Injured DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can any of his buddies from this activity share the load in taking him to appts? That would be how I would try to reduce my workload. Is he the kind of person who would fully step up for you if this were flipped? If so, this is a blip in the overall scheme of things but yes, still sucks.

Would love to know the answer to this but honestly- just telling us what the sport is would help. You haven't stated anything here that is identifying or could come back on you negatively. There is a lot of range between base jumping and curling.

NP. Why would it "help" other than to satisfy your curiosity? OP is right not to identify the sport because once she does, the thread will derail into a debate about whether people here think that sport is or isn't dangerous, OP will be told she's "overreacting" and "controlling," OP will get utterly useless anecdotes about how someone's spouse or friend does this sport and has never so much as bruised a toe, blah blah.

None of that helps OP in any way. If you have some ideas about how she can improve the logistics of dealing with DH/kids/work/chores/appointments, do weigh in. The nature of the sport has no impact on those logistics. I get it -- you're riffing off a question asking if the DH's buddies from the activity or sport would pitch in. But how does the specific sport many any difference in answering whether any friends who do the sport with him would or would not help? Answer: It doesn't make a difference. You just want to know because you want to know. Like others here saying they "need" to know.

OP, don't name it. You'll just fuel a thread of "But it's not that bad" or "It's horrible and here's why" posts about the sport -- not posts about your situation right now.

Go back and read the OP. OP didn't exclusively ask for advice on how to deal with logistics. Her question was:

I realize this anger is not productive and I need to find ways to channel it into something more productive/positive. I am hoping to speak with a therapist soon, but looking for any advice or perspective in the meantime.

She specifically asked for perspective on how to deal with her resentment about the dangerous activity. But no one can provide that perspective without knowing the activity. My answer (and others', I expect) will differ dramatically depending on whether the activity is road cycling, motorcross, skiing, heli-skiing, swimming with great white sharks, rock climbing, cliff diving, hang gliding, motorcycle racing . . . you get the idea. If she says it's road cycling, I'll gently suggest that she's overreacting. If it's swimming with great whites, I'll tell her she's well within her rights to threaten divorce if he refuses to quit. That's the perspective she seeks, and it's impossible to provide without knowing the risks her husband takes.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone - it's OP again.

For those of you who are absolutely dying to know, yes, it's road cycling, and by extension, he dabbles in triathlons (olympic + half ironman), so he has 3 time consuming sports to train for. So the time spent away from the family for training + events is annoying enough, but it's the road biking that gets to me the most. Not to mention the $$$$ for all of the latest high end gear + bikes + travel.

Several of his riding buddies have gotten scraped up pretty badly over the years, and it's not unheard if you follow the sport to hear of people gravely injured or killed as well. I'm sorry but whoever said it is just as safe as running is just plain wrong - any sport where you are riding at high speeds (30-40+ mph) along with people driving 4000lb SUVs while texting is a serious risk. Even if you follow all of the rules and do everything "right", you will never win an argument against a car (or a pothole on a sharp downhill turn).

And yes, he is also into all of the indoor biking options, but in the warmer months prefers to be outside. But right now he is dealing with multiple broken bones and a head injury with short-term memory and cognition issues, so I need to accompany him to all of his doctors appointments.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. Just venting. Thank you to those of you who have shared similar stories and can relate

[Anonymous]

Well, have you shared your thoughts with him on giving up the sport?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. Cycling certainly is dangerous but not to the level to make it reckless, at least in my mind. Setting that side, DH and I have both greatly reduced our times spent on separate and joint hobbies since having kids. Most parents do. I was just talking to a guy who said he went from golfing "pretty much every weekend" when he was single, to golfing once a month after he got married, to golfing a couple of times per year when the kids were little, and then increasing a little bit as they got older. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. Cycling certainly is dangerous but not to the level to make it reckless, at least in my mind. Setting that side, DH and I have both greatly reduced our times spent on separate and joint hobbies since having kids. Most parents do. I was just talking to a guy who said he went from golfing "pretty much every weekend" when he was single, to golfing once a month after he got married, to golfing a couple of times per year when the kids were little, and then increasing a little bit as they got older. That's life.

I agree with this. You have a very legitimate beef re the amount of time he spends on the hobby, as well as the money. Cycling is just to dangerous once you have kids? That seems like a stretch.

Sorry for his injuries, and the burden and stress is causes you.

[Anonymous]

Awww, I really wanted it to be shark petting.

I'm the PP who suggested getting equal time. That's what my own marriage counselor suggested when we saw her about DH's non-dangerous indoor hobby. It has helped a bit, in part because as the horsey lady said, you need something in your own life that isn't just family time. But equal time by itself isn't the whole answer: one of my neighbors triathlons and his spouse has her own thing, so their kid just wanders the neighborhood. You don't want that, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone - it's OP again.

For those of you who are absolutely dying to know, yes, it's road cycling, and by extension, he dabbles in triathlons (olympic + half ironman), so he has 3 time consuming sports to train for. So the time spent away from the family for training + events is annoying enough, but it's the road biking that gets to me the most. Not to mention the $$$$ for all of the latest high end gear + bikes + travel.

Several of his riding buddies have gotten scraped up pretty badly over the years, and it's not unheard if you follow the sport to hear of people gravely injured or killed as well. I'm sorry but whoever said it is just as safe as running is just plain wrong - any sport where you are riding at high speeds (30-40+ mph) along with people driving 4000lb SUVs while texting is a serious risk. Even if you follow all of the rules and do everything "right", you will never win an argument against a car (or a pothole on a sharp downhill turn).

And yes, he is also into all of the indoor biking options, but in the warmer months prefers to be outside. But right now he is dealing with multiple broken bones and a head injury with short-term memory and cognition issues, so I need to accompany him to all of his doctors appointments.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. Just venting. Thank you to those of you who have shared similar stories and can relate

OP, I’m so sorry and hope your DH makes a quick recovery.

My DH is a cyclist who bikes on the roads far less frequently following a near miss with a car (damaged the bike and not him, luckily). We know too many people who weren’t so lucky, enough that my DH elected to stick to trails most of the time. So no, it’s not inherently terribly dangerous - except for the cars. And you have no control over them.

I don’t have any good advice to give, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone - it's OP again.

For those of you who are absolutely dying to know, yes, it's road cycling, and by extension, he dabbles in triathlons (olympic + half ironman), so he has 3 time consuming sports to train for. So the time spent away from the family for training + events is annoying enough, but it's the road biking that gets to me the most. Not to mention the $$$$ for all of the latest high end gear + bikes + travel.

Several of his riding buddies have gotten scraped up pretty badly over the years, and it's not unheard if you follow the sport to hear of people gravely injured or killed as well. I'm sorry but whoever said it is just as safe as running is just plain wrong - any sport where you are riding at high speeds (30-40+ mph) along with people driving 4000lb SUVs while texting is a serious risk. Even if you follow all of the rules and do everything "right", you will never win an argument against a car (or a pothole on a sharp downhill turn).

And yes, he is also into all of the indoor biking options, but in the warmer months prefers to be outside. But right now he is dealing with multiple broken bones and a head injury with short-term memory and cognition issues, so I need to accompany him to all of his doctors appointments.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. Just venting. Thank you to those of you who have shared similar stories and can relate

I cant imagine the resentment. I would already be resentful of the money and time commitment unless you are meeting all of your financial obligations. Between traveling, food, training, equipment, etc- I bet its in the XX,XXX-XXX,XXX range per year.

You need to draw some boundaries and accept that if he doesnt respect them then its always going to be on you. Hobbies like this mean that you are further down the priority list, in both time and attention. AND his consumption of the free time means you likely don't have the same freedom to pursue hobbies or interests.

[Anonymous]

He can Uber to appointments

[Anonymous]

Sorry cycling is not really what I would call a dangerous hobby. Get the viara radar from garmin that will notify you if a car is approaching from the rear. Watch the rider in front of you and lookout for drivers opening their doors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry cycling is not really what I would call a dangerous hobby. Get the viara radar from garmin that will notify you if a car is approaching from the rear. Watch the rider in front of you and lookout for drivers opening their doors

Spoken like someone who has never ridden on a country road. That radar is only as good as the driver’s behavior before they are directly adjacent to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi everyone - it's OP again.

For those of you who are absolutely dying to know, yes, it's road cycling, and by extension, he dabbles in triathlons (olympic + half ironman), so he has 3 time consuming sports to train for. So the time spent away from the family for training + events is annoying enough, but it's the road biking that gets to me the most. Not to mention the $$$$ for all of the latest high end gear + bikes + travel.

Several of his riding buddies have gotten scraped up pretty badly over the years, and it's not unheard if you follow the sport to hear of people gravely injured or killed as well. I'm sorry but whoever said it is just as safe as running is just plain wrong - any sport where you are riding at high speeds (30-40+ mph) along with people driving 4000lb SUVs while texting is a serious risk. Even if you follow all of the rules and do everything "right", you will never win an argument against a car (or a pothole on a sharp downhill turn).

And yes, he is also into all of the indoor biking options, but in the warmer months prefers to be outside. But right now he is dealing with multiple broken bones and a head injury with short-term memory and cognition issues, so I need to accompany him to all of his doctors appointments.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. Just venting. Thank you to those of you who have shared similar stories and can relate

OP, I’m really sorry and hoping for a quick and full recovery. I hate to say it but he is not going to give it up if he’s performing at that level. Hopefully this makes him think very seriously about what level of risk is truly worth taking.

Dh mostly rides gravel and MTB now after a couple of road fatalities that hit a little too close to home. I have also pushed hard for early morning rides. I don’t know many other cycling wives with young kids, but we are all in agreement on that sort of thing. I got so sick of handling all of the weekend kid activities on my own and it definitely positively improved our marriage when DH started being more considerate on that front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Motorcycle.

I thought rock climbing. 🧗‍♀️

Please. It’s obviously cycling

Cycling as in bicycle? That is not a dangerous hobby and is actually a great workout.

Motorcycles on the other hand are dangerous and only douches would ride them when married with children.

Both are dangerous. Motorcycle more likely to result in organ donation. Cycling more likely to result in a broken clavicle. Since it’s an injury and her DH isn’t yet pushing up daisies, my money is on cycling.

I am a woman, a mother and have cycled 2-3x a week for years now. It is not more dangerous than running.

Oh, please. Do you run downhill at 40 mph with your feet strapped to pedals so they can't escape in case of a crash?

[Anonymous]

I agree that he should figure out how to get to the doctor and PT as needed, since you asked him not to do it and he did it anyway, and you are burderened with all the childcare and housework. He can also interview housecleaners, etc from the sofa.

I would be livid. My LH died after neglecting medical issues, and while I love him and miss him, it mades me mad that I am now alone in the world because of his choices. It is something to work out in therapy for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry cycling is not really what I would call a dangerous hobby. Get the viara radar from garmin that will notify you if a car is approaching from the rear. Watch the rider in front of you and lookout for drivers opening their doors

Spoken like someone who has never ridden on a country road. That radar is only as good as the driver’s behavior before they are directly adjacent to you.

+1 road biking is incredibly dangerous. It doesn't even have to be a car accident. A mechanical problem on a long fast descent can just as easily lead to serious injury. My spouse and I used to love biking, but when kids came along, we switched to long distance running