My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

OP
I'm a guy that WAS similar to your husband. I have a temper and goes on tantrum every now and then.

The only advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to him how it affects you deep down. If he truly cares he would stop or go to therapy for anger management.

Most of the time we are clueless, take our wife for granted and forget to show appreciation and affection. We do need to be reminded every now and then.

I hope you do sit down with him. According to you he's a decent guy but with a bad temper. Don't be afraid of him, stand your ground and tell him if he don't stop you will leave. That is a wake up call for most men and if they care they WILL stop. I did.

Also the time when he doesn't speak after a tirade this is my take on that.
1. So we don't make the situation worst.
2. The time when we start to feel remorse for what we just did.
3. Finding a way to patch things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people notice him ranting like a maniac in the halls, then that's more than getting angry for 15 seconds. Nothing wrong with getting angry about something. If how you handle it involves acting in ways that scare, embarrass, and upset your partner, then you need to find new ways to express your anger.

I get it, OP. My neighbors would look at me funny sometimes, and with pity, and keep their distance, because they'd often overhear my husband screaming and cursing. He didn't call me names or hit me, but he was horrible and frightening, and would use his outbursts to control me and keep me quiet. And that's emotional abuse. It took us both a long time and years of therapy to understand this and work on changing the dynamic--me to stop making excuses and putting up with it, and him to get at the roots of his issues and learn to manage his anger and emotions and behave appropriately.

It is also not the first time if the building manager was wondering whether to call the police. OP, you DH has a SERIOUS anger management problem at the very least. This is the result of daily meditation and your trips to a therapist? this is as far as you got?

OP said "I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting." Nowhere does it say anyone was going to call the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
I'm a guy that WAS similar to your husband. I have a temper and goes on tantrum every now and then.

The only advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to him how it affects you deep down. If he truly cares he would stop or go to therapy for anger management.

Most of the time we are clueless, take our wife for granted and forget to show appreciation and affection. We do need to be reminded every now and then.

I hope you do sit down with him. According to you he's a decent guy but with a bad temper. Don't be afraid of him, stand your ground and tell him if he don't stop you will leave. That is a wake up call for most men and if they care they WILL stop. I did.

Also the time when he doesn't speak after a tirade this is my take on that.
1. So we don't make the situation worst.
2. The time when we start to feel remorse for what we just did.
3. Finding a way to patch things up.

OP here - thank you for this perspective. We definitely had that talk over the weekend - and have had it before. He feels badly that I become so upset, but he also thinks I should have a thicker skin and that, while it's not necessarily okay, his outbursts are a normal part of life. We disagree on that.

I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I'm a guy that WAS similar to your husband. I have a temper and goes on tantrum every now and then.

The only advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to him how it affects you deep down. If he truly cares he would stop or go to therapy for anger management.

Most of the time we are clueless, take our wife for granted and forget to show appreciation and affection. We do need to be reminded every now and then.

I hope you do sit down with him. According to you he's a decent guy but with a bad temper. Don't be afraid of him, stand your ground and tell him if he don't stop you will leave. That is a wake up call for most men and if they care they WILL stop. I did.

Also the time when he doesn't speak after a tirade this is my take on that.
1. So we don't make the situation worst.
2. The time when we start to feel remorse for what we just did.
3. Finding a way to patch things up.

OP here - thank you for this perspective. We definitely had that talk over the weekend - and have had it before. He feels badly that I become so upset, but he also thinks I should have a thicker skin and that, while it's not necessarily okay, his outbursts are a normal part of life. We disagree on that.

I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.

It's good that he's aware of it. But it seems like he needs some help, I was lucky enough to control mine without. I still get upset but I can control myself not to go on a tirade or raise my voice. I wanted to control mine w/o therapy but would have gone if I failed. So far I have for I don't want to hurt her emotionally. I wasn't aware in the beginning that it affected her that much. Just knowing that it did was enough for me to stop.
You should tell him having a thicker skin is not an option. If he must have an outburst he must not do it in your presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
I'm a guy that WAS similar to your husband. I have a temper and goes on tantrum every now and then.

The only advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to him how it affects you deep down. If he truly cares he would stop or go to therapy for anger management.

Most of the time we are clueless, take our wife for granted and forget to show appreciation and affection. We do need to be reminded every now and then.

I hope you do sit down with him. According to you he's a decent guy but with a bad temper. Don't be afraid of him, stand your ground and tell him if he don't stop you will leave. That is a wake up call for most men and if they care they WILL stop. I did.

Also the time when he doesn't speak after a tirade this is my take on that.
1. So we don't make the situation worst.
2. The time when we start to feel remorse for what we just did.
3. Finding a way to patch things up.

OP here - thank you for this perspective. We definitely had that talk over the weekend - and have had it before. He feels badly that I become so upset, but he also thinks I should have a thicker skin and that, while it's not necessarily okay, his outbursts are a normal part of life. We disagree on that.

I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.

It's good that he's aware of it. But it seems like he needs some help, I was lucky enough to control mine without. I still get upset but I can control myself not to go on a tirade or raise my voice. I wanted to control mine w/o therapy but would have gone if I failed. So far I have for I don't want to hurt her emotionally. I wasn't aware in the beginning that it affected her that much. Just knowing that it did was enough for me to stop.
You should tell him having a thicker skin is not an option. If he must have an outburst he must not do it in your presence.

That's part of it, and he's gotten better about that, but when I start to see it building - his body tenses, his movements become "jerky" and he purses his lips and starts huffing a bit - I'm already upset. I'm like Pavlov's dog - at the first sign of trouble I'm already going to pieces already. I have not felt emotionally safe with him for so long I don't know if that can ever be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a father with an anger management problem. Please do not have children with this man.

I grew up terrified of my father. As in, I would cry if I had to be home alone with him. Up until my early 20's, if any older man (teacher, boss, etc.) got angry at me, I'd get tears in my eyes and do the Silent Cry. I couldn't help it - I assumed there was so much anger behind their yelling and that they were just as angry as my father always was.

My father mellowed around the age of 60. For him. He still yells at my mother in restaurants and other public places.

A few years ago my father got so angry at my mother while we were in the car, that he expressed his anger by shooting forward, then slamming on the brakes, and I had a panic attack for the only time in my life.

PLEASE do NOT have children with a man like this.

I think people can easily overlook the fact that traits in a person that are difficult for other adults to deal with can be IMPOSSIBLE for children to deal with. OP, as an adult, has a hard time not being afraid or hurt by her DHs outburst and she's had years of dealing with them to develop strategies. A small child, that doesn't have the coping mechanisms or understanding of an adult, doesn't have many resources to protect themselves from this kind of behavior. They're just left wide open and pretty defenseless.

+1

OP, you were embarrassed? Imagine you're a 13 year old girl and your father has a similar tantrum when he misses the green light while driving you and a friend to a movie. I have had to "explain" my father to numerous friends, etc. over the years, and it's ridiculous. My neighbors growing up thought we were abused because they could hear my father yelling all the time. And we lived in SFHs. I never felt "abused" growing up and I don't think I was, but I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells around my father to prevent an outburst. I wasn't scared of him like some PPs were of their fathers. More, I was scared of the embarrassment and judgment from others. My reactions to conflict are still abormal, and I'm almost 40. Please really think about having children with this person. Think about THEM, not you.

The fact that he's meditating to address the issue is a good sign. I think this incident shows that he really should try some therapy, as well, for his anger management problem. Stop letting him blame you for his unacceptable reactions to every day stresses. It's not ok. And please think for yourself whether you want to spend the next 30-40 years with this person. The answer may be yes. But you only get one life. You shouldn't spend most of your time with someone who treats you poorly because you're worried about who else, if anyone, is out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

Abuse is like porn, you can't really define, but you know it when you see it. You are being abused, thus the depression. Please don't even buy a pet with this man. Run, now, to your attorney and file for divorce. Biggest fear is that when he decides to stop meditating he will get worst and so will the abuse. It starts off like that first, verbal abuse then it moves forward.

Spend some time with yourself and learn to like you a little more, you won't be so worried about being alone then. Other people don't complete us, they bring things into our lives and some times it is crappy stuff and some times it is great stuff. Realize that your life will be actually better without a screaming crazy fool that you probably walk around on eggshells with all day trying not to set off his temper. That is no way to live and certainly no way for a child to live. My mother had a nasty temper while we were growing up. You walked on eggshells with her all day long just hoping not to poke the sleeping bear. Took years to shake that off and now avoid people like that like the plague. Being alone is a great thing, you decide what you want to do with you and all aspects of your life. The sense of independence is incredible. If you have all that then the best guy in the world will show up who would never consider screaming at you in public

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. It is so easy for anyone on the outside to read all that you have written here and think it's very clear that you need to get out of this damaging relationship.

It really does seem crystal clear to so many of us. But it's another to be living it for so long and feel trapped, afraid, scared, lonely, etc...

I am so sorry.

I grew up in a household ruled by an occasionally explosive personality. It took me a lot to get over that.

I want to suggest thinking about this from a different perspective. Imagine you are a mother. Imagine you have a 3 year old daughter.

Imagine your husband's behavior - exactly as it is currently in terms of occasional anger, how he responds to frustration, how he talks to others, how others perceive him, etc... Would that be acceptable for your 3 year old daughter to witness or experience?

What is your gut reaction to that question? Go from there. If it is clearly unacceptable for your 3 yr old daughter then why is it acceptable for you? Why are you deserving of less? Why would pursuing parenting with someone when you feel this way be a good idea? Etc...

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for this perspective. We definitely had that talk over the weekend - and have had it before. He feels badly that I become so upset, but he also thinks I should have a thicker skin and that, while it's not necessarily okay, his outbursts are a normal part of life. We disagree on that.

I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.

OP, I'm in a similar situation, but I have two kids. Most of the time, my husband is a great partner and father--supportive, patient, loving. But he has some periods where he goes batshit angry over small things, or becomes extremely confrontational and provocative, usually when he is either stressed out or feels criticized. The first itme I really saw it, however, was when we had our first baby. He went into a rage about my hanging up his pants incorrectly--I know this sounds crazy. But he had a tendency to just leave his suits on the floor where they would get wrinked, and this often annoyed me (the dry cleaning bills, the laundry, etc), so I would routinely ask him not to do this. But othertimes I would just hang them up, but sometimes didn't crease them correctly. This time, I hung them up, incorrectly creased I guess, and put them on the door of the closet (not in the closet) so he could decide whether they needed to be cleaned or just put away. But instead he took this as a passive aggressive attack on him--that I deliberately hung them in view to berate him--and was yelling, out of control, following me around the house. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, planning to leave, then thinking, with utter despair, that I was stuck. I had a baby and would not leave that child alone with a man so intemperate.

Things have never been that bad again, but the stress of a new baby was really, really difficult, so I would really suggest that unless he does anger management and you do couples therapy, put off having kids.

I also am in the same place where DH says that he's frustrated that he cant "express himself"--that his way of expressing himself, barking and waving hands, is not meant to be aggressive to me, but of course I experience it that way. We have different conflict styles there, and that is tough. I have never felt fear about my physical safety, but my emotional safety is another issue, and the example it sets for the kids. We have gone to therapy, and could use more of it, and he has toned it down over the years. But I understand what the phrase 'walking on eggshells' means around certain issues--i cannot correct him or suggest he's done something wrong in certain areas, ever (even though he does it to me)--he gets extremely defensive and goes on the attack. If I do criticize a particular thing he does or says and tell him that it makes me feel hurt/angry/whatever, he cannot hear me--instead, he hears me saying that I think he is a horrible husband and piece of crap and he basically completely escalates the argument--so I've learned, over the years, that it is very delicate thing to criticize him and that I have to be really patient. Alot of it has to do with the way he was raised, terrible self esteem and an abusive, angry father.

It makes me angry, because its unfair--he gets to act in a way with no consequences, whereas I am on the receiving end of anger. Just last night, he did something critical and intrusive and I got annoyed and pointed out that if I had done that to him, he would have flown off the handle. Mostly because I really wanted him to have a sense of perspective, that I'm tired of being barked at for doing things he does all the time. But instead he got very angry at me, telling me that I couldn't take any criticism and it was illegitimate of me to bring up his past behavior, and he escalated the argument into how I was bashing him, etc. Its not like he's exploding with rage, its more that we cannot have normal, functional easy resolution of small conflicts like healthily married couples. Things are either avoided completely or turn into arguments. As a result of the avoidance (my usual strategy) we are not as close as we could be, and I am always stressed when we have to deal with things that we have differences of opinion on. I am not planning on leaving as long as the kids are not affected and things dont get worse, but if I could go back in time, I probably would not have married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah all those athletes, coaches, random people that goes on tirade in the heat of the moment are abusive. What a bunch of angels we have here on dcum.

If strangers like the concierge are commenting on your insane behavior, you have a problem.

This is not a sporting event where screaming is OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here - thank you for this perspective. We definitely had that talk over the weekend - and have had it before. He feels badly that I become so upset, but he also thinks I should have a thicker skin and that, while it's not necessarily okay, his outbursts are a normal part of life. We disagree on that.

I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.

OP, I'm in a similar situation, but I have two kids. Most of the time, my husband is a great partner and father--supportive, patient, loving. But he has some periods where he goes batshit angry over small things, or becomes extremely confrontational and provocative, usually when he is either stressed out or feels criticized. The first itme I really saw it, however, was when we had our first baby. He went into a rage about my hanging up his pants incorrectly--I know this sounds crazy. But he had a tendency to just leave his suits on the floor where they would get wrinked, and this often annoyed me (the dry cleaning bills, the laundry, etc), so I would routinely ask him not to do this. But othertimes I would just hang them up, but sometimes didn't crease them correctly. This time, I hung them up, incorrectly creased I guess, and put them on the door of the closet (not in the closet) so he could decide whether they needed to be cleaned or just put away. But instead he took this as a passive aggressive attack on him--that I deliberately hung them in view to berate him--and was yelling, out of control, following me around the house. I remember locking myself in the bathroom, planning to leave, then thinking, with utter despair, that I was stuck. I had a baby and would not leave that child alone with a man so intemperate.

Things have never been that bad again, but the stress of a new baby was really, really difficult, so I would really suggest that unless he does anger management and you do couples therapy, put off having kids.

I also am in the same place where DH says that he's frustrated that he cant "express himself"--that his way of expressing himself, barking and waving hands, is not meant to be aggressive to me, but of course I experience it that way. We have different conflict styles there, and that is tough. I have never felt fear about my physical safety, but my emotional safety is another issue, and the example it sets for the kids. We have gone to therapy, and could use more of it, and he has toned it down over the years. But I understand what the phrase 'walking on eggshells' means around certain issues--i cannot correct him or suggest he's done something wrong in certain areas, ever (even though he does it to me)--he gets extremely defensive and goes on the attack. If I do criticize a particular thing he does or says and tell him that it makes me feel hurt/angry/whatever, he cannot hear me--instead, he hears me saying that I think he is a horrible husband and piece of crap and he basically completely escalates the argument--so I've learned, over the years, that it is very delicate thing to criticize him and that I have to be really patient. Alot of it has to do with the way he was raised, terrible self esteem and an abusive, angry father.

It makes me angry, because its unfair--he gets to act in a way with no consequences, whereas I am on the receiving end of anger. Just last night, he did something critical and intrusive and I got annoyed and pointed out that if I had done that to him, he would have flown off the handle. Mostly because I really wanted him to have a sense of perspective, that I'm tired of being barked at for doing things he does all the time. But instead he got very angry at me, telling me that I couldn't take any criticism and it was illegitimate of me to bring up his past behavior, and he escalated the argument into how I was bashing him, etc. Its not like he's exploding with rage, its more that we cannot have normal, functional easy resolution of small conflicts like healthily married couples. Things are either avoided completely or turn into arguments. As a result of the avoidance (my usual strategy) we are not as close as we could be, and I am always stressed when we have to deal with things that we have differences of opinion on. I am not planning on leaving as long as the kids are not affected and things dont get worse, but if I could go back in time, I probably would not have married him.

Did he behave the same way before marriage? In the first year of marriage?

[Anonymous]

Did he behave the same way before marriage? In the first year of marriage?

OP here, no, but to be fair, we were not together all that long before getting married and had a kid right away. So, I didn't know him well enough/long enough. I was mid 30s and ready to have a baby. The time pressure of that sucks.

In hindsight, I remember him telling me about a breakup he had with a girlfriend, and he characterized her as totally conflict avoidant and when he got angry with her, she essentially bolted. He made it seem as if she was really fragile and avoidant but he did mention that she felt he was haranguing her. I realize now exactly what she went through, but she ended it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Did he behave the same way before marriage? In the first year of marriage?

OP here, no, but to be fair, we were not together all that long before getting married and had a kid right away. So, I didn't know him well enough/long enough. I was mid 30s and ready to have a baby. The time pressure of that sucks.

In hindsight, I remember him telling me about a breakup he had with a girlfriend, and he characterized her as totally conflict avoidant and when he got angry with her, she essentially bolted. He made it seem as if she was really fragile and avoidant but he did mention that she felt he was haranguing her. I realize now exactly what she went through, but she ended it.

Why do all these people on this thread claim to be OP? OP already said she can't have children and never has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Did he behave the same way before marriage? In the first year of marriage?

OP here, no, but to be fair, we were not together all that long before getting married and had a kid right away. So, I didn't know him well enough/long enough. I was mid 30s and ready to have a baby. The time pressure of that sucks.

In hindsight, I remember him telling me about a breakup he had with a girlfriend, and he characterized her as totally conflict avoidant and when he got angry with her, she essentially bolted. He made it seem as if she was really fragile and avoidant but he did mention that she felt he was haranguing her. I realize now exactly what she went through, but she ended it.

Why do all these people on this thread claim to be OP? OP already said she can't have children and never has.

I'm the actual OP. I think that poster meant that she was the OP of the post that the person was referring to. She meant to refer to herself as 11:07.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread, and similar ones like it, really surprise me. I don't understand why growing a thicker skin is not an option for my husband. I have a low threshold for frustration, and yes, I have really upset him and the kids at times. I took anger management classes so am in better control but I basically think family members should deal with my anger when it happens. I deal with all the crap they throw out, which is just as bad.