Injured DH

[Anonymous]

So much for female empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much for female empathy.

So much for male intellectual superiority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can any of his buddies from this activity share the load in taking him to appts? That would be how I would try to reduce my workload. Is he the kind of person who would fully step up for you if this were flipped? If so, this is a blip in the overall scheme of things but yes, still sucks.

Would love to know the answer to this but honestly- just telling us what the sport is would help. You haven't stated anything here that is identifying or could come back on you negatively. There is a lot of range between base jumping and curling.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP's DH couldn't afford the full cost of the sport and expected everyone around him to pay for it. Quite common with "adventure" athletes.

Take care of him now. He's cashing all his future birthday presents and anniversary presents and fun budget, from you and from everyone else, until it's covered.

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of your reaction is probably coming from your own fear. Dreading for years to receive that call and then receiving that call. Being resentful and afraid of the sport but also loving him and not wanting to take away something he loves. All of that simmers on the back burner, and that sucks plenty. Then the call comes. You probably feel guilty for being upset that you received THIS call, because there are others that would be "worse" whatever that means.

This is a scary thing that just happened. Expect everyone to feel scared and angry and overwhelmed. Those are appropriate human responses to crisis. But remember that you love him and you don't want him to suffer. He loves you and doesn't want you to suffer either. Figuring out how to make that happen is what comes now.

At the very least, he won't be back on the mountain/on the bike/in the plane any time soon, it sounds like, so focus on immediate self-care rather than long term behavior change requirements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can any of his buddies from this activity share the load in taking him to appts? That would be how I would try to reduce my workload. Is he the kind of person who would fully step up for you if this were flipped? If so, this is a blip in the overall scheme of things but yes, still sucks.

Would love to know the answer to this but honestly- just telling us what the sport is would help. You haven't stated anything here that is identifying or could come back on you negatively. There is a lot of range between base jumping and curling.

NP. Why would it "help" other than to satisfy your curiosity? OP is right not to identify the sport because once she does, the thread will derail into a debate about whether people here think that sport is or isn't dangerous, OP will be told she's "overreacting" and "controlling," OP will get utterly useless anecdotes about how someone's spouse or friend does this sport and has never so much as bruised a toe, blah blah.

None of that helps OP in any way. If you have some ideas about how she can improve the logistics of dealing with DH/kids/work/chores/appointments, do weigh in. The nature of the sport has no impact on those logistics. I get it -- you're riffing off a question asking if the DH's buddies from the activity or sport would pitch in. But how does the specific sport many any difference in answering whether any friends who do the sport with him would or would not help? Answer: It doesn't make a difference. You just want to know because you want to know. Like others here saying they "need" to know.

OP, don't name it. You'll just fuel a thread of "But it's not that bad" or "It's horrible and here's why" posts about the sport -- not posts about your situation right now.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP to suggest that your H take on making his own appointments, dealing with insurance, arranging transportation, etc. Or if you do it, OP, say I can help you until Friday then you can take it on because I'm working FT and managing the kids' schedules. He's a grown adult with life skills (I assume he works and is successful there?) plus it may be a good thing to deal with some consequences beyond the injury itself considering it's a risky, time-consuming hobby.

I also agree that you should seek a therapist to talk to, because the resentment from this injury and its aftermath on top of everything else related to your H's actions regarding the hobby could build toward somewhere unrecoverable. I'm not sure where you will go from here on that front but talking through everything with a third party can help and provide perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can any of his buddies from this activity share the load in taking him to appts? That would be how I would try to reduce my workload. Is he the kind of person who would fully step up for you if this were flipped? If so, this is a blip in the overall scheme of things but yes, still sucks.

Would love to know the answer to this but honestly- just telling us what the sport is would help. You haven't stated anything here that is identifying or could come back on you negatively. There is a lot of range between base jumping and curling.

NP. Why would it "help" other than to satisfy your curiosity? OP is right not to identify the sport because once she does, the thread will derail into a debate about whether people here think that sport is or isn't dangerous, OP will be told she's "overreacting" and "controlling," OP will get utterly useless anecdotes about how someone's spouse or friend does this sport and has never so much as bruised a toe, blah blah.

None of that helps OP in any way. If you have some ideas about how she can improve the logistics of dealing with DH/kids/work/chores/appointments, do weigh in. The nature of the sport has no impact on those logistics. I get it -- you're riffing off a question asking if the DH's buddies from the activity or sport would pitch in. But how does the specific sport many any difference in answering whether any friends who do the sport with him would or would not help? Answer: It doesn't make a difference. You just want to know because you want to know. Like others here saying they "need" to know.

OP, don't name it. You'll just fuel a thread of "But it's not that bad" or "It's horrible and here's why" posts about the sport -- not posts about your situation right now.

Ok, weirdo, you are way too invested in this and somehow think OP has a complete inability to filter out the non-relevant/useless posts that she could receive related to opinions on said hobby. I'm not that curious/was just trying to help by obtaining relevant info. It's apparently not relevant to you- and apparently you have weighed in here somewhere here with your specifics/ feedback to improve the logistics of dealing with DH/kids/work/chores/appointments (though I haven't seen a reply like that so you are pretty unhelpful).

Re: the bolded, It was two different pieces of feedback and for the first, I did weigh in- 1) who else in the sport in his friend group can help and how? 2) what is the sport? You are right. It could degrade into wrong/right or right-fighting like your post, BUT if it was speedwalking or hiking, the consensus would probably tell her to unclench, whereas if it was petting sharks or parkour on highrises, the feedback would probably help OP in feeling comfortable enough with the general group consensus to have a come to jesus with DH to prevent future recurrences.

Gotta get back to my heli-skiing now. It's bad for the environment but at least I'm not scared to state my hobby.

[Anonymous]

I can totally see your perspective on this OP.

Since becoming a Father, it is unfair of your husband to be leaving you on weekends w/your two small children.
Period.

No matter what he is doing.

However if he was active in this hobby prior to marrying you and continued even before you two had children - it is kinda unfair to be unhappy w/it now even though I can see why you would be.

I would just focus on the fact that yes, your husband WAS behaving recklessly, however do your very best to not let resentment eat at your soul because in time it may negatively impact your marriage.

Easier said than done -> I know.
Try to talk to a close friend or family member about your feelings.
If possible, try also talking to a counselor about this as well.

And allow yourself time to focus on yourself.
Whether that be a hot bath, a solo hike or lunch w/a friend you deserve some respite. ♥️

[Anonymous]

For everyone talking about life insurance, he may be uninsurable or the premiums could be so high it’s not worth it. Especially given that he’s now injured himself, I can see them taking a pass.

We had to answer questions about risky hobbies. DH truthfully answered that yes he had bungy jumped in the past 5 years but explained it was a one time thing while traveling and he would not be doing it again. Premiums start getting pretty expensive for men in their mid 30s even without dangerous hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Was he in the hospital for 48 hours, op? That’s serious and is longer then I spent in the hospital delivering my third baby, I went in early Saturday morning, had the baby and we were sent home Sunday afternoon. Point being, hospitals don’t tend to keep people these days so if they do, there may be a reason beyond the nursing staff love his hobby and think he’s cute.

I say this because he may not be allowed to take Urber, generally you aren’t allowed to do it if you are dealing with anesthetics. Yes, people do it, I’m sure, but they do check, or at least they did with my husband and this was a few months back. Point being “just take an urber” may not work, though I suspect the people suggesting it are also the ones telling kids to take Urber and they also can’t do that at least not legally, which again doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

For you, op, I’m 100 percent on your side. Your husband isn’t spending time with the family, you worry about the phone call, and then you have to deal with whatever idiot thing he did to himself and as you have experienced, nobody cares about how *you* are doing.
My husband also wondered if your husband was being faithful to you, pointing out the adrenaline rush from the hobby may mean he doesn’t take your marriage as seriously as he should. Being really good at something coupled with the physicality of the activity is one of the most incredible feelings out there. Are you sure he’s behaving appropriately? It’s something you should at least think about.

If you want to be married to him, it’s now come-to-Jesus time. He stops the hobby, or at least he finds a way to do it safely with kids and a wife. Since he likes it so much, why not dial back and share it with the kids? If we knew what the hobby was, we could give you suggestions, plus I am a nosy bastard and I’d like to know. You on your part need to let him share his interest with the kids, do you do that or treat it like the most boring interest ever and the kids need a phd to understand? Does he even try to teach the kids or does he zoom off before they are awake? Or is it some of both, you don’t like the hobby anymore so he still does it but doesn’t share as much as he used to?




For those of you who tsk on and on about “why didn’t you discuss before kids”, it’s very hard to have a discussion about a lifestyle that doesn’t exist. If they talked at all, he probably cooed that he’d be back in time to cuddle the baby and she cooed that she worked all week so would love to have a nice lazy Saturday hanging out with the baby, and oh they sleep a lot so maybe I’ll learn how to play an instrument. That seems to have been the way the conversation went down when my parents had it. I don’t fault anybody for “not discussing before kids”.
I’d talk to is family or one of his hobby friends and see if they can help even to the point of moving in with you. You’ll probably get more luck with a woman and ideally a mother or sister of your husband’s. I’d tell you not to baby him, but the problem is that if his body or brain aren’t working well, it’s hard to know what he is truly capable of doing and what may need to change so he can do them. He may be able to order groceries but not actually bring them into the house.
I’m sorry, op, as the thrill seeking spouse in my marriage, he does need to learn not to be an ass. You need to learn what you and won’t continue to put up with. Sadly, a lot of these men are married to their hobby and they want a wife and kids so they aren’t alone on holidays. The family unit isn’t really a priority for a lot of them, the thrill seeking hobbies mean they are attractive to women and they in some cases feel they can just get another one, and they probably can at least for a time. They also don’t seem to know how to deal with normal life when they’ve been up in the air and can do so regularly or traveling at a high rate of speed or have in some cases physically outmanuevered another person, or kept another person with you, it is heady stuff. I’m sorry. If your husband has good men in his life that prioritize family, this hopefully won’t happen. Bottom line, remember that the only one you can control is you so you can decide what you want next. Start by telling your husband that it will be hard enough on the kids should he die, and it will be hard on you if he dies and you don’t want to be in the position to mourn your beloved husband and kids’ father, you need to think very seriously about helping your kids mourn their father and you need to no longer be married to him if that’s how you feel.

As for FMLA, I never got it when I requested it, my employers always found a way to weasel out of it “well, he’s not in the hospital *now*” “We can give it to you but your job may not be there when you get back, we’ve been looking at cutting back” just things that make it difficult to fight over when you are asking because a loved one is going through a medical event. You don’t just go in and say “Hey, I’d like some FMLA please”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

Both are dangerous. Motorcycle more likely to result in organ donation. Cycling more likely to result in a broken clavicle. Since it’s an injury and her DH isn’t yet pushing up daisies, my money is on cycling.

Broken clavical is a only a few hours in the emergency department. Not 48+ hours.

[Anonymous]

OP, is DH in the ruggedized adult trike (rAT) community? It's a fun bunch. The trikes can get expensive and, as we have unfortunately experienced, there are people who mock anyone who rides a rAT (throwing handfuls of pebbles, giving the finger to our family, etc.) but the plusses outweigh the negatives.

[Anonymous]

I had an dangerous hobby when I met my wife. When we had young children I got hurt pretty bad and went to the ER. Afterwards my father told me its time to grow up and that I had responsibilities now. It was good advise.
I found safer adrenaline filled hobbies after the DCs got older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s pickleball, right? My husband has gotten sucked into our neighborhood dads pickleball pickup game group and has been complaining about his knees. Another dad hurt his ankle, and someone else has a minor head injury.

Anyway - all joking aside - my bet is road cycling, because yes, great exercise, most of y’all are probably lovely people, but the 20% or so of you who are overly aggressive, Lycra-ed up, middle-aged men who want to ride on the streets at rush hour like cars, but not obey traffic signals, make the rest of you look bad.

Also irrelevant to the issue.

Be very clear with DH - say you can’t take on his care as well beyond the bare minimum and task him with all logistical issue that can be done on-line or on the phone.

I’d be annoyed too - more at the time away from family, than the injury.

Pickleball is for people who are too rich for ping pong, and too out of shape for tennis.