Is silence the answer here? What would you say?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
You should find it VERY enlightening that you know of many people who hold on to grudges. That truly ought to tell you something about yourself. Please think on that. |
Anonymous
The key fact her is that OP and this other person were friends. I feel differently if you are talking about a neighbor or coworker, where yes, people can see things differently and no one is "right" or "wrong." In those situations, it's definitely better for people to simply move on and accept you don't see eye to eye. In those sorts of relationships, sometimes you have to swallow hurt feelings or at least accept the other person is never going to care about them. A friendship is different. Yes, in a friendship, if there is something a person is expected to look past, forget, or let go of, then that means there was some kind of transgression. Also, if you feel like you don't understand why the person is mad or that they haven't explained it, ASK. If the knee jerk reaction is "whatever, it's nothing, they should get over it" instead of "wow my friend is really upset with me and I don't really even understand why," then you are part of the problem. It means you don't really care enough about their happiness or your relationship to have a conversation about it. In which case it's not a grudge for them to hold it against you. It's self-protection and likely the dawning realization for them that a person they thought was a friend doesn't really care about them at all. |
Anonymous
If your close friend tells you that they were deeply hurt by something you did, you apologize and try to make amends. You don't double down, gaslight, and tell them to get over it. Unless you're a terrible person, that is. |
Anonymous
| Obviously this person takes up a ton of real estate in your mind. I personally wouldn’t like to live that way and would allow your friend to make amends. Cutting people off because you feel disrespected?? Eh! Hear what she has to say. Give her a chance. Life is short and I wouldn’t want to be planning my life around another person like you are currently. |
Anonymous
This. You are avoiding events that you want to attend. Have the conversation so you can just be normal acquaintances. You don’t have to go back to being besties. You don’t have to agree with her. Move on! |
Anonymous
But what if the friend doesn't want to make amends. This happened to me. A friend hurt me badly, I told her why her words/actions had hurt me, and she shrugged it off and told me it was my problem. I chose to withdraw from the friendship after that, and when she realized what that meant for her, she did something similar to what OP's former friend did -- reached out with a non-apology and "can't you just forget about it and move on." No amends. When I pressed for them, she just dug back in on her original approach -- that didn't happen, or if it did it's your fault for misunderstanding, and anyway it wasn't a big deal. Amends aren't being offered here. OP's option is to sustain a "friendship" with someone who doesn't value OP's feelings or experiences, or to end the friendship and deal with the awkwardness. Either way, OP will wind up devoting mental real estate to this person, because that's what happens when you feel hurt by someone you are close to and realize they don't care. It's the same reason people sometimes take time to get over a breakup or a job loss. It's interesting to think about if OP wasn't talking about a friend but a significant other. Like imagine this is a boyfriend instead. He said or did something that hurt OP, and when she told him about it, he shrugged it off and said he was justified. So OP hit the eject button on their relationship and starts avoiding him, and now he's reaching out and saying "are you over this yet? I miss you." What would your advice be to OP in that situation? I guarantee it wouldn't be "get back together with him, he seems sorry enough." |
Anonymous
But the friend doesn't want to have a conversation. They want OP to "get over it" and pretend it didn't happen. OP can't do that. I'm sure some people can. But I'm like OP -- if someone I'm friends with hurts me and doesn't give a damn, I cannot just pretend. I want that person out of my life, even if it means I don't hang out with the same group anymore. I personally need to have people around me who are more respectful of my feelings than that. Everyone is different. |
Anonymous
You are rearranging your life around this person, so obviously they mean something to you. Do you want to keep living like that? Do you want to be friends again? Or do you want them out of your life? Be honest about what you want and go from there. Silence means continuing. Reaching out means trying to establish friendship. Telling them never to contact you again means ending the relationship — which would allow you to tell everyone that you are no longer friends with this person so that logistics can be made much easier. |
Anonymous
OP hasn't posted in a while, but I don't not knowing what she wants is the issue. It's more dealing with knowing what she wants. She wants a friend who respects her enough to care that she was hurt. But she can't have that. So she's chosen the least worst option, which is to distance herself from that person and try to deal with the emotional fallout that's causing. I don't think ending the friendship is going to make anything easier if they have mutual friends. It's going to be messy and in the long run, if OP is hurt enough to not want to be around this person and the person persists in their belief that they've done nothing wrong and OP is overreacting, people will be forced to choose sides. From experience, I know how much that sucks. Everyone has their own perspective on stuff like this, but if I were in their friend group, I'd land with OP. Because I, too, am a deeply feeling person and I can better understand OP's hurt than the position of someone who caused that hurt but doesn't care enough to try and make amends. There are definitely people who will view OP as "causing drama" and "refusing to let it go" or, like others in this thread, decide it's up to them to decide whether OP deserves to feel hurt. The situation sucks. |
Anonymous
| OP, I’d respond with a brief but direct message saying, “When you [whatever it was], you hurt me and made me feel disrespected, as I told you then. I appreciate that you reached out, but you continue to disregard my feelings and not apologize for what you [did/said]. It’s not about me ‘getting over it’ but rather me not wanting to be around someone who is willing to hurt me/disrespect me without apology. I wish you well.” |
Anonymous
Agree with this even though I would bet "I wish you well" is a stretch if not an outright lie. Having been in OP's position, I did NOT wish that person well. I wished that they would experience something awful and then be told by a friend "it doesn't matter, actually it's good" so they knew how I felt. Petty? Sure. But also real. It is classier to say "I wish you well" though, even if it's a lie. |
Anonymous
Good lord... NO, it's not either of those things. Lose the therapyspeak and learn how to have a simple conflict with a so-called friend without elevating it to abuse and the corresponding language. Some of you need drama to function and it's gross. |
Anonymous
This. Apologizing for what you did is one thing, but apologizing for someone's feelings is nonsense. This really does depend on the "offense". If you didn't like what someone wore to a party, nobody owes you an apology. If you didn't like that they slept with "your" man at the party, they very much do. Expecting an apology just because you're offended is immature. You get to feel how you feel, and your feelings are your responsibility. Nobody owes you an apology for how you feel, only for what they did/failed to do that led to those feelings, if applicable. OP is trolling, hard, as one-sided posts like this are always designed to elicit support for the OP. Absent the actual facts, it's impossible to determine if OP is worth supporting. OP may be overreacting, or petty, or perfectly justified. The open nature of this post doesn't ask for actual feedback, just side-taking and bait. |
Anonymous
Nah, it’s better to keep them un responded to and guessing. Or block and ignore. |
Anonymous
But she doesn't, so why would she say that? |