Injured DH

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re entitled to the anger you feel.

I would try thinking about the short-term and the long-term separately. Short-term: getting through the next few weeks. Can you take some FMLA, to give yourself a little breathing room? Can you set up a meal train so friends can bring meals every couple days? Think about what you can do to support yourself right now and make your life a bit easier.

Long-term: I would be extremely upset if my DH didn’t stop or at least dramatically scale back this hobby after this, and if he refused I would insist on couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

If he isn’t gojng to give up riding his bicycle, couldn’t you at least insist he wear one of those reflective yellow safety vests while riding?

I see joggers using those all the time.

To this PP and the other one, again, who talked about getting a Garmin to alert riders to cars etc. etc., please re-read this post from above. All the reflective vests and special tech in the world do not necessarily prevent this kind of stuff:

I know of three middle aged men who had this hobby and got into severe life-altering accidents. One shattered a leg and had to have a titanium rod put in and now walks with a limp. He skidded out on some wet gravel—there wasn’t even a car or other person involved. Another broke some ribs and his wrist in a pile up with other cyclists in his group. He recovered ok but another guy in the group was pretty severely injured. The other one I don’t know the circumstances but he was a very experienced rider and he got concussed and has dealt with vision issues and headaches ever since.

I posted earlier: This is the time for OP to tell her DH that his hobby is risking his ability to function as a member of their family. I do NOT just mean that in terms of the fact he's currently incapacitated. I mean that he's risking his health and life if he goes back on a bike in the same way once he's healed from the current injuries. He has cognition issues at the moment as OP herself noted earlier. Another head injury could end up like the "very experienced rider" above who is permanently dealing with issues which surely must affect his abilities to work, interact, do things with his kids, etc.

When someone's hobby (however much it "defines who I ammmm!") puts OTHER people's worlds at risk, it is no longer a hobby but pure selfishness. OP's DH is putting his marriage and possibly his kids' futures at risk if he continues at this level where injury is so possible. I wonder if OP is financially prepped to handle things like saving for the kids' college funds, funding her and DH's retirement, dealing with day to day costs, day to day logistics with kids, if DH ends up with permanent issues where he can't work or drive or help out in the way he normally would? Not just for right now. For good.

Ok I’ll bite.

Let’s say he gives up exercising. Takes up a safe, sedentary lifestyle. And soon dies of a stroke or heart attack.

Would that be preferable to a fitness-based hobby?

Stop smothering your husband and let him be himself!

Flag on the play



How about he stops biking but takes up bootcamps or hiking or trail running or CrossFit, or any other fitness hobby besides cycling.

Cycling and Couch-Potato are not the only two options

Why not get a Pelton. It’s basically the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

Both are dangerous. Motorcycle more likely to result in organ donation. Cycling more likely to result in a broken clavicle. Since it’s an injury and her DH isn’t yet pushing up daisies, my money is on cycling.

Yeah but, leaving aside the time/money thing, I don’t think most people think of cycling as an inherently dangerous activity. Yes, stuff could happen but things like skiing and cycling are pretty mainstream. I’m assuming it’s climbing or something like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

Both are dangerous. Motorcycle more likely to result in organ donation. Cycling more likely to result in a broken clavicle. Since it’s an injury and her DH isn’t yet pushing up daisies, my money is on cycling.

Yeah but, leaving aside the time/money thing, I don’t think most people think of cycling as an inherently dangerous activity. Yes, stuff could happen but things like skiing and cycling are pretty mainstream. I’m assuming it’s climbing or something like that

PP, I stand corrected actually after reading through. As a casual bicyclist only I did not appreciate how much more dangerous this kind of road cycling can be, yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

If he isn’t gojng to give up riding his bicycle, couldn’t you at least insist he wear one of those reflective yellow safety vests while riding?

I see joggers using those all the time.

To this PP and the other one, again, who talked about getting a Garmin to alert riders to cars etc. etc., please re-read this post from above. All the reflective vests and special tech in the world do not necessarily prevent this kind of stuff:

I know of three middle aged men who had this hobby and got into severe life-altering accidents. One shattered a leg and had to have a titanium rod put in and now walks with a limp. He skidded out on some wet gravel—there wasn’t even a car or other person involved. Another broke some ribs and his wrist in a pile up with other cyclists in his group. He recovered ok but another guy in the group was pretty severely injured. The other one I don’t know the circumstances but he was a very experienced rider and he got concussed and has dealt with vision issues and headaches ever since.

I posted earlier: This is the time for OP to tell her DH that his hobby is risking his ability to function as a member of their family. I do NOT just mean that in terms of the fact he's currently incapacitated. I mean that he's risking his health and life if he goes back on a bike in the same way once he's healed from the current injuries. He has cognition issues at the moment as OP herself noted earlier. Another head injury could end up like the "very experienced rider" above who is permanently dealing with issues which surely must affect his abilities to work, interact, do things with his kids, etc.

When someone's hobby (however much it "defines who I ammmm!") puts OTHER people's worlds at risk, it is no longer a hobby but pure selfishness. OP's DH is putting his marriage and possibly his kids' futures at risk if he continues at this level where injury is so possible. I wonder if OP is financially prepped to handle things like saving for the kids' college funds, funding her and DH's retirement, dealing with day to day costs, day to day logistics with kids, if DH ends up with permanent issues where he can't work or drive or help out in the way he normally would? Not just for right now. For good.

Ok I’ll bite.

Let’s say he gives up exercising. Takes up a safe, sedentary lifestyle. And soon dies of a stroke or heart attack.

Would that be preferable to a fitness-based hobby?

Stop smothering your husband and let him be himself!

Flag on the play



How about he stops biking but takes up bootcamps or hiking or trail running or CrossFit, or any other fitness hobby besides cycling.

Cycling and Couch-Potato are not the only two options

Why not get a Pelton. It’s basically the same thing.

Another great option.

I put trail running in there as the closest comp. Bc its outside/fresh air. Much safer but still the excitement/adventure of being alone in the woods and navigating the terrain. Really the worst that could happen would be a twisted ankle and having to hobble a few miles for help

[Anonymous]

I am guessing he is a cyclist! I am one, too (but a woman). OP, do not ask him to give it up. If he is indeed a cyclist, buy him a Garmin Varia radar, they are very helpful for tracking cars around you. Unfortunately, cycling does come with risks. And instead of being resentful of his hobby:

-get your own hobby. My DH puts up with my crazy bike obsession because he also has his own thing he enjoys.

-encourage him to do it during times that work for the family. I do a lot of my cycling during my commutes and early in the morning. No one is inconvenienced.

-buy him an indoor trainer.

-be thankful he is engaging in exercise and cultivating fitness. So many overweight guys in my friend circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

If he isn’t gojng to give up riding his bicycle, couldn’t you at least insist he wear one of those reflective yellow safety vests while riding?

I see joggers using those all the time.

To this PP and the other one, again, who talked about getting a Garmin to alert riders to cars etc. etc., please re-read this post from above. All the reflective vests and special tech in the world do not necessarily prevent this kind of stuff:

I know of three middle aged men who had this hobby and got into severe life-altering accidents. One shattered a leg and had to have a titanium rod put in and now walks with a limp. He skidded out on some wet gravel—there wasn’t even a car or other person involved. Another broke some ribs and his wrist in a pile up with other cyclists in his group. He recovered ok but another guy in the group was pretty severely injured. The other one I don’t know the circumstances but he was a very experienced rider and he got concussed and has dealt with vision issues and headaches ever since.

I posted earlier: This is the time for OP to tell her DH that his hobby is risking his ability to function as a member of their family. I do NOT just mean that in terms of the fact he's currently incapacitated. I mean that he's risking his health and life if he goes back on a bike in the same way once he's healed from the current injuries. He has cognition issues at the moment as OP herself noted earlier. Another head injury could end up like the "very experienced rider" above who is permanently dealing with issues which surely must affect his abilities to work, interact, do things with his kids, etc.

When someone's hobby (however much it "defines who I ammmm!") puts OTHER people's worlds at risk, it is no longer a hobby but pure selfishness. OP's DH is putting his marriage and possibly his kids' futures at risk if he continues at this level where injury is so possible. I wonder if OP is financially prepped to handle things like saving for the kids' college funds, funding her and DH's retirement, dealing with day to day costs, day to day logistics with kids, if DH ends up with permanent issues where he can't work or drive or help out in the way he normally would? Not just for right now. For good.

Ok I’ll bite.

Let’s say he gives up exercising. Takes up a safe, sedentary lifestyle. And soon dies of a stroke or heart attack.

Would that be preferable to a fitness-based hobby?

Stop smothering your husband and let him be himself!

Flag on the play



How about he stops biking but takes up bootcamps or hiking or trail running or CrossFit, or any other fitness hobby besides cycling.

Cycling and Couch-Potato are not the only two options

Why not get a Pelton. It’s basically the same thing.

Another great option.

I put trail running in there as the closest comp. Bc its outside/fresh air. Much safer but still the excitement/adventure of being alone in the woods and navigating the terrain. Really the worst that could happen would be a twisted ankle and having to hobble a few miles for help

Attack and rape come to mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh, with the head injury, I don’t think he can bike again; that would be incredibly risky. When you described his injuries, it was the first time I felt any sympathy for him. Short-term memory loss has to be very scary and unsettling. Nonetheless, I really understand your frustration and anger. I do hope you took some time for yourself over the years, while your DH watched the kids, so at least there was some reciprocity? Because otherwise I’m really passed on your behalf - not that it’s any help now.

I am really so very sorry, OP. Can any family come in to help, or friends split some of the driving, meals, etc?

But I guarantee you he will bike again because that’s what they do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry cycling is not really what I would call a dangerous hobby. Get the viara radar from garmin that will notify you if a car is approaching from the rear. Watch the rider in front of you and lookout for drivers opening their doors

I know of three middle aged men who had this hobby and got into severe life-altering accidents. One shattered a leg and had to have a titanium rod put in and now walks with a limp. He skidded out on some wet gravel—there wasn’t even a car or other person involved. Another broke some ribs and his wrist in a pile up with other cyclists in his group. He recovered ok but another guy in the group was pretty severely injured. The other one I don’t know the circumstances but he was a very experienced rider and he got concussed and has dealt with vision issues and headaches ever since.

I can tell you my husband and his bike club go out the next day after ice storms. They just HAVE to get that ride in then are SO SHOCKED when someone wipes out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am guessing he is a cyclist! I am one, too (but a woman). OP, do not ask him to give it up. If he is indeed a cyclist, buy him a Garmin Varia radar, they are very helpful for tracking cars around you. Unfortunately, cycling does come with risks. And instead of being resentful of his hobby:

-get your own hobby. My DH puts up with my crazy bike obsession because he also has his own thing he enjoys.

-encourage him to do it during times that work for the family. I do a lot of my cycling during my commutes and early in the morning. No one is inconvenienced.

-buy him an indoor trainer.

-be thankful he is engaging in exercise and cultivating fitness. So many overweight guys in my friend circle.

Lady, I’m a woman too and no, he doesn’t put up with your hobby the way you think he does. My husband puts in an average of 700 miles per MONTH. Do I fill that time? Sure I do. Do I live every day expecting to have my life stop to care for an invalid because he rides? Yes

[Anonymous]

I rode dirt bikes, when I was 35 I had a scary wreck. Probably cracked some ribs. The thought of not being able to provide for my family was not acceptable because of something so selfish. Sold the bike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rode dirt bikes, when I was 35 I had a scary wreck. Probably cracked some ribs. The thought of not being able to provide for my family was not acceptable because of something so selfish. Sold the bike.

This right here.
He is just selfish and puts his needs first in front of his family's.
Unfortunately not uncommon.
You need to think about whether it is worth putting up with longterm.

[Anonymous]

I have an potentially equally dangerous hobby that could consume all my time and money if I let it. I am also married, work full time, and have small kids. Here's what I do to make it work, which I think is reasonable and seems to work for us:
1. I only train two times (approx. 3 hours/session) a week, one of which is very early morning.
2. I make sure my spouse gets equal time for his hobby.
3. I only travel to two races a year.
4. I carry good health insurance and good life insurance.
5. I don't race in an overly aggressive or dangerous way, even if it might help me win more races.
6. I wear full safety gear every time.
7. I have never gotten seriously injured-and if I had I would seriously consider cutting back.

I could find a less dangerous hobby, but this is one that I love, and I also love the social aspect of it. It's important to help the people you love find a way to enjoy the other things they love, but it has to be reasonable and mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don’t think of cycling as dangerous. I have biked 20 miles a day (to work and back) for 20 years and never had an incident. And you need to set the cardio benefits I against the risk of accident. Cardiovascular disease is the biggest killer in the US…

These are two different things.

You and me commuting to work, we go maybe 15 mph tops, easy comfortable upright stance with non clip pedals. Nerds like me stick to multipurpose trails and maybe bike lanes — otherwise I’m on sidewalk walking.

OP DH feet are clamped into petals, he’s in a racing stance going 40mph weaving in traffic going 50+, no bike trail, few bike lanes.

But OP, you had me at triathlete. It’s a DCUM truism that is code for narcissist.

well if he's riding around averaging 40 mph he should be a pro cyclist

[Anonymous]

My DD14 has a friend whose father died rock climbing about 6 years ago. An acquaintance —someone I met through a moms group but didn’t keep in touch with—died on a motorcycle trip leaving two teen boys about 5 years ago. Hobbies like this when you’re a parent are just selfish.