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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.[/quote]

this husband of yours is a geniius, he has major anger, insecruity and mental health issues and has convinced you that YOU are to blame.  this is classic abuse.    As I tell my 3 year old, "you are allowed to feel anythign you want, but you are NOT allowed to act out anyway you want"- we all deal with stress and insecrutiy. My DH has never screamed at me and maybe raised his voice at me or our kid less than 5 times. Its so shocking when he does to to my 3 year old she instantly starts crying.   He would never try to intimidate or berate us.  He can feel all the rage he wants, but he is an adult and he better keep that shit inside until he as an appropriate outlet for. Me and the kid are not that outlet. He knows that.  Please OP, at least go for a trial separation. you have no idea how stressful a kid is. And I also had a baby at 40 via IVF.  it was pricey and stressful but honestly it made us closer. At the end of the day we see each other as support.  [/quote]

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