see why you would be upset. But still - ten years ago? Move on.