How to get over wedding chip on my shoulder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say no to hosting you don’t want to do. Don’t worry about mom’s pressure or judginess. It’s annoying that she claims to have paid for your wedding. You can ask her why she says that if you want, acknowledging that they made a significant and much-appreciated contribution to you wedding, but that you also shouldered the bulk of it.

+1 no more hosting. At this point it’s not about your family not throwing you a shower. You’ve shouldered more than enough for your family. It’s time for someone else to take on that responsibility.

As for the paying for the wedding. The next time your mom says it, pull her aside and ask why she keeps saying that. And since it bothers you (and I get why) correct her.

Do you know why your families didn’t provide the contributions that they are now providing to others? Are they in a better financial position now? Did they not expect the marriage to last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you saved up $30K as a 23 year old? Did I read that right? And you got no help from your family? We’re you living at home? Did you go to college?

Yes. We were two years out of college with two jobs (50k or so jobs).

We didn’t live together before marriage but lived with roommates.

That’s the thing, I like throwing the showers. And I felt sort of bad not having one and don’t want my cousins to feel that way. Not about the gifts but more about family looking forward to your wedding. These are family showers for family, so it’s not greedy for your aunt to throw a shower or whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but eating ramen so you could blow $45,000 on a wedding ten years ago is ridiculous. Did your mother refuse to help you plan the wedding or did you not ask for help? The chip you have on your shoulder was placed there by you, not someone else.

[Anonymous]

Then have it out with your mother. Tell her you’re tired of hearing her nag about throwing a shower when no one in your family bothered to give you one. Just do it and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

You must have zero problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then have it out with your mother. Tell her you’re tired of hearing her nag about throwing a shower when no one in your family bothered to give you one. Just do it and be done with it.

+1. Big fan of laying it out in the open, especially if done as kindly as possible while still conveying your message. I understand why this would make you resentful and I don’t think the feeling will just go away if you ignore it.

[Anonymous]

How to get over it? Make a decision to get over it. You had the wedding you wanted. I don’t even understand why people are talking about who paid for a wedding 10 years ago, but just correct her next time she says that. Do the hosting you feel good about and don’t accept pressure if you don’t want to do it. In other words, grow up.

[Anonymous]

We’re your families against your marriage? Or why do you think no one threw you a shower or whatever?

We also paid for our wedding but my mom came to help plan quite a bit of it and I understand why you are upset if no one took an interest in your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were your families against your marriage? Or why do you think no one threw you a shower or whatever?

We also paid for our wedding but my mom came to help plan quite a bit of it and I understand why you are upset if no one took an interest in your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Something is missing here. I’m wondering if there are important details you’re not sharing, OP.

Did your family support this wedding? Did they approve of your then fiancé? Did they think you were too young? What did your in-laws think?

[Anonymous]

Are you going to have kids? I am sure someone will throw you a kick ass baby shower!

[Anonymous]

Another way to look at it is, if others were paying for your wedding beforehand, they also be giving you their opinions and wanting to do things their way. So by doing all the work yourselves, you got exactly the wedding you wanted and were spared a lot of drama and angst.

I think a PP may be right in that your parents may have had no idea how much things really cost. You may want to reminsice one day with her and ask about how much weddings cost when she was getting married and what kind of planning she did for her own wedding. While she’s reminiscing, you can also recall some of the details about your wedding and let her in on at least some of what you did.

If you’ve hosted the previous showers at your home, tell your Mom that you can co-host with her help. You’ll provide the space and help her with setting up but she’ll have to provide the food and all other party goods. You should clearly spell out that you can’t do more than that this time, so if she can’t take on the responsibility for the the food, etc, you will not be able to.

[Anonymous]

Are you the oldest with a bunch of younger siblings at home? If so, that could explain why...first your parents hadn't been through it before and second, they may not have had the disposable income they have now. Just a guess.

I'd feel a bit resentful in your situation too. I think the best thing is to talk to your mom about it. Tell her you really appreciated the $15000 they gave you but you still paid $30000 and it hurts when she says she paid for your wedding when you made so many sacrifices and worked so hard to pay for it yourself. Also, straight up tell her you felt bad about the lack of excitement around your wedding, no shower etc and it stings every time you're asked to throw one for someone else.

Be honest but kind. She may not realize the reality and may be able to explain circumstances you weren't aware of at that time.

[Anonymous]

They gave you twice what you needed for a lovely wedding and reasonably think they covered it. Admitting you went insanely overboard won’t help anything.

And before I get accused of not knowing what weddings cost I had a wonderful top shelf liquor open bar wedding 7 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not even sure what to title this.

I was married 10 years ago at 23. Dh and I had dated for 5 years and had a lovely wedding that cost us 45k in DC. We skimped on a lot for ourselves but went all out on food, alcohol and venue for our 200 guests (mostly close family). I think no one expected it to be a nice wedding. No one helped us plan, no one threw us a shower, no one came wedding dress shopping. Dhs parents ended up paying for the rehearsal dinner but we didn’t know that beforehand so it was only $200 for pizzas in our house (we planned what we could afford and I couldn’t afford 2k for maggianos). My parents gave us 15k afterwards which we were so grateful for. But my parents have told everyone over and over they paid for my entire wedding. I feel like every time they say that it diminishes the 30k of my own money that I paid while eating ramen for years.

I have since thrown 4 showers for our siblings and cousins and have been to at least 9 family weddings.. My mom is nagging me to throw another shower for a cousin getting married this year. I’m just so annoyed at it all. My MIL has been spending all her weekends helping a different cousin with her wedding crafts. MIL makes elaborate grooms cakes for all her family’s weddings. They completely paid for their daughters weddings and threw them showers.

I just feel such a chip on my shoulder and I hate that I feel this way. I can’t seem to get over it though. I loved my wedding but I felt a bit abandoned by our families beforehand.

You could throw 100 showers and it will never make up for the fact that someone didn't throw you one. You feel like you did miss out and you do feel bad because you felt like no one cared. You wanted people to step up while at the same time outwardly telling people who independent you were and how you didn't need that kind of thing and so on. There is nothing remarkable about your story and there are literally millions of women like you. You learned the hard way that as an adult when you tell people something a few times, it sticks, they believe you.