My neighbors think I'm an abused wife

[Anonymous]

OP, I was involved in an abusive relationship many years ago. I remember early on, having to sit in the passenger seat of the car, pulled over onto the shoulder of the highway, and being screamed -- SCREAMED -- at while traffic whizzed by. I thought, I need to get out. But we were on the road for a weekend away, and by the time we got back, it had passed.

Still can't believe I didn't get out right then. Get out while you can, OP, and DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. You already know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The biggest red flag is that you don't realize that you're being abused. This is emotional abuse. He screamed and ranted for 15 minutes about packing a car? No one should ever scream at you like this. Please get out now. You won't be single forever, I promise.

I wonder what makes people say that. As if they know. I personally think OP has a healthy way of looking at it. She's evaluating getting out v. being alone. Not getting out v. meeting someone fabulous which may or may not happen.

Being alone is a thousand times more worthwhile than being abused. How in the world can you possibly do a cost benefit analysis of being abused?

I was asking about reassuring OP that she will definitely meet someone better. Please re-read if you bother to respond.

I read what you said -- you said "I personally think OP has a healthy way of looking at it. She's evaluating getting out v. being alone. Not getting out v. meeting someone fabulous...."

I repeat: how can you possibly do an analysis weighing being abused vs. the alternatives?

First, I don't know if OP is abused. I cannot possibly make that determination, and I will pay good bucks for your crystal ball if you agree to sell.

Second, let me repeat my question: Why do promise OP she will not stay single forever? Many women do after divorce. Again, I don't know what side of statistics OP will land on. Apparently, you do. I am curious how, please elaborate.

[Anonymous]

I have no idea if OP will stay single. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. I don't have a crystal ball either. I never made any such prediction.

I'll repeat my point for the third time: It's not "healthy" to ponder whether it's better to stay in an abusive relationship versus whether it's better to be alone. Are you kidding me????

[Anonymous]

OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea if OP will stay single. Maybe she will and maybe she won't. I don't have a crystal ball either. I never made any such prediction.

I'll repeat my point for the third time: It's not "healthy" to ponder whether it's better to stay in an abusive relationship versus whether it's better to be alone. Are you kidding me????

And I'll repeat my point again: You don't know how (if any) abusive the relationship is. If OP stays in the relationship, she deems the relationship (whatever it is) better than being alone.

No, it is not healthy to get divorced in order to meet someone better. I'm sure it does happen, but it's rare. Most people are forced to learn being content singles before they even contemplate a new relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, my sister was in a very similar situation. She finally had a mental breakdown and ran away. She had a few hard years but now she is remarried and has two children (she had multiple miscarriages in her first marriage-- I'm no doctor but I think stress played some role). She laments the ten years she spent in the first marriage.
I say all of this just to let you know - you can do it. You can get away and start over. It will be better to start over from here than in ten years. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

OP thanks for the update. Yeah, I am going to have to say the issue is bigger than you. Adults shouldn't rage. Period. If you can't control your emotions enough to not go into a cursing fit when the computer isn't working, you are not going to handle toddler-hood too well.

OP, I think the issue you have is that you don't have time on your side. Honestly, it would be easier and less stressful to parent alone than to either be locked into co-parenting with your husband (where your child would be stuck alone with your husband) or staying married for the sake of protecting your child from his outburst.

This may not be "abuse" in the typical sense, but it is reflective of someone who when faced with life's ordinary struggles loses his shit. That's not good, OP. And would be the main reason why I would start setting the stage to make a quiet and safe exit.

[Anonymous]

OP, hugs. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. As someone on the wrong side of 40s, I can fully appreciate how difficult the thought of starting over is. Maybe think about what is the most important thing in the world to you. Is it having a child? Having a loving and supportive relationship? I know both would be great, but sometimes we don't get all we want Start chipping away at your goal and ignoring everything else. That's my take on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

OP thanks for the update. Yeah, I am going to have to say the issue is bigger than you. Adults shouldn't rage. Period. If you can't control your emotions enough to not go into a cursing fit when the computer isn't working, you are not going to handle toddler-hood too well.

OP, I think the issue you have is that you don't have time on your side. Honestly, it would be easier and less stressful to parent alone than to either be locked into co-parenting with your husband (where your child would be stuck alone with your husband) or staying married for the sake of protecting your child from his outburst.

This may not be "abuse" in the typical sense, but it is reflective of someone who when faced with life's ordinary struggles loses his shit. That's not good, OP. And would be the main reason why I would start setting the stage to make a quiet and safe exit.

Unfortunately not everyone is at the same level on the maturity continuum. OP's husband may or may not be a truly bad person. We really don't know. He may learn to deal with life's ordinary struggles better... he may not. My guess is that right now he feels that everything is a house of cards. The ability to deal with "life's ordinary struggles" is a muscle and it gets stronger as we exercise it.

If OP thinks he is truly a bad guy then she should get out and be single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

OP thanks for the update. Yeah, I am going to have to say the issue is bigger than you. Adults shouldn't rage. Period. If you can't control your emotions enough to not go into a cursing fit when the computer isn't working, you are not going to handle toddler-hood too well.

OP, I think the issue you have is that you don't have time on your side. Honestly, it would be easier and less stressful to parent alone than to either be locked into co-parenting with your husband (where your child would be stuck alone with your husband) or staying married for the sake of protecting your child from his outburst.

This may not be "abuse" in the typical sense, but it is reflective of someone who when faced with life's ordinary struggles loses his shit. That's not good, OP. And would be the main reason why I would start setting the stage to make a quiet and safe exit.

OP here - you are right about this.

I also meant to say - and I'm not making excuses, just to flesh out the explanation further - that this used to happen much more frequently. He has been meditating daily and it happens very seldom now. Again - not trying to talk my way out of the reality of this situation. I just want to be clear that he IS trying, and it IS making a difference.

When I used the word abuse over the weekend, my husband was so deeply hurt. He cannot bear to look at himself that way. He has a big heart. He doesn't see the difference between a good person and a nice person.

Also, I am not a total innocent in our relationship. I mean, I'm a good person too, and most of the time a nice person too, I think. But I do nag him about little stuff. We live in the condo that I have owned for a long time, and I have been a lot less flexible about sharing my stuff than he has. In a lot of ways, he's very easygoing and generous.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know what you have to do. You only have one life - are you going to spend it with an abusive person? He IS abusive, and you deserve better!

Is it really so hard to accept that you made a mistake and need to leave this man?

Why would that mean you cannot have a child? You are very lucky to not have children with this man, actually, but you can have biological or non-bio kids alone or with someone else.

Why would leaving mean that you are alone for the rest of your life? You know you can't predict this. You need to have hope, OP. My concern is that you're going to pick someone just like him, so do a little soul-searching after you divorce.

Come on, you can do this.

[Anonymous]

This will only get worse. You have no kids so are in the perfect situation to move on if that's what you want. I wouldn't stay with him out of fear of being alone.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a father with an anger management problem. Please do not have children with this man.

I grew up terrified of my father. As in, I would cry if I had to be home alone with him. Up until my early 20's, if any older man (teacher, boss, etc.) got angry at me, I'd get tears in my eyes and do the Silent Cry. I couldn't help it - I assumed there was so much anger behind their yelling and that they were just as angry as my father always was.

My father mellowed around the age of 60. For him. He still yells at my mother in restaurants and other public places.

A few years ago my father got so angry at my mother while we were in the car, that he expressed his anger by shooting forward, then slamming on the brakes, and I had a panic attack for the only time in my life.

PLEASE do NOT have children with a man like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. As someone on the wrong side of 40s, I can fully appreciate how difficult the thought of starting over is. Maybe think about what is the most important thing in the world to you. Is it having a child? Having a loving and supportive relationship? I know both would be great, but sometimes we don't get all we want Start chipping away at your goal and ignoring everything else. That's my take on this.

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is out to get him... OP, no one is perfect, no life is perfect. We all live with our shortcomings.