How to get over wedding chip on my shoulder?

[Anonymous]

The next time your mom brought it up in public, you say, "ha, that's so cute! Mom was thinking about the cost of her wedding!" Or "yep, that covered the open bar tab. Thanx mom!"

I don't think your mom will ever change her tune, but that doesn't mean you have to play along. You can at least call her out which might make you feel better about this whole thing.

And only host showers for cousins that you actually like, not just because your mom asked.

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents paid for a third of your wedding. That’s a decent sized contribution, and more than any adult should actually EXPECT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paying that much was your decision. Own it.

Op here. It’s not about the money at all.

Your mother is taking credit for a beautiful (and expensive!) event that you planned, executed and paid for yourself. While your parent's generous 15K gift to you after the wedding was very nice of them, it was done after the fact. Your mother saying that she and your dad paid for the wedding is not true. How did you spend the 15K? Did you use it to pay for some of the wedding expenses? Did you use it for a down payment on a house? Did you buy a car? Did you use it for your honeymoon? It would be nice to give credit to your parents for what they actually did do.

[Anonymous]

If this has been eating at you for ten years, I think you should talk to your mom about it. Emphasize how very very much you appreciated her generous contribution, but tell her it hurts when she diminishes your own contribution. i agree with the posters suggesting that she probably doesn’t know that her contribution didn’t cover the whole thing. Do it privately before you snap and make a snarky remark like PPs are suggesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

Op here. You think we could have had a wedding for 250 for 7,500? With open bar? That’s what my open bar cost. It was $30 a person. But yes, I had the wedding I wanted. I’m upset about familial involvement. I have a large close family. Dhs is even closer and is also large. His family thought my parents should pay for everything and were upset all their coworkers and neighbors weren’t invited. We invited family (cousins too) and only a few friends.

Ah, so it’s now 250 people and before it was 200. What’s truth? You need to get over this.

Also, HIS parents thought YOUR parents should pay for everything? AND that they should get to invite all their neighbors and co-workers?

Look, YOU chose to have a big, expensive wedding. No one forced you to invite 250 people and have a full dinner and open bar and whatever else. It was the wedding that YOU wanted. And clearly, it *is* about costs, at least in part, or you wouldn't have mentioned the dollar figures. Your parents came, yes? They contributed to the cost of your wedding, yes? Why would anyone else help you plan? Did you ask them to help? Did you ask them to come dress shopping with you? (Didn't your bridesmaid(s) do that?) Did they refuse to help, or did they just not offer?

I'm sorry you didn't get a wedding shower, but it sounds like people were just not thinking (including your own attendants), not that it was some kind of snub, and it was ten years ago, and you need to let it go. If you want to host showers for family members, do it. If you don't, just say you're not up for hosting this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

For $75 a person? You can’t even go out to a restaurant for that with more than two drinks a person. What about rings, dress, flowers, music, invitations, honeymoon, transportation, etc?

You’re counting rings and a vacation as “wedding costs”?!

We took an Uber to our venue. We had simple, non-custom flowers. We paid for the drinks a la carte; most people had only one or no drinks. The small minority had more than two. The invitations and thank you cards were under $100 together.

It was well under $75/head.

No one cares. Go to another thread to brag about your cheap wedding.

The entire point is that OP's parents have every reason to believe they comfortably covered the costs and don't know what OP's extra lavish wedding cost. And cluing them in might not result in the reaction she's hoping for.

If they attended it, they may have noticed that it wasn’t the wedding you are describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time your mom brought it up in public, you say, "ha, that's so cute! Mom was thinking about the cost of her wedding!" Or "yep, that covered the open bar tab. Thanx mom!"

I don't think your mom will ever change her tune, but that doesn't mean you have to play along. You can at least call her out which might make you feel better about this whole thing.

And only host showers for cousins that you actually like, not just because your mom asked.

OMG, why would you try to embarrass your mom like that?

I'm in the camp of let. it. go but if you can't do that, at least speak to her privately. PP is giving you awful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not even sure what to title this.

I was married 10 years ago at 23. Dh and I had dated for 5 years and had a lovely wedding that cost us 45k in DC. We skimped on a lot for ourselves but went all out on food, alcohol and venue for our 200 guests (mostly close family). I think no one expected it to be a nice wedding. No one helped us plan, no one threw us a shower, no one came wedding dress shopping. Dhs parents ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner but we didn’t know that beforehand so it was only $200 for pizzas in our house (we planned what we could afford and I couldn’t afford 2k for maggianos). My parents gave us 15k afterwards which we were so grateful for. But my parents have told everyone over and over they paid for my entire wedding. I feel like every time they say that it diminishes the 30k of my own money that I paid while eating ramen for years.

I have since thrown 4 showers for our siblings and cousins and have been to at least 9 family weddings.. My mom is nagging me to throw another shower for a cousin getting married this year. I’m just so annoyed at it all. My MIL has been spending all her weekends helping a different cousin with her wedding crafts. MIL makes elaborate grooms cakes for all her family’s weddings. They completely paid for their daughters weddings and threw them showers.

I just feel such a chip on my shoulder and I hate that I feel this way. I can’t seem to get over it though. I loved my wedding but I felt a bit abandoned by our families beforehand.

I’d also be pretty annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness. You choose to forgive and not judge people based on the way you felt slighted by them 10 years ago. You choose to count the ways they have blessed your life. I suspect the blessings have outweighed the shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

What are you getting out of harboring and stoking this resentment?

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed too if I paid for 66% of my wedding but my parents told people they covered it all. Like other pps suggested, say something next time.

As far as family throwing showers, I see nothing at all wrong with it. Completely normal in my community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Paying that much was your decision. Own it.

Op here. It’s not about the money at all.

Really? I copied your OP below, and bolded all the references to money. Which is pretty much the whole thing.

I was married 10 years ago at 23. Dh and I had dated for 5 years and had a lovely wedding that cost us 45k in DC. We skimped on a lot for ourselves but went all out on food, alcohol and venue for our 200 guests (mostly close family). I think no one expected it to be a nice wedding. No one helped us plan, no one threw us a shower, no one came wedding dress shopping. Dhs parents ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner but we didn’t know that beforehand so it was only $200 for pizzas in our house (we planned what we could afford and I couldn’t afford 2k for maggianos). My parents gave us 15k afterwards which we were so grateful for. But my parents have told everyone over and over they paid for my entire wedding. I feel like every time they say that it diminishes the 30k of my own money that I paid while eating ramen for years.

I have since thrown 4 showers for our siblings and cousins and have been to at least 9 family weddings.. My mom is nagging me to throw another shower for a cousin getting married this year. I’m just so annoyed at it all. My MIL has been spending all her weekends helping a different cousin with her wedding crafts. MIL makes elaborate grooms cakes for all her family’s weddings. They completely paid for their daughters weddings and threw them showers.

[Anonymous]

WHO even likes a shower? I guess the bride? The typical 30 year old bride does not need kitchenware. Do you part and don't participate.

[Anonymous]

Nicely tell your mom it hurts your feelings that you are being asked to host yet another shower when no one ever gave you a shower. Ask her if she can help you understand why.

If it really bothers you, next time she claims she paid for your wedding, say "we were so grateful for mom's generous help! It covered about a third of the total cost. Weddings are so expensive!" and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

You had a top shelf open bar wedding 7 years ago for $7500? Did you and the 25 people you invited enjoy the cheese and crackers and mix tape you made?