My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

OP, I was married to a guy just like this. I said "well at least he doesn't hit me, he ONLY has a temper problem" until one day he threw a phone in frustration and it hit me in the face.

I left the next day.

It was hard, he begged me for months to come back. But, I was alone. It was very scary.

Flash forward - I met a great man (he's not perfect, but neither am I) and we have a daughter.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The universe may be giving you a gift of no children right now so that you aren't stuck with him. Get out. Focus on yourself and being a good person. Your life will improve and you can be happy!

I was thinking this too. And as another PP mentioned, seems like the reasons you give for staying with him are fear based- fear of being alone, fear of not having kids, fear of starting over. Try to make decisions based on love, not fear (includes love for yourself and any future children).
I feel for you, OP. I was in a similar situation a little over a decade ago. You have my thoughts and prayers. Best to you.

OP here - how did it work out for you?

Remarried after four years to a wonderful man and now with two great kids. I realize looking back that not being able to conceive with husband number one was a big blessing.

[Anonymous]

I have a very quick temper and say things i did not really mean. The first time i exploded, i thought he was going to die of fear and apprehension. The next time i exploded, he laughed and hugged me. I loved it and still do but for some reason i do not get that angry as often as before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very quick temper and say things i did not really mean. The first time i exploded, i thought he was going to die of fear and apprehension. The next time i exploded, he laughed and hugged me. I loved it and still do but for some reason i do not get that angry as often as before.

[Anonymous]

That's part of it, and he's gotten better about that, but when I start to see it building - his body tenses, his movements become "jerky" and he purses his lips and starts huffing a bit - I'm already upset. I'm like Pavlov's dog - at the first sign of trouble I'm already going to pieces already. I have not felt emotionally safe with him for so long I don't know if that can ever be fixed.

This tells you all you need to know.

My husband has occasionally become overly heated (not in public, and it is mild compared to what you've described). But when that happens, I do not feel safe. Maybe that means I have a thin skin or problems of my own. But it feels absolutely awful not to feel emotionally safe in your own home. In my case, I only feel unsafe while he is upset. But afterwards, I do feel a lingering sense of trauma and nurse my wounds a bit. Then life is back to normal. In your case, it seems that your sense of not feeling emotionally safe is your constant state, and that sounds extremely stressful and unhealthy.

I have said on numerous times to my husband, during or after the time that his voice is raised, that the only thing that matters to me in our relationship is to feel safe in my own home. He is always supremely surprised when I express that, because we both know that he would never do anything to jeopardize my actual safety. But I think he really doesn't realize how angry and sometimes mean he comes across (briefly) when he is upset. I think that, over time, my calm repetition of my need to feel safe has made a difference.

But if you doubt that your lack of emotional safety cannot be fixed, then really, what is the point? How is that a relationship worth attempting to rescue?

Regarding the future: I agree with the others who commented that you are being ruled by fear. Can you brainstorm how you might be able to make a go of being a single parent (through adoption)... Do you have friends or family who could provide some support, for instance? Could you find some single mothers online and discuss with them how they make it work? Rather than remaining frozen in fear, can you start to explore positive possibilities for the future?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, PP here - in second to last paragraph, I meant to type this:
"But if you doubt that your lack of emotional safety CAN be fixed" or "But if you THINK that your lack of emotional safety cannot be fixed..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That's part of it, and he's gotten better about that, but when I start to see it building - his body tenses, his movements become "jerky" and he purses his lips and starts huffing a bit - I'm already upset. I'm like Pavlov's dog - at the first sign of trouble I'm already going to pieces already. I have not felt emotionally safe with him for so long I don't know if that can ever be fixed.

This tells you all you need to know.

My husband has occasionally become overly heated (not in public, and it is mild compared to what you've described). But when that happens, I do not feel safe. Maybe that means I have a thin skin or problems of my own. But it feels absolutely awful not to feel emotionally safe in your own home. In my case, I only feel unsafe while he is upset. But afterwards, I do feel a lingering sense of trauma and nurse my wounds a bit. Then life is back to normal. In your case, it seems that your sense of not feeling emotionally safe is your constant state, and that sounds extremely stressful and unhealthy.

I have said on numerous times to my husband, during or after the time that his voice is raised, that the only thing that matters to me in our relationship is to feel safe in my own home. He is always supremely surprised when I express that, because we both know that he would never do anything to jeopardize my actual safety. But I think he really doesn't realize how angry and sometimes mean he comes across (briefly) when he is upset. I think that, over time, my calm repetition of my need to feel safe has made a difference.

But if you doubt that your lack of emotional safety cannot be fixed, then really, what is the point? How is that a relationship worth attempting to rescue?

Regarding the future: I agree with the others who commented that you are being ruled by fear. Can you brainstorm how you might be able to make a go of being a single parent (through adoption)... Do you have friends or family who could provide some support, for instance? Could you find some single mothers online and discuss with them how they make it work? Rather than remaining frozen in fear, can you start to explore positive possibilities for the future?

I have a great family, but my parents are aging and I don't think I'm financially secure enough on my own to make it work with a child. I earn enough to take care of myself, that's really it. (I mean, I could make it work, but it would be tough.)

[Anonymous]

OP, I was at dinner with a friend, her DH and kids and my kids. My DH was out of town. Kids were are one end of table, adults the other end. Kids were making silly faces and laughing. Friends DH freaked out and started shaking the table while telling kids to "stop!" Through clenched teeth. My kids were terrified, I was extremely uncomfortable, friend and her family were unphased.

Kids and I talked about in the way home in our car. Kids said he scared them. They felt bad for the other kids and the mom. I edited a few weeks and then told friend how awkward the situation was for my family. And how her DH seemed to have an issue with anger. Remember kids were making faces at each other and laughing! This is what caused his reaction. She told me they raise their kids strict-so do I- and that maybe we shouldn't fine out as families. No problem. We are still great friends.

Fast forward 5 years. Dad get annoyed with kids a deuce while dining out. He sucker punches not, Beatles hike and screams at the wife. No reaction for others nearby and family goes on as usual. Friend tells me about this incident. She's mortified! She consults attorney. 2 years later and still the same. Kids act out in all kinds of ways. They verbally and physically fight - the kids. Mm is aware yet in denial.

Moral: don't become my friend. Get out! Now!

[Anonymous]

If you love children so much, why would you bring one into this household? Wishful thinking t believe that your H would change for the better under the tremendously stress of a baby. Even great marriages suffer during the first few years of raising a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was at dinner with a friend, her DH and kids and my kids. My DH was out of town. Kids were are one end of table, adults the other end. Kids were making silly faces and laughing. Friends DH freaked out and started shaking the table while telling kids to "stop!" Through clenched teeth. My kids were terrified, I was extremely uncomfortable, friend and her family were unphased.

Kids and I talked about in the way home in our car. Kids said he scared them. They felt bad for the other kids and the mom. I edited a few weeks and then told friend how awkward the situation was for my family. And how her DH seemed to have an issue with anger. Remember kids were making faces at each other and laughing! This is what caused his reaction. She told me they raise their kids strict-so do I- and that maybe we shouldn't fine out as families. No problem. We are still great friends.

Fast forward 5 years. Dad get annoyed with kids a deuce while dining out. He sucker punches not, Beatles hike and screams at the wife. No reaction for others nearby and family goes on as usual. Friend tells me about this incident. She's mortified! She consults attorney. 2 years later and still the same. Kids act out in all kinds of ways. They verbally and physically fight - the kids. Mm is aware yet in denial.

Moral: don't become my friend. Get out! Now!

I spoke up to a friend, too. Her DH only became worse and worse. She made a million excuses for him. It is hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Fast forward 5 years. Dad get annoyed with kids a deuce while dining out. He sucker punches not, Beatles hike and screams at the wife. No reaction for others nearby and family goes on as usual. Friend tells me about this incident. She's mortified! She consults attorney. 2 years later and still the same. Kids act out in all kinds of ways. They verbally and physically fight - the kids. Mm is aware yet in denial.

Moral: don't become my friend. Get out! Now!

What? I don't understand. Sucker punches not? Beatles hike?

[Anonymous]

Please, please, please get out now. Take it from someone who knows what they are talking about. Get out now!

[Anonymous]

The OP posted something very worrisome late last night but now that post is no longer in this thread. Feeling very worried for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP posted something very worrisome late last night but now that post is no longer in this thread. Feeling very worried for her.

It got deleted it wasn't the OP that posted it claiming about a beat down.

[Anonymous]

Whew, I hope that is the case. Thanks.