My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

OP, A friend of mine married a very angry, OCD guy and he got SO much worse when babies arrived. Now she has to put her kids on a plane and send them to be with him for weeks at a time. She's not there to help protect them from his insanity. It's awful.

NO KIDS with this guy.

And you need a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are concerned with OTHER PEOPLE who are OUTSIDE of your marriage. You did not state that your husband actually abuses you in any specific way. You simply said that he lost his temper because he was under pressure. You are making this into a giant issue almost like you are having some anxiety attack and spinning this incident far into the future and it is making you feel helpless.

A few thoughts.

1. When I was in college I had a period where I would feel anxiety during tests and start thinking about all the consequences of my potential failure and it lead to me not being able to focus on the now and get finished with my tests. What you describe sounds similar in nature. That is an internal problem you need to fix.

2. How old is your husband? Is he attempting to advance his career, take care of bills at home, plan for the future, start a family? The reason I ask is that many men in their early years (20's and 30's) experience an insane amount of stress about being a provider for a family and they are overwhelmed. In effect they are at about 90% of their stress threshold most of the time and small things set them off. (Not necessarily justifying... but that is the way it is) This mellows out (for most) as they (1) get accustomed to being a provider (2) get the whole situation under control (i.e. build up some savings, get some debt paid off (school loads, cars) (3) reach a point in their career where they feel they have accomplished something.

3. I personally do not think that his losing his temper necessarily makes him an abuser. I'm sure there are those on this site who will disagree (but they also feel its ok to throw water in their husbands face... but he better not lose his temper).

4. There are those who will disagree... I really believe that one way to help diffuse his outbursts is to SIDE WITH HIM not other people. It will only add more stress to him if he thinks you are judging him. He already feels pressure about how he is providing things and if you pile on about his temper that's just going to give him one more thing to be stressed about. Just show him you are on his team.

5. I really don't expect you to really get what I've just explained. I also fully expect the DCUM crowed to really blast me.

Signed.... a guy that has mellowed out a lot from my early 20s who was known for his outbursts and now is known for his calmness in adverse situations.

This makes a lot of sense. I can't believe all the people who are calling this person an abuser for yelling for 15 seconds who then apologized. One person said they thought it was 15 minutes. That would be a sign of an abuser. My tolerance is a little higher than other people's though. I've definitely been around my parents getting angry at each other for 15 seconds while getting ready for a trip and thinking nothing of it. It sounds like you and he are depressed you can't have a child. I'd talk about that and how you'd deal with actually having a child instead of getting worked up about a very short incident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. As someone on the wrong side of 40s, I can fully appreciate how difficult the thought of starting over is. Maybe think about what is the most important thing in the world to you. Is it having a child? Having a loving and supportive relationship? I know both would be great, but sometimes we don't get all we want Start chipping away at your goal and ignoring everything else. That's my take on this.

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

You have described the cycle (and effects) of emotional abuse perfectly. What "little things" are you "nagging" him about? I am guessing that these are normal things (i.e. can you please not leave your socks on the floor? Can you please not leave a wet glass on our nice table without a coaster?), which in an emotionally healthy relationship, do not have any emotional attachment or responses tied to them. I'm just noting this to help you have perspective. I have been where you are, and it is hard to accept the truth -- this is emotional abuse. Now you may choose to live with it (because it isn't so bad, because it is infrequent, because ....), but don't fool yourself that this is anything other than emotional abuse.

How do you stop emotional abuse? Your husband will need to resolve the underlying fears inside of him regarding his need for control and fear of rejection. You cannot solve those for him.

What type of "daily meditation" is he doing? How long are his meditation sessions? What is the product of them? This information will provide helpful insights into how close or far he is from resolving the issues noted above.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like an abused woman. Making excuses, blaming yourself. You need to look in the mirror and find the person you once were. I feel so sad for you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Yeah all those athletes, coaches, random people that goes on tirade in the heat of the moment are abusive. What a bunch of angels we have here on dcum.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is abused. I think the misandrists are out in full swing tonight. So it's basically a typical night on the bitter relationship forums of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah all those athletes, coaches, random people that goes on tirade in the heat of the moment are abusive. What a bunch of angels we have here on dcum.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? I grew up with a father with anger issues and OPs post, while focused on a single short incident, contains serious red flags. Her DH didn't come downstairs and apologize ("sorry I lost my temper. I probably looked like a fool shouting out here. Let's try to put it behind us and have a great trip."). Instead he didn't speak to her for hours while they are in a car together. Those situations are filled with anxiety, fear, hurt, confusion, and simmering anger. It is not normal for that to go on for 2 hours.

[Anonymous]

The hugging and nice times are part of the cycle of abuse. Read Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" or Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That."

I lived through this type of behavior with my now ex husband. I made excuses, kept saying things would improve if only I was perfect enough or this or that stressor was gone. I had two kids with him, and the abuse escalated. I don't regret my kids, but I will be tied to him forever now as coparents.

Please get out now. You can have a kid on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. As someone on the wrong side of 40s, I can fully appreciate how difficult the thought of starting over is. Maybe think about what is the most important thing in the world to you. Is it having a child? Having a loving and supportive relationship? I know both would be great, but sometimes we don't get all we want Start chipping away at your goal and ignoring everything else. That's my take on this.

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

You're blaming yourself for his behavior. I don't know if it's abuse, but you should leave him if that is what he is normally like. He would be a scary father. If he gets in a crazy rage about small things like w computer, then he would likely be a thousand times worse sleep deprived around babies and small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

This is the depression talking. This is not how things will end up for you.

I'm so sorry OP. I would not have kids with this person. Kids, as wonderful as they are, will push you to your limits. I don't consider myself a person with anger issues and they will really push your buttons and push the boundaries and it takes a lot of self control and self awareness at times to stay calm. It's just a recipe for disaster for a person who already has anger issues.

I agree with all of this. Good luck, OP - wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

If people notice him ranting like a maniac in the halls, then that's more than getting angry for 15 seconds. Nothing wrong with getting angry about something. If how you handle it involves acting in ways that scare, embarrass, and upset your partner, then you need to find new ways to express your anger.

I get it, OP. My neighbors would look at me funny sometimes, and with pity, and keep their distance, because they'd often overhear my husband screaming and cursing. He didn't call me names or hit me, but he was horrible and frightening, and would use his outbursts to control me and keep me quiet. And that's emotional abuse. It took us both a long time and years of therapy to understand this and work on changing the dynamic--me to stop making excuses and putting up with it, and him to get at the roots of his issues and learn to manage his anger and emotions and behave appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op please don't let your fear of being alone prevent you from leaving this man.

You were embarrassed and you should have been. No one should be screamed and talked to like that. <...>

While I'm on board with "nobody should be screamed at," I fail to see why OP should be embarrassed. OP shouldn't pay so much attention to her neighbors, let alone be embarrassed about something she didn't do and had no control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

GET OUT NOW! It does not matter that you are 40. He will not get better and you will just get older. Dont even think of having a baby with this man.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

Getting out is the next step. Yes, he is very lucky to have found you and your condo. It is you who is not "lucky" This is classic abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people notice him ranting like a maniac in the halls, then that's more than getting angry for 15 seconds. Nothing wrong with getting angry about something. If how you handle it involves acting in ways that scare, embarrass, and upset your partner, then you need to find new ways to express your anger.

I get it, OP. My neighbors would look at me funny sometimes, and with pity, and keep their distance, because they'd often overhear my husband screaming and cursing. He didn't call me names or hit me, but he was horrible and frightening, and would use his outbursts to control me and keep me quiet. And that's emotional abuse. It took us both a long time and years of therapy to understand this and work on changing the dynamic--me to stop making excuses and putting up with it, and him to get at the roots of his issues and learn to manage his anger and emotions and behave appropriately.

It is also not the first time if the building manager was wondering whether to call the police. OP, you DH has a SERIOUS anger management problem at the very least. This is the result of daily meditation and your trips to a therapist? this is as far as you got?