Is silence the answer here? What would you say?

[Anonymous]

Months ago I stopped speaking to someone I had been close to for a long time. There was a significant incident that I found deeply disrespectful. When I raised it at the time, instead of acknowledging it, they doubled down and explained why they were justified. I decided to disengage.

We share mutual acquaintances, so I’ve quietly managed logistics by skipping events where they’ll be and not including them in things I host.

Out of nowhere, I received an email asking if I can “finally let it go” because they “miss me and want to be in my life again.” There was no acknowledgment of what happened and no apology.

I’m honestly more irritated now than I was before. I’m unsure whether to ignore it, respond briefly, or say something more direct. If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you handle it? How would you respond?

[Anonymous]

How is your life now without them? Peaceful?

I'd ignore. Pretend you didn't receive it if they or someone else brings it up in person. "I dunno what youre talking about, I blocked Jane months ago. Havent heard from her since and not interested to."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Months ago I stopped speaking to someone I had been close to for a long time. There was a significant incident that I found deeply disrespectful. When I raised it at the time, instead of acknowledging it, they doubled down and explained why they were justified. I decided to disengage.

We share mutual acquaintances, so I’ve quietly managed logistics by skipping events where they’ll be and not including them in things I host.

Out of nowhere, I received an email asking if I can “finally let it go” because they “miss me and want to be in my life again.” There was no acknowledgment of what happened and no apology.

I’m honestly more irritated now than I was before. I’m unsure whether to ignore it, respond briefly, or say something more direct. If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you handle it? How would you respond?

Ignoring this seems like a very passive aggressive way of handling a rupture in a relationship that you describe as "close for a long time." It is fine to respond to the email saying that you have been unable to "let it go" and they were unwilling to acknowledge your feelings. If they would like to be in your life, you get to decide what the conditions for that are, but just skipping events and avoiding the issue is not mature.

[Anonymous]

“I don’t feel heard or respected, so I don’t know where we could go from there. I wish you all good things, as always.”

[Anonymous]

What do you want? Would you rather they acknowledge they did or said something they shouldn't have, and resume the relationship, with all its social aspects? Or are you really done with them and don't want to engage again?

I don't think you should resume relations as if nothing had happened, OP. That's a recipe for them doing it again. Re-engagement is conditioned on them having a satisfactory explanation for why they did what they did. It doesn't need to be an apology, but they should verbalize that they hurt you and will try to avoid that in the future.

[Anonymous]

Btdt and I don’t respond.

[Anonymous]

Why do I feel like the significant incident wasn't so significant? What happened?

I would rethink holding grudges life is short perhaps you both just needed a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do I feel like the significant incident wasn't so significant? What happened?

I would rethink holding grudges life is short perhaps you both just needed a break.

THIS. OP, drop details re: this "incident". Was it something the friend did to you personally? Or something you saw them do that didnt involve you directly?

It really sounds like you're holding onto some grudgewank.

[Anonymous]

I would not say you can't let it go. That admits you are weak and at fault. They are playing you.

If you are content without this person in your life say,

I appreciate the time we shared but I think it's time to part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want? Would you rather they acknowledge they did or said something they shouldn't have, and resume the relationship, with all its social aspects? Or are you really done with them and don't want to engage again?

I don't think you should resume relations as if nothing had happened, OP. That's a recipe for them doing it again. Re-engagement is conditioned on them having a satisfactory explanation for why they did what they did. It doesn't need to be an apology, but they should verbalize that they hurt you and will try to avoid that in the future.

This. Figure that out and then act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do I feel like the significant incident wasn't so significant? What happened?

I would rethink holding grudges life is short perhaps you both just needed a break.

You're right, life is short. Too short to have people who don't add value in your life. No need to make up with someone if they aren't adding love joy or peace to your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do I feel like the significant incident wasn't so significant? What happened?

I would rethink holding grudges life is short perhaps you both just needed a break.

THIS. OP, drop details re: this "incident". Was it something the friend did to you personally? Or something you saw them do that didnt involve you directly?

It really sounds like you're holding onto some grudgewank.

NP but ignore these posters.

OP, if the incident was significant TO YOU than it was significant in your relationship. When it comes to friendship, the people involved get to decide what matters. It doesn't actually matter if these PPs would consider whatever happened significant. You do, so it is. This isn't court.

A friend who refuses to acknowledge that something they did hurt you and take responsibility for that hurt isn't really a friend.

To answer your question: I do think you should be direct, but I would really think on what you want to say. If you feel this relationship could be repaired if the other person apologized or owned up to their behavior and at least acknowledged that it hurt you, then say that. Though know that someone who has already dug in on not apologizing is likely to double down on it again here. If you feel that the friendship has run its course and you are better off without them, say that. But since you are being direct, take some time to really think about what you want to say. Given their past behavior, I would consider this might be your last communication with them, so think about what you'd like that last communication will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do I feel like the significant incident wasn't so significant? What happened?

I would rethink holding grudges life is short perhaps you both just needed a break.

It doesn't matter what you feel.

It's OP's life. She does not owe this person a friendship. If OP thinks her life is better without this person in it, that's OP's decision. The person will be just fine without this friendship.

And I too was cut off by a friend for criticizing her for cutting off another friend. If cutting both of us off brings her peace, who are we to argue? We respect her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btdt and I don’t respond.

+1

[Anonymous]

Been there. Do NOT respond. This person is manipulative and has no respect for you. S/he will likely demonize you if you answer with anything except "Sure, I'm done being stupid! Let's be besties!" Don't engage. Don't respond. Keep your eyes forward.