My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah all those athletes, coaches, random people that goes on tirade in the heat of the moment are abusive. What a bunch of angels we have here on dcum.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? I grew up with a father with anger issues and OPs post, while focused on a single short incident, contains serious red flags. Her DH didn't come downstairs and apologize ("sorry I lost my temper. I probably looked like a fool shouting out here. Let's try to put it behind us and have a great trip."). Instead he didn't speak to her for hours while they are in a car together. Those situations are filled with anxiety, fear, hurt, confusion, and simmering anger. It is not normal for that to go on for 2 hours.

So if my husband doesn't talk to me for one or two days after I've had an angry outburst we are both not normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread, and similar ones like it, really surprise me. I don't understand why growing a thicker skin is not an option for my husband. I have a low threshold for frustration, and yes, I have really upset him and the kids at times. I took anger management classes so am in better control but I basically think family members should deal with my anger when it happens. I deal with all the crap they throw out, which is just as bad.

Read the previous posts from people that grew up with parents that behaved this way. It isn't pretty and it causes a lot of damage.

[Anonymous]

Wow, ladies, your husbands must all be pretty close to perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread, and similar ones like it, really surprise me. I don't understand why growing a thicker skin is not an option for my husband. I have a low threshold for frustration, and yes, I have really upset him and the kids at times. I took anger management classes so am in better control but I basically think family members should deal with my anger when it happens. I deal with all the crap they throw out, which is just as bad.

Read the previous posts from people that grew up with parents that behaved this way. It isn't pretty and it causes a lot of damage.

I had a mother with anger problems. What damage does it cause? It caused me to have a thicker skin than I would otherwise, and to know anger is temporary and doesn't mean anything.

[Anonymous]

Since a lot of you make excuses for your husband's behavior, let me break it down for you in simpler terms

A true loving husband does not humiliate you in public or in private

A true loving husband does not make you feel sick to your stomach when he's around

A true loving husband helps his wife and thanks her often

A true loving husband does not behave like a child

A true loving husband does not make his kids have severe anxiety

If the above is your life, you need to find another one. Do it for yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP from 9:12 and 10:20

OP
I realize the damage is done and it might help if you also go to counseling for it. This is why I changed I didn't have a clue that it can be this destructive even w/o physical abuse.

I feel for you I hope your hubby would change before it gets any worst. He know it bothers you but to what extent I don't think he understand that yet.

Did you tell him- does he know -how just seeing the signs, body language, facial expression triggers something in you? If he doesn't I think it's important that he should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm the PP from 9:12 and 10:20

OP
I realize the damage is done and it might help if you also go to counseling for it. This is why I changed I didn't have a clue that it can be this destructive even w/o physical abuse.

I feel for you I hope your hubby would change before it gets any worst. He know it bothers you but to what extent I don't think he understand that yet.

Did you tell him- does he know -how just seeing the signs, body language, facial expression triggers something in you? If he doesn't I think it's important that he should.

I have explained and expressed it to him and clearly as any person could. I am a good communicator. But he (a) proudly defines himself as a good person - admitting the severity of the actions would require him to alter his self-view, and I believe that is frightening and painful for him; and (b) I think maybe grew up in a home where this was normal. I'm not sure about that, but that kind of "passion" doesn't seem to faze him. And he has no sisters so it's easy for him to dismiss my reaction as "sensitivity."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think part of the problem between us is that this behavior set the tone for our relationship early on, and even though it happens so much less now than it did then, I am still always a little bit on edge, waiting for the next thunderclap. Even if it's been months since the last one.

That is not OK. That is NOT how you have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since a lot of you make excuses for your husband's behavior, let me break it down for you in simpler terms

A true loving husband does not humiliate you in public or in private

A true loving husband does not make you feel sick to your stomach when he's around

A true loving husband helps his wife and thanks her often

A true loving husband does not behave like a child

A true loving husband does not make his kids have severe anxiety

If the above is your life, you need to find another one. Do it for yourself and your kids.

I humbly disagree. Some guys including myself have a short fuse and vent differently than some. To say we don't love, appreciate our wife is false. Am I proud of what I did? NO.
Some of us are lucky enough to catch it before it get worst and some dont.

Unfortunately some women can tolerate this kind of behaviour and some can't to the point it would take therapy. Everybody has a threshold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm the PP from 9:12 and 10:20

OP
I realize the damage is done and it might help if you also go to counseling for it. This is why I changed I didn't have a clue that it can be this destructive even w/o physical abuse.

I feel for you I hope your hubby would change before it gets any worst. He know it bothers you but to what extent I don't think he understand that yet.

Did you tell him- does he know -how just seeing the signs, body language, facial expression triggers something in you? If he doesn't I think it's important that he should.

I have explained and expressed it to him and clearly as any person could. I am a good communicator. But he (a) proudly defines himself as a good person - admitting the severity of the actions would require him to alter his self-view, and I believe that is frightening and painful for him; and (b) I think maybe grew up in a home where this was normal. I'm not sure about that, but that kind of "passion" doesn't seem to faze him. And he has no sisters so it's easy for him to dismiss my reaction as "sensitivity."

I don't know what else to say. I didn't have any sisters either is probably why I was clueless. But my real turning point was when I saw a good friend of mine acting like me and your dh towards his wife.

It was surreal watching that behaviour from the outside. I actually thought my friend was a "dick" then I quickly realized Im just like him. It was an eye opener for sure.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm the PP from 9:12 and 10:20

OP
I realize the damage is done and it might help if you also go to counseling for it. This is why I changed I didn't have a clue that it can be this destructive even w/o physical abuse.

I feel for you I hope your hubby would change before it gets any worst. He know it bothers you but to what extent I don't think he understand that yet.

Did you tell him- does he know -how just seeing the signs, body language, facial expression triggers something in you? If he doesn't I think it's important that he should.

I have explained and expressed it to him and clearly as any person could. I am a good communicator. But he (a) proudly defines himself as a good person - admitting the severity of the actions would require him to alter his self-view, and I believe that is frightening and painful for him; and (b) I think maybe grew up in a home where this was normal. I'm not sure about that, but that kind of "passion" doesn't seem to faze him. And he has no sisters so it's easy for him to dismiss my reaction as "sensitivity."

I don't know what else to say. I didn't have any sisters either is probably why I was clueless. But my real turning point was when I saw a good friend of mine acting like me and your dh towards his wife.

It was surreal watching that behaviour from the outside. I actually thought my friend was a "dick" then I quickly realized Im just like him. It was an eye opener for sure.
Good luck.

OP here - I keep wishing he would witness something like this. I told him, "If you had seen this happening with another couple, you would have thought that woman was being abused."

One time he was yelling while we were in the car and I recorded it on my phone. Some time later, when he was calm, I played it back for him. He was mortified and it was a real turning point for him to start dealing with the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm the PP from 9:12 and 10:20

OP
I realize the damage is done and it might help if you also go to counseling for it. This is why I changed I didn't have a clue that it can be this destructive even w/o physical abuse.

I feel for you I hope your hubby would change before it gets any worst. He know it bothers you but to what extent I don't think he understand that yet.

Did you tell him- does he know -how just seeing the signs, body language, facial expression triggers something in you? If he doesn't I think it's important that he should.

I have explained and expressed it to him and clearly as any person could. I am a good communicator. But he (a) proudly defines himself as a good person - admitting the severity of the actions would require him to alter his self-view, and I believe that is frightening and painful for him; and (b) I think maybe grew up in a home where this was normal. I'm not sure about that, but that kind of "passion" doesn't seem to faze him. And he has no sisters so it's easy for him to dismiss my reaction as "sensitivity."

I don't know what else to say. I didn't have any sisters either is probably why I was clueless. But my real turning point was when I saw a good friend of mine acting like me and your dh towards his wife.

It was surreal watching that behaviour from the outside. I actually thought my friend was a "dick" then I quickly realized Im just like him. It was an eye opener for sure.
Good luck.

OP here - I keep wishing he would witness something like this. I told him, "If you had seen this happening with another couple, you would have thought that woman was being abused."

One time he was yelling while we were in the car and I recorded it on my phone. Some time later, when he was calm, I played it back for him. He was mortified and it was a real turning point for him to start dealing with the problem.

I've often thought about doing this with my dad, who sounds eerily similar to your DH. He escalates to the point of high pitched screaming and spitting, but if you tell him to stop screaming, he says, "I'm not screaming!" He honestly just doesn't even see it. It's unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, ladies, your husbands must all be pretty close to perfect.

No, not perfect. There are many options between perfect and psychotic outbursts.

It is difficult for me to understand the need so many people have to raise their voices. As if it accomplishes something. I can't stand it.

[Anonymous]

Whenever you have to say "but" you know that you are making an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah all those athletes, coaches, random people that goes on tirade in the heat of the moment are abusive. What a bunch of angels we have here on dcum.

Have you been in an emotionally abusive relationship? I grew up with a father with anger issues and OPs post, while focused on a single short incident, contains serious red flags. Her DH didn't come downstairs and apologize ("sorry I lost my temper. I probably looked like a fool shouting out here. Let's try to put it behind us and have a great trip."). Instead he didn't speak to her for hours while they are in a car together. Those situations are filled with anxiety, fear, hurt, confusion, and simmering anger. It is not normal for that to go on for 2 hours.

So if my husband doesn't talk to me for one or two days after I've had an angry outburst we are both not normal?

Normal is a fuzzy concept. I hope your angry outbursts and his silent treatment don't happen often. It's a tough way to live.