Injured DH
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Anonymous
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I don't even know where to start with this, but I have finally had enough time to process all of this and get my feelings down. DH and I have been married for ~5 years and have two small children. He is a great husband and father but has always been very involved in a dangerous and time consuming (not to mention expensive) hobby/sport, which I tolerated pre-kids but ever since our first was born a few years ago it has become a huge wedge issue in our marriage. I have wanted him to give it up completely since he became a dad for the amount of time and risk it poses, but he has always refused saying it is his "escape" and "joy".
Well what do you know, he was out the other week on a day trip to participate in said hobby (leaving me home with the kids for the gazillionth weekend in a row) and I get the dreaded horrible phone call from a stranger that he has been in an accident and is being taken to the ER. Fast forward a very hectic and emotional 48 hours and transfer to another larger hospital and eventual journey home, he has very serious (but ultimately not life threatening) injuries that have left him effectively bedridden for at least the next few weeks. I have moved beyond the initial extreme shock/worry/relief that he is going to be okay and am now just feeling nothing but anger towards him, that this was totally selfish and reckless and on some level he allowed this to happen by participating in said hobby, while also realizing he could have been left permanently disabled or killed from these injuries and then I feel guilty for being so mad at him. Everyone has expressed their sympathies for his situation but I feel like no one understands what I am dealing with now - I work FT and will also somehow have to manage 2 small kids, a dog, and coordinate/chauffer countless doctor and therapy appointments for DH likely for the next several months. I realize this anger is not productive and I need to find ways to channel it into something more productive/positive. I am hoping to speak with a therapist soon, but looking for any advice or perspective in the meantime. |
Anonymous
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It wont' last forever. Just buckle down and get throught it. Let non-essential things slide.
In my case, I met friends for drinks and slipped on ice walking back home and broke my ankle. I suppose one could say going out for drinks is risky since you become inebriated, but in general it's not a high-risk activity. Nonetheless, it was a trying time for us as my spouse had to pick up a lot of the slack - I couldn't drive and was on crutches for 2 months. |
Anonymous
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Agree with the above. I totally get your frustration, but for the health of your marriage, you need to reframe the way you see it.
My husband participated in a physically demanding sport for way too long. Probably two decades longer than most devotees. He had several more minor (but still hobbling) injuries over the years. Then he found he could barely walk and needed leg/knee surgery that required a long recovery. Guess who had to shoulder the entirety of childcare AND husband care? But DH will never be able to play his sport again; he’s a great husband; and ultimately, this is a blip in a long, happy marriage. Of course, I would NOT recommend extending grace and tolerance to your DH continuing his hobby after recovering! |
Anonymous
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My brother engages in a similar hobby (or maybe its the same one) so my family is very familiar with waiting on that expected phone call. That said, you chose to marry and have kids with a man who didn't want to give up the hobby. My brother's hobby has ended many relationships because they didn't want to take on that knowledge that he was putting himself in danger.
On the plus side, this may have scared him enough to stop. |
Anonymous
| Does he have good life insurance? |
Anonymous
| Maybe he will rethink the hobby now. |
Anonymous
Keep dreaming. |
Anonymous
| Why can't you just say what it is? Swimming with sharks? Professional assassin? |
Anonymous
| Motorcycle. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but this is what I immediately thought of. My husband gave his up before we got married, but I have had multiple friends seriously injured while riding, and my friends dad was killed. Not sure what to advise. Sounds like a tough situation. I’m glad he’s on the mend. |
Anonymous
+1, unfortunately I immediately thought this too |
Anonymous
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There are two issues - the danger of the sport, and the the time/expense it takes away from family. To me the second is much more damaging. I think he's a fool for risking his life when he's got a spouse and kids, but good life insurance can shield you from at least the loss of his income and help. While he's out playing, though, he's sticking you with the childcare and he's burning joint funds. You should consider (1) marriage counseling and (2) insisting on equal time and funds to do your own thing.
As for the injury, does your job not have any flexibility? Spouse's hospitalization is a pretty clear cut reason for leave of absence, at my job. Also, do you have family, neighbors, church, etc to help? You can ask for help with carpool, meal trains, etc. And have DH take a Lyft to appointments. |
Anonymous
OP, you absolutely MUST do this if you want this hobby BS to stop. He needs a taste of his own medicine to realize what a burden it is to stick you with small children for a gazillon weekends while he goes to enjoy himself. If he knows he’s going to have to put the work in to provide you with equal time, he will absolutely cut back. But you have to actually do it. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, cycling is dangerous, OP.
Clavicle? I am guessing a clavicle. Does he wear that stupid Lycra and think he is in the Tour de France? |
Anonymous
| OP can any of his buddies from this activity share the load in taking him to appts? That would be how I would try to reduce my workload. Is he the kind of person who would fully step up for you if this were flipped? If so, this is a blip in the overall scheme of things but yes, still sucks. |