My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP, that would embarrass the hell out of me as well and I couldn't live with that kind of behavior long term.

[Anonymous]

Oh, honey. Yes, this doesn't bode well. Do not have children with this man. If he is a hot pocket now, I can't imagine how he will manage the stress of children. My wife has anger issues and we have children and it's very difficult OP. She actually went to therapy to help her manage her anger, but I still go out of my way to avoid conflict and prevent her from exploding from the stress of the mundane parenting mishaps.

You have to make your choices. I'd leave, but that's because there are no kids and honestly if you want children the sooner you go the better (because you can find someone who does not have these anger issues).

[Anonymous]

This is not someone you want to have children with.

I'm not sure I'd want to stay married.

Please if you are not already get to a therapist for your depression and to help you think through your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey. Yes, this doesn't bode well. Do not have children with this man. If he is a hot pocket now, I can't imagine how he will manage the stress of children. My wife has anger issues and we have children and it's very difficult OP. She actually went to therapy to help her manage her anger, but I still go out of my way to avoid conflict and prevent her from exploding from the stress of the mundane parenting mishaps.

You have to make your choices. I'd leave, but that's because there are no kids and honestly if you want children the sooner you go the better (because you can find someone who does not have these anger issues).

I have to really agree with this. My dad was/is like your husband (old age is mellowing him out thank god) and I was always walking on eggshells around him when I was little. Even at 4 or 5, I was trying to manage his reactions and not piss him off.

If you get out now, you could still meet someone who you can have a healthy and happy family with. If you stay with your husband, you may end up with a family but it won't be happy and healthy, it will just be more people living their lives waiting for the next blow up.

[Anonymous]

OP, your entire rationale for staying with him has nothing to do with him. It's all fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of what's worse than being with him. You are controlled by fear.

What is the worst that could happen? You could be alone and NOT be embarrassed, harassed, and abused. Wow.

[Anonymous]

By the way, your neighbors don't think, they know.

[Anonymous]

Just because he has a short fuse and explosive temper doesn't mean he gets to scream at YOU. My DH gets hot fast and cools down fast, which I prefer to my personal type which is bottle it up and then let it burn and fester. He knows that if her takes any of it out on me, I will not let it go.

Do the two of you love each other? He needs to be more respectful towards you.

[Anonymous]

Everyone gets to express their frustration.

"Oh my god, today is such an awful day!"
"Screw this computer!"

Shouting at one's spouse is not expressing frustration. It's abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey. Yes, this doesn't bode well. Do not have children with this man. If he is a hot pocket now, I can't imagine how he will manage the stress of children. My wife has anger issues and we have children and it's very difficult OP. She actually went to therapy to help her manage her anger, but I still go out of my way to avoid conflict and prevent her from exploding from the stress of the mundane parenting mishaps.

You have to make your choices. I'd leave, but that's because there are no kids and honestly if you want children the sooner you go the better (because you can find someone who does not have these anger issues).

I have to really agree with this. My dad was/is like your husband (old age is mellowing him out thank god) and I was always walking on eggshells around him when I was little. Even at 4 or 5, I was trying to manage his reactions and not piss him off.

If you get out now, you could still meet someone who you can have a healthy and happy family with. If you stay with your husband, you may end up with a family but it won't be happy and healthy, it will just be more people living their lives waiting for the next blow up.

Also want to add, I had to spend a large part of my young adulthood unlearning the lessons I got from my dad on how to treat your loved ones. I still have problems dealing with and expressing anger appropriately because the model I saw growing up was scream your head off, throw a fit, stomp around, then go cool off after a while and never apologize.

[Anonymous]

I see a lot of red flags here.

Not only is your husband abusive, but he can't accept responsibility for his actions (It only lasted 15 seconds). Also, it's your fault that the abuse makes you unhappy and your unhappiness is unacceptable too (he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife). So basically, you not only have to take abuse, you have to smile about it.

Is that how you want to live, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone gets to express their frustration.

"Oh my god, today is such an awful day!"
"Screw this computer!"

Shouting at one's spouse is not expressing frustration. It's abuse.

EXACTLY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, honey. Yes, this doesn't bode well. Do not have children with this man. If he is a hot pocket now, I can't imagine how he will manage the stress of children. My wife has anger issues and we have children and it's very difficult OP. She actually went to therapy to help her manage her anger, but I still go out of my way to avoid conflict and prevent her from exploding from the stress of the mundane parenting mishaps.

You have to make your choices. I'd leave, but that's because there are no kids and honestly if you want children the sooner you go the better (because you can find someone who does not have these anger issues).

I have to really agree with this. My dad was/is like your husband (old age is mellowing him out thank god) and I was always walking on eggshells around him when I was little. Even at 4 or 5, I was trying to manage his reactions and not piss him off.

If you get out now, you could still meet someone who you can have a healthy and happy family with. If you stay with your husband, you may end up with a family but it won't be happy and healthy, it will just be more people living their lives waiting for the next blow up.

Also want to add, I had to spend a large part of my young adulthood unlearning the lessons I got from my dad on how to treat your loved ones. I still have problems dealing with and expressing anger appropriately because the model I saw growing up was scream your head off, throw a fit, stomp around, then go cool off after a while and never apologize.

+1

Or you apologize but get angry when others don't accept, because after all, it was only 15 seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

This is the depression talking. This is not how things will end up for you.

I'm so sorry OP. I would not have kids with this person. Kids, as wonderful as they are, will push you to your limits. I don't consider myself a person with anger issues and they will really push your buttons and push the boundaries and it takes a lot of self control and self awareness at times to stay calm. It's just a recipe for disaster for a person who already has anger issues.

[Anonymous]

You are concerned with OTHER PEOPLE who are OUTSIDE of your marriage. You did not state that your husband actually abuses you in any specific way. You simply said that he lost his temper because he was under pressure. You are making this into a giant issue almost like you are having some anxiety attack and spinning this incident far into the future and it is making you feel helpless.

A few thoughts.

1. When I was in college I had a period where I would feel anxiety during tests and start thinking about all the consequences of my potential failure and it lead to me not being able to focus on the now and get finished with my tests. What you describe sounds similar in nature. That is an internal problem you need to fix.

2. How old is your husband? Is he attempting to advance his career, take care of bills at home, plan for the future, start a family? The reason I ask is that many men in their early years (20's and 30's) experience an insane amount of stress about being a provider for a family and they are overwhelmed. In effect they are at about 90% of their stress threshold most of the time and small things set them off. (Not necessarily justifying... but that is the way it is) This mellows out (for most) as they (1) get accustomed to being a provider (2) get the whole situation under control (i.e. build up some savings, get some debt paid off (school loads, cars) (3) reach a point in their career where they feel they have accomplished something.

3. I personally do not think that his losing his temper necessarily makes him an abuser. I'm sure there are those on this site who will disagree (but they also feel its ok to throw water in their husbands face... but he better not lose his temper).

4. There are those who will disagree... I really believe that one way to help diffuse his outbursts is to SIDE WITH HIM not other people. It will only add more stress to him if he thinks you are judging him. He already feels pressure about how he is providing things and if you pile on about his temper that's just going to give him one more thing to be stressed about. Just show him you are on his team.

5. I really don't expect you to really get what I've just explained. I also fully expect the DCUM crowed to really blast me.

Signed.... a guy that has mellowed out a lot from my early 20s who was known for his outbursts and now is known for his calmness in adverse situations.