My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a father with an anger management problem. Please do not have children with this man.

I grew up terrified of my father. As in, I would cry if I had to be home alone with him. Up until my early 20's, if any older man (teacher, boss, etc.) got angry at me, I'd get tears in my eyes and do the Silent Cry. I couldn't help it - I assumed there was so much anger behind their yelling and that they were just as angry as my father always was.

My father mellowed around the age of 60. For him. He still yells at my mother in restaurants and other public places.

A few years ago my father got so angry at my mother while we were in the car, that he expressed his anger by shooting forward, then slamming on the brakes, and I had a panic attack for the only time in my life.

PLEASE do NOT have children with a man like this.

I think people can easily overlook the fact that traits in a person that are difficult for other adults to deal with can be IMPOSSIBLE for children to deal with. OP, as an adult, has a hard time not being afraid or hurt by her DHs outburst and she's had years of dealing with them to develop strategies. A small child, that doesn't have the coping mechanisms or understanding of an adult, doesn't have many resources to protect themselves from this kind of behavior. They're just left wide open and pretty defenseless.

[Anonymous]

He's crossed a line.

Anonymous wrote:Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

The universe may be giving you a gift of no children right now so that you aren't stuck with him. Get out. Focus on yourself and being a good person. Your life will improve and you can be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way, your neighbors don't think, they know.

This may be the most powerful, truthful thing I've ever read on DCUM

[Anonymous]

OP - FIL is a "Mellow Guy" now, thanks to meds. None of his children are close to him. All of his DILs give him a wide berth and keep the grandchildren away from him.

All of his children are resentful that their mother put up with FIL's shit for so many years when they were growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

OP, I have not read the responses, as I identified with your post first hand.

My husband has an explosive temper. He throws things. A lot. He yells at me and the children. A lot. At first, I did not think this was a problem. Years later, I walk on eggshells still. To say that my DH does not communicate well is an understatement. He comes form an abusive family. I have posted on here on occasion, in spurts, only to get reamed and told to divorce (given very little information); so frankly this is not the place for you to be asking.

But I can share my experience, within limited scope, and tell you that things are not going to get better. In fact, things will very, very probably get worse. Our children emulate his awful points, and this is a problem. A real problem. Whether or not you don't want it to be, whether or not he seeks help, whether or not he admits he has a problem.....there are so many factors that may mean nothing.

My DH is a charmer. Everyone (everyone) loves - no, adores - him. I can't think of one person who does not like him, really. They have no idea. None. He barely even drinks (an occasional beer - which is not the issue). He goes on tirades that don't last that long, but certainly cause permanent damage. Mostly about money. He has huge - no enormous - insecurities about money that are unfounded, but have everything to do with his upbringing. There are a few other topics that set him off irrationally and HARD. I do not want to divulge which, because the issues are so irrational, it will most certainly out him. He is very successful (his abuse by his family contributed to DH's successes, if you can wrap your head around that).

When we first were engaged, he had his first tirade in front of me, about spending money on a $12. item. $12., that's it. I should have known now what this meant, but I was too young to realize. He had no problem spending hundreds on shoes or sunglasses, but this $12. item was a enormous deal to him. It has messed me up a bit, in that my gauge for what matters with him (and me) is off, as he has abusive tendencies, anger issues, and issues from his being abused. He does not talk about his family. He does not really see his family, more than a few times per year. He is an awful human being around his family. I generally do not see his family. I hate them for what they did. Not dislike, but hate. I wish I could send them this writing, seriously.

Whatever you decide, know that you went into this with this warning. It does not get better. If you think counseling might help, try it. But I can honestly say that Dh's family should have gotten counseling, and they did not. Dh definitely needs counseling, but he has charmed even the counselors, so there is that. If you think that sounds like a waste of good money, well, it certainly is. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Um, I'm sorry, not only do they think it, they are correct: verbal outbursts that have you walking on eggshells are a form of abuse. You know this, and you know you have to leave, or you wouldn't be so sad about the chances of 'being alone' or never having children.

You are pretty clearly putting up with this or staying out of fear of being alone and|or not having children. This is not a reason to stay with someone. It is the worst possible set of circumstances to have children.

You're confronting this now because you can't hide the abuse any longer: he's done it in public where others can see (the threat of that is in itself a huge method of control over you).

There are some PPs who say they mellowed and got over their anger issues. It is possible that your husband might. Few things will motivate him as much as leaving his ass - maybe just a separation - to actually accept responsibility for his emotional problems and to take some concrete steps to fix them.

This is an absolutely unacceptable environment for you, much less any children. GTFO now.

signed,

A guy who was in a 4 year relationship with a female abuser who used unhinged behavior (or the threat of it), gaslighting and the threat of violence to keep me under her thumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is out to get him... OP, no one is perfect, no life is perfect. We all live with our shortcomings.

No, this is almost abusive. Explosive anger is a major issues, its NOT normal to "explode" over everyday annoyances. OP is going to gradually keep making herself smaller and smaller to try to avoid the triggers. Please do NOT have a kid with this man. My god, your kids will fear him. Ask any kid who grew up in this kind of house. My best friend grew up in this enviroment but we didnt know the extent until much later. She has no self esteem, never feels like she can push back or stand up for herself. She tries to make herself invisible,and married a seriel cheating asshole. Your husband doesn't need just meditation, he needs therapy and meds. You need a separation. Holy smokes, I am assuming you are too young to know better but a lifetime making yourserlf invisible is way way more painful than being single. Good luck to you OP. you have a very hard road ahead of you. but for real, this shit is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

this husband of yours is a geniius, he has major anger, insecruity and mental health issues and has convinced you that YOU are to blame. this is classic abuse. As I tell my 3 year old, "you are allowed to feel anythign you want, but you are NOT allowed to act out anyway you want"- we all deal with stress and insecrutiy. My DH has never screamed at me and maybe raised his voice at me or our kid less than 5 times. Its so shocking when he does to to my 3 year old she instantly starts crying. He would never try to intimidate or berate us. He can feel all the rage he wants, but he is an adult and he better keep that shit inside until he as an appropriate outlet for. Me and the kid are not that outlet. He knows that. Please OP, at least go for a trial separation. you have no idea how stressful a kid is. And I also had a baby at 40 via IVF. it was pricey and stressful but honestly it made us closer. At the end of the day we see each other as support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a father with an anger management problem. Please do not have children with this man.

I grew up terrified of my father. As in, I would cry if I had to be home alone with him. Up until my early 20's, if any older man (teacher, boss, etc.) got angry at me, I'd get tears in my eyes and do the Silent Cry. I couldn't help it - I assumed there was so much anger behind their yelling and that they were just as angry as my father always was.

My father mellowed around the age of 60. For him. He still yells at my mother in restaurants and other public places.

A few years ago my father got so angry at my mother while we were in the car, that he expressed his anger by shooting forward, then slamming on the brakes, and I had a panic attack for the only time in my life.

PLEASE do NOT have children with a man like this.

Most women would tear up if a teacher or boss yelled (!) at them.

OP, only you know your level of tolerance towards raised voices. I have none. Although from what you wrote, I don't feel your husband is abusive. He is the way he is. It's good he's trying, and it's great it has a positive effect on your daily life. But again, you are the only person who can decide if you'd rather live with this man or live alone (at least for a while). Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The universe may be giving you a gift of no children right now so that you aren't stuck with him. Get out. Focus on yourself and being a good person. Your life will improve and you can be happy!

Some gift

Some people need to learn to STFU. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Op please don't let your fear of being alone prevent you from leaving this man.

You were embarrassed and you should have been. No one should be screamed and talked to like that. I can tell you right now - THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER. They will likely get worse (maybe it will turn into physical abuse considering this mans level of rage).

Do no under any circumstances have children with this man. You have the chance to get out now -and deep down you know you should - that is why you wrote on here.

Please see a therapist. They will help you actually see what is really going on and that your husband has serious anger management issues that he needs to work on. The good news is - you don't have to be there while he "works on" himself. You can get out now.

I was in a relationship like this. It is always your fault. You walk on eggshells constantly. They verbally abuse you and make you feel like you are worthless. Your depression is clouding all rationale. The sensible you would look at yourself in the mirror and tell you to get the hell away from him NOW.

If your friends or family have been around him long enough they surely have witnessed this behavior and know what you are dealing with. Maybe they don't want to say anything. Even if they don't know - by God please tell them. You need people to lean on right now.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has anger problems so severe that it has sent you into a depression. Very typical that you two hugged this morning on the couch. That hugfest and makeup sex baloney always happens after abusive outbursts. Until the next one and the next one. Plus he yells at his staff too!

Move on. Couples counseling would probably be a waste of money.

Once you get over your depression and feel better about yourself, you can start dating again. Women have babies in their 40s or you could adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op please don't let your fear of being alone prevent you from leaving this man.

You were embarrassed and you should have been. No one should be screamed and talked to like that. I can tell you right now - THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER. They will likely get worse (maybe it will turn into physical abuse considering this mans level of rage).

Do no under any circumstances have children with this man. You have the chance to get out now -and deep down you know you should - that is why you wrote on here.

Please see a therapist. They will help you actually see what is really going on and that your husband has serious anger management issues that he needs to work on. The good news is - you don't have to be there while he "works on" himself. You can get out now.

I was in a relationship like this. It is always your fault. You walk on eggshells constantly. They verbally abuse you and make you feel like you are worthless. Your depression is clouding all rationale. The sensible you would look at yourself in the mirror and tell you to get the hell away from him NOW.

If your friends or family have been around him long enough they surely have witnessed this behavior and know what you are dealing with. Maybe they don't want to say anything. Even if they don't know - by God please tell them. You need people to lean on right now.

+1

PP here. This is what I fear.

[Anonymous]

Now it's not just your neighbors it's DCUM too. Perhaps you should listen. I know how hard it can be to leave even if they are abusive toward you. You need to take a deep breath and just do it. It will only get worse.