Injured DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know where to start with this, but I have finally had enough time to process all of this and get my feelings down. DH and I have been married for ~5 years and have two small children. He is a great husband and father but has always been very involved in a dangerous and time consuming (not to mention expensive) hobby/sport, which I tolerated pre-kids but ever since our first was born a few years ago it has become a huge wedge issue in our marriage. I have wanted him to give it up completely since he became a dad for the amount of time and risk it poses, but he has always refused saying it is his "escape" and "joy".

Well what do you know, he was out the other week on a day trip to participate in said hobby (leaving me home with the kids for the gazillionth weekend in a row) and I get the dreaded horrible phone call from a stranger that he has been in an accident and is being taken to the ER. Fast forward a very hectic and emotional 48 hours and transfer to another larger hospital and eventual journey home, he has very serious (but ultimately not life threatening) injuries that have left him effectively bedridden for at least the next few weeks.

I have moved beyond the initial extreme shock/worry/relief that he is going to be okay and am now just feeling nothing but anger towards him, that this was totally selfish and reckless and on some level he allowed this to happen by participating in said hobby, while also realizing he could have been left permanently disabled or killed from these injuries and then I feel guilty for being so mad at him. Everyone has expressed their sympathies for his situation but I feel like no one understands what I am dealing with now - I work FT and will also somehow have to manage 2 small kids, a dog, and coordinate/chauffer countless doctor and therapy appointments for DH likely for the next several months. I realize this anger is not productive and I need to find ways to channel it into something more productive/positive. I am hoping to speak with a therapist soon, but looking for any advice or perspective in the meantime.

What do you need him for? Tell him you manage fine by yourself, don't need the extra worry of having to care for him for the rest of his life after a more serious accident, and that he will give up the hobby or you will be leaving.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, while he is bedridden I would support him but not baby him. His selfishness has left you in a terrible position and you have other responsibilities to your kids. Do you have the funds to outsource some of the tasks related to his care? Does he have family who could come and actually be helpful? I hope his recovery is complete, but I hope he also reflects on his foolishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, while he is bedridden I would support him but not baby him. His selfishness has left you in a terrible position and you have other responsibilities to your kids. Do you have the funds to outsource some of the tasks related to his care? Does he have family who could come and actually be helpful? I hope his recovery is complete, but I hope he also reflects on his foolishness.

Also, I think it is totally appropriate and expected that you share your anger with him. When he is up for it, calmly let him know that you are glad he is ok, but you are also angry that he has risked his life and hurt your whole family through his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother engages in a similar hobby (or maybe its the same one) so my family is very familiar with waiting on that expected phone call. That said, you chose to marry and have kids with a man who didn't want to give up the hobby. My brother's hobby has ended many relationships because they didn't want to take on that knowledge that he was putting himself in danger.

On the plus side, this may have scared him enough to stop.

This OP. Did you have a conversation with him before having your kid? If not why do you think he's going to stop?

[Anonymous]

I believe you are entitled to FMLA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

[Anonymous]

My husband skies and had a horrible knee fracture. Knee surgery and non weight bearing for 8 weeks. I was on my own with a 4 and 2 yo and very full time job. Very hard on our marriage. He just bought another season ski pass. I told him another injury and he’s done skiing or I’m out. I love that he loves it and will share that joy with our kids but I am too risk adverse. I dread that phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe you are entitled to FMLA.

This is what I came on to suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have good life insurance?

+1. My DH heli skiis and we have young children. I made sure he took out a good life insurance policy since I stay home with the kids and his death or disability would destroy us. We know someone who died from this hobby and ruined his pregnant wife’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

Both are dangerous. Motorcycle more likely to result in organ donation. Cycling more likely to result in a broken clavicle. Since it’s an injury and her DH isn’t yet pushing up daisies, my money is on cycling.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. Dh is a climber. We have had some hard conversations about limits, safety and pulling back. He got injured recently for the first time in years (broken foot only but could have been much worse). He doesn’t free climb, uses helmet etc so he’s not reckless but it’s still a risk.

See a therapist now and figure out how you approach after you’ve both had time to heal a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

Both are dangerous. Motorcycle more likely to result in organ donation. Cycling more likely to result in a broken clavicle. Since it’s an injury and her DH isn’t yet pushing up daisies, my money is on cycling.

I am a woman, a mother and have cycled 2-3x a week for years now. It is not more dangerous than running.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two issues - the danger of the sport, and the the time/expense it takes away from family. To me the second is much more damaging. I think he's a fool for risking his life when he's got a spouse and kids, but good life insurance can shield you from at least the loss of his income and help. While he's out playing, though, he's sticking you with the childcare and he's burning joint funds. You should consider (1) marriage counseling and (2) insisting on equal time and funds to do your own thing.

As for the injury, does your job not have any flexibility? Spouse's hospitalization is a pretty clear cut reason for leave of absence, at my job. Also, do you have family, neighbors, church, etc to help? You can ask for help with carpool, meal trains, etc. And have DH take a Lyft to appointments.

Of all the things that OP said, I was struck by her saying she will have to coordinate all of his appointments, therapies, etc.

No you don't OP. He's an adult, why can't he do this? Once he's out of the hospital, he manages his care. He schedules his appointments. He deals with insurance. He deals with his medications - find a pharmacy that delivers. And he can take an Uber to appointments.

Since he will be home for a while, put him in charge of other stuff too. He can order from Amazon from the couch. He can even order groceries for delivery.