Injured DH

[Anonymous]

You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

[Anonymous]

I may have missed someone suggesting it but have you considered some individual counseling and then, perhaps, some relationship counseling? I know DCUM throws that out a lot but, IME, it's been really helpfulwhen I'm wrangling with something I'm struggling to articulate (although DCUM, at its finest, can usually help me out!) and when my DH and I have hit a wall on resolving an issue.

I've had some experiences similar to what you're going through and want to throw this out there - which, if true, makes it more imperative that you seek counseling. Addictive behaviors are not limited to partaking of substances. It can also include things like exercise, food, shopping, screen time, quilting/knitting, sex, etc. It's behavior that does something for the brain and which a person struggles to regulate. I gently suggest that in addition to, perhaps, your DH's identify being wrapped up in being an athlete (as a PP suggested), he may find it difficult to let go of cycling/triathalons because it may be something of an addiction/compulsion. If there are elements of addiction/compulsion, you talking to him isn't going to make any difference. He needs more serious help.

Whether he continues to engage inthis hobby because of addiction/compulsion or because he doesn't care of the impact/risk that it has on you and your kids, it is having serious, negative consequences on your relationship, health and financial stability. A partner disregarding this and continuing to do what they're doing really isn't a partner. Counseling can help you figure things out. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

My wife broke her clavicle cycling--commuting, not racing. It's really common. OP's husband, unfortunately, seems more injured. It is more dangerous than running because you're going faster and you're higher up. I don't know anyone who fell when running who broke their collarbone.

Yes, caretaking is hard and it's even harder when you feel like the injury was preventable (I feel a little of this, but less so because of the circumstances of my wife's injury). It's hard to go back and forth between relief that it wasn't worse and frustration that it happened at all. One thing that helped me was connecting my wife with a lawyer to see if any compensation is available. Whether that's an option for you depends on the circumstances of the accident, but a consultation with a personal injury lawyer is free. I also agree with taking intermittent sick leave, relying on friends and family, letting things slide (we ate a lot of canned soup after the accident), and some benign neglect for your husband (he can watch netflix all day, you don't have to offer him snacks, set alarms on his phone so he can get his own meds, that sort of thing). It still sucks though.

Something to be prepared for is that your husband's personality may change as a result of his head injury. He may not want to get back on the bike and that is fine. But it could change in other ways that could be challenging to deal with too. If that happens, you may want to seek out a support group for spouses of people with TBIs, and/or marital and individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

Of course life insurance is no substitute for a spouse. I can only imagine the pain of losing your partner in life and the parent of your children. I am sorry if you have gone through that.

I was one of the "good life insurance" posters. My point was not that it eliminates the burden on the spouse, but that life insurance is a bare minimum requirement for mitigating one of the risks. In my case, the risk of death or from my sport is pretty small--mostly because there's no chance of getting hit by a car or falling from a great height--but other less serious injuries (broken bones/trashed joints) are relatively common. So, maybe I should not compare it to cycling, where the risks of truly life-ending/altering injuries are greater. And, I have not been on the other side of this--my husband's favorite hobby is tennis--so I understand the perspective may be different from the outside looking in.

FWIW, I used to play a sport where head injuries are common. After my first concussion, I hung up my cleats--even though I was single and childless at that point, one serious head injury was enough for me. OP, I hope this accident is a wake-up call for you DH and that he takes more care without any need for pressure from you. It sounds like he has been really selfish in the ways he has put this activity above the good of your family, and you deserve more from your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

If he isn’t gojng to give up riding his bicycle, couldn’t you at least insist he wear one of those reflective yellow safety vests while riding?

I see joggers using those all the time.

To this PP and the other one, again, who talked about getting a Garmin to alert riders to cars etc. etc., please re-read this post from above. All the reflective vests and special tech in the world do not necessarily prevent this kind of stuff:

I know of three middle aged men who had this hobby and got into severe life-altering accidents. One shattered a leg and had to have a titanium rod put in and now walks with a limp. He skidded out on some wet gravel—there wasn’t even a car or other person involved. Another broke some ribs and his wrist in a pile up with other cyclists in his group. He recovered ok but another guy in the group was pretty severely injured. The other one I don’t know the circumstances but he was a very experienced rider and he got concussed and has dealt with vision issues and headaches ever since.

I posted earlier: This is the time for OP to tell her DH that his hobby is risking his ability to function as a member of their family. I do NOT just mean that in terms of the fact he's currently incapacitated. I mean that he's risking his health and life if he goes back on a bike in the same way once he's healed from the current injuries. He has cognition issues at the moment as OP herself noted earlier. Another head injury could end up like the "very experienced rider" above who is permanently dealing with issues which surely must affect his abilities to work, interact, do things with his kids, etc.

When someone's hobby (however much it "defines who I ammmm!") puts OTHER people's worlds at risk, it is no longer a hobby but pure selfishness. OP's DH is putting his marriage and possibly his kids' futures at risk if he continues at this level where injury is so possible. I wonder if OP is financially prepped to handle things like saving for the kids' college funds, funding her and DH's retirement, dealing with day to day costs, day to day logistics with kids, if DH ends up with permanent issues where he can't work or drive or help out in the way he normally would? Not just for right now. For good.

Ok I’ll bite.

Let’s say he gives up exercising. Takes up a safe, sedentary lifestyle. And soon dies of a stroke or heart attack.

Would that be preferable to a fitness-based hobby?

Stop smothering your husband and let him be himself!

Flag on the play



How about he stops biking but takes up bootcamps or hiking or trail running or CrossFit, or any other fitness hobby besides cycling.

Cycling and Couch-Potato are not the only two options

Why not get a Pelton. It’s basically the same thing.

Another great option.

I put trail running in there as the closest comp. Bc its outside/fresh air. Much safer but still the excitement/adventure of being alone in the woods and navigating the terrain. Really the worst that could happen would be a twisted ankle and having to hobble a few miles for help

Attack and rape come to mind

DH is going to be attacked and raped while jogging on the Seneca Trail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

I was wondering when you might join this thread. Good to have you back. Have the neighborhood kids stopped making fun of your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

I remember the thread about Segway husband! "Moonlight hand dance" sounds like a twee euphemism for self-pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

I remember the thread about Segway husband! "Moonlight hand dance" sounds like a twee euphemism for self-pleasure.

That is not what it is. It's a really fun time when a group SegwayMaximum riders get to a secluded space (can be anywhere) and all ride in tight little circles and rotate their hands (held up) back and forth in the moonlight. There is no need to make it seem like what you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

I remember the thread about Segway husband! "Moonlight hand dance" sounds like a twee euphemism for self-pleasure.

That is not what it is. It's a really fun time when a group SegwayMaximum riders get to a secluded space (can be anywhere) and all ride in tight little circles and rotate their hands (held up) back and forth in the moonlight. There is no need to make it seem like what you said.

Lighten up. Moonlighten up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

I remember the thread about Segway husband! "Moonlight hand dance" sounds like a twee euphemism for self-pleasure.

That is not what it is. It's a really fun time when a group SegwayMaximum riders get to a secluded space (can be anywhere) and all ride in tight little circles and rotate their hands (held up) back and forth in the moonlight. There is no need to make it seem like what you said.

I love you, Segway Wife.

[Anonymous]

DH is an adrenaline junky. But, he stopped once the kids came.

Also, I hope he takes care of the kids for several hours on the weekend so you can go enjoy whatever you want to go enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You People who have dangerous hobbies who say, "oh, but I have good life insurance" have no idea what life is like for the surviving spouse. You lose your best friend, and your future and you will never be the same person again. Your kids age well beyond their years and there is a little seed of sadness inside that never goes away.

Stop being selfish!

This is what I thought until DH got into SegwayMaximum (Segway riding for maximum intensity.) What a community! And it's not all high-speed or competitive (although it can be.) Moonlight hand dances are for everyone. Loosen up PP and climb aboard.

I remember the thread about Segway husband! "Moonlight hand dance" sounds like a twee euphemism for self-pleasure.

That is not what it is. It's a really fun time when a group SegwayMaximum riders get to a secluded space (can be anywhere) and all ride in tight little circles and rotate their hands (held up) back and forth in the moonlight. There is no need to make it seem like what you said.

Does he sell t-shirt shorts? As in - shorts made of t-shirts?

[Anonymous]

I love my DCUM community.

I feel seen.

*Cleans counter with burgundy washcloth after making lightly fried tuna sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don’t think of cycling as dangerous. I have biked 20 miles a day (to work and back) for 20 years and never had an incident. And you need to set the cardio benefits I against the risk of accident. Cardiovascular disease is the biggest killer in the US…

These are two different things.

You and me commuting to work, we go maybe 15 mph tops, easy comfortable upright stance with non clip pedals. Nerds like me stick to multipurpose trails and maybe bike lanes — otherwise I’m on sidewalk walking.

OP DH feet are clamped into petals, he’s in a racing stance going 40mph weaving in traffic going 50+, no bike trail, few bike lanes.

But OP, you had me at triathlete. It’s a DCUM truism that is code for narcissist.

I have a friend who was commuting to work at 10 mph and got hit by a texting driver in an intersection. She had a severe brain injury and has never been the same and can’t ride anymore. It isn’t about the speed of the bike, necessarily.

I also was a triathlete for years but barely ride now because of kids, and only on bike paths. Road cycling is an absolute blast and totally addictive, but with drivers as distracted as they are today, it’s got to be as dangerous as riding a motorcycle now.

OP I’m praying for your DH’s speedy recovery and for you to have the strength to get through this — and for you both to work out a solution that is good for both of you once he is better.