Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you’ve set this up as your only opportunity to get dressed up and go on an “elegant” date. No company holiday party should be the highlight of any couple’s year. You’re an equal partner in this relationship. Why are you both going out on dates throughout the year? Why aren’t you getting dressed up for dates?

Nah, don't turn this around on the OP as if it's her fault her husband made up a stupid story (these parties are for employee bonding? Seriously?) to tell her he didn't want her there. She should have spoken up initially when he said that, because his weirdness around this annual party deserved to be pointed out and her feelings should have been expressed instead of shoved down, but it's not just about "I want to dress up and this is the one time I year I can." It's about "My DH says he has to entertain me, which makes me feel I'm in the way/an embarrasment." That's a bigger issue that more date nights won't resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re seriously over-valuing work holiday parties. Ours is about as good as it gets—massive (several thousand people) at a well-known private club in NY, live bands, food is amazing, blah blah, but it’s still just a work thing at the end. I’d probably skip it if I could.

That said I don’t want my spouse there either. It’s work. With colleagues and clients. My work persona is not my spouse persona, and I don’t want my worlds colliding.

Nothing to do with an affair or anything remotely close to that (love how all the jaded DCUMs trot that out at every opportunity). I just don’t want to mix my personal and professional lives that way. Also, yes, any hope of having fun with the colleagues and clients I like would be completely shot.

If you can’t have fun with your spouse present, it sounds like you either really dislike your spouse, or you’re putting on a false persona at work that you don’t want your spouse to know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want an “elegant evening out,” get on the stick and plan one. Make a nice dinner reservation, get Kennedy Center or opera or ballet tickets, buy seats a charity gala, etc. YOU create the evening out you want.

Another of these? Yes, absolutely she can and should do all that. It doesn't change the fact her DH fabricated a weak excuse to tell her not to come, or the fact she was so stunned she just accepted it, when going to these events had meaning for her.

I would wager they don't communicate clearly or well about other aspects of their marriage either. A lot of PPs here are not seeing the larger problem and only think the question is about this one party or about not having enough date nights.

So, OP, do you and he talk past each other like this about other things as well? Or maybe he dislikes his work and just sees the party as a chore and having you there makes him feel he has to pretend to enjoy it more? Or conversely -- maybe he wants to party without you? I'm not going to leap to "he's having an affair" unless you think there are other red flags. Is he socially awkward or something? Does he make you feel like you're a problem or in his way in other aspects of his life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You say that "Just now at dinner" he brought up this year's party so it's over and done, right? But if he brought it up just now, go to him -- don't wait and stew and seethe and feel hurt, go to him now -- and tell him wahtyou told us. Use it as a script. Why don't you speak up?

"About the holiday party discussion we just had. I need to express some things to you that are important to me. You told me four years ago that you felt you would be stuck entertaining me if I went and that it was about work colleague bonding. Clearly that changed since you mention that others bring plus ones who are significant others.

"I should have said this earlier but I'm saying it now. This was, previously, the one time a year I had an opportunithy to dress up and have a night out with you at an elegant place. I liked talking with your colleages and others there, and I don't know why you felt you had to entertain me or stay glued to my side; that was not my impression of these parties or how we interacted at them. I felt it was important to get to go someplace like that with my husband.

"But I said yes when you said you didn't want me to come any more. I was kind of stunned that you said it and I went along because I felt like I'd be in the way at a professional gathering. I regret that now because to be frank, it has hurt me ever since to think I'm someone you need to entertain, and hearing tonight that others bring plus ones, and you're socializing with them, hurts too. When you go without me, I feel as if I'm an embarrassment or you think you have to stay glued to my side or only converse with me. Why did you have that impression?"

And then stop talking and see what he says.

Keep the tone as neutral as you can and use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements, not accusatory ones. You can own your feelings. You should be able to express them to him.

You're going to get blowback here, talk of an affair blah blah because, well, DCUM. But you and he are supposed to be able to communicate and neither of you is doing that. Say out loud that you should not have agreed those few years back, but that doesn't mean you cannot have feelings about this NOW. And you do. OP, does he tend not to want you involved with anythinig re: his work? Does he discuss his day with you, his clients or customers or coworkers, how things are going, etc.? My DH talks about his work and I love to hear it and find it interesting and engaging, and he also asks about my own work. Is there a chance he just wants to compartmentalize work entirely away from home life? Why did he say he feels he needs to entertain you at a large social event with many others--Is he awkward at big parties? (In which case, I'd think he'd WANT you along to take off some of the pressure to yak it up all night long with others and their stranger significant others....)

Do not let him say, "You agree to it, you seemed fine with it, it's too late now/it's been years" etc. Tell him you were stunned when he asked but agreed because it was what he wanted and you understood him to say these were work bonding things, when it's social instead, and you have a right to feel hurt and to ask for the deal to change next year. I'd also be pretty peeved all this time over the "I feel I have to entertain you" stuff.

Script out what you want to say so you are clear and calm when you talk about it, but don't let it wait too long or he'll think you continue to be OK with this. Both of you need to speak up about your real feelings and (in his case) real reasons.

This would work if this was their only issue but I bet there is a whole lot more going on.

I wrote that too-long post and I agree with you -- this is surely not their only issue, only a symptom of something bigger -- but unless she starts owning her feelings about this ONE thing and communicating them clearly to HIM, not just to us online, they'll never make a start on the actual, bigger issues. Hence the scripting and the questions for her. You're right, though, it sounds like more must be going on.

She has only been back to note that one post attributed to her was not hers. I hope she comes back and says if this is actually just one example of a bigger lack of communication. Or if there are other signs he's got a life of which she is not a part. It's extremely typical on DCUM for a person to post about one very specific incident or problem and then it turns out that specific thing was just one small example of a much deeper problem. I actually hope not, in her case, but it's just something you see here all too frequently.

[Anonymous]

Are you clingy or needy? Are you socially awkward? Do you drink too much and act silly? How do you socialize with your husband at other social events like a wedding, neighborhood get together, etc.

Is your husband socially awkward? Is he somehow a different personality at work? Has he embellished or exaggerated stories that you might tell more honestly?

It’s odd that your spouse either doesn’t want people to meet you or feels like he can’t have fun with you present. He’s either embarrassed of you or he’s self conscious of you seeing him in a social situation.

I love going to my spouse’s work things or taking him to mine. It’s our chance to meet the people we have heard so much about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

This.

I would not be ok with my spouse not taking me to a holiday party where everyone got to bring a plus one from outside the company.

This. And his reaction to the doctor plus one makes me more suspicious.

[Anonymous]

It depresses me how many of you assume affair. Not that you are necessarily wrong, just that this is your first guess. If this is the only "red flag" I would not assume affair. I would assume that DH finds the holiday party/social interactions kind of stressful and doesn't want the added responsibility of introducing me, making extra small talk, explaining who everyone is, explaining all the office projects, etc.

Is your DH naturally introverted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you clingy or needy? Are you socially awkward? Do you drink too much and act silly? How do you socialize with your husband at other social events like a wedding, neighborhood get together, etc.

Is your husband socially awkward? Is he somehow a different personality at work? Has he embellished or exaggerated stories that you might tell more honestly?

It’s odd that your spouse either doesn’t want people to meet you or feels like he can’t have fun with you present. He’s either embarrassed of you or he’s self conscious of you seeing him in a social situation.

I love going to my spouse’s work things or taking him to mine. It’s our chance to meet the people we have heard so much about.

DP here. This response comes closest to my way of thinking. Not a single other poster suggested that OP do any inward looking beyond asking why this is the only dressy affair the couple goes to each year. It could very well be that OP is socially awkward and requires a lot of attention and that bringing her to his work party is exhausting for him. I for one appreciate his honesty.

Our company had a long history of not inviting guests to its holiday party, which my spouse was perfectly fine with, but it eventually reneged after years of complaints by the clingy few that the policy was not family friendly, set employees up to get in trouble with each other, sent the wrong message, etc. Then my spouse started to go and wished the policy never changed. They’d always just pair up with the same spouses of colleagues, suffer through it with them, and be glad when it was over. It was easier to do that then skip the event and raise eyebrows and get the gossipers going.

If I were OP I’d be grateful and appreciative of my spouse’s honesty.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your company culture is different from mine. We see each other all the time - the whole point of the holiday party is to include our spouses.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you clingy or needy? Are you socially awkward? Do you drink too much and act silly? How do you socialize with your husband at other social events like a wedding, neighborhood get together, etc.

Is your husband socially awkward? Is he somehow a different personality at work? Has he embellished or exaggerated stories that you might tell more honestly?

It’s odd that your spouse either doesn’t want people to meet you or feels like he can’t have fun with you present. He’s either embarrassed of you or he’s self conscious of you seeing him in a social situation.

I love going to my spouse’s work things or taking him to mine. It’s our chance to meet the people we have heard so much about.

DP here. This response comes closest to my way of thinking. Not a single other poster suggested that OP do any inward looking beyond asking why this is the only dressy affair the couple goes to each year. It could very well be that OP is socially awkward and requires a lot of attention and that bringing her to his work party is exhausting for him. I for one appreciate his honesty.

Our company had a long history of not inviting guests to its holiday party, which my spouse was perfectly fine with, but it eventually reneged after years of complaints by the clingy few that the policy was not family friendly, set employees up to get in trouble with each other, sent the wrong message, etc. Then my spouse started to go and wished the policy never changed. They’d always just pair up with the same spouses of colleagues, suffer through it with them, and be glad when it was over. It was easier to do that then skip the event and raise eyebrows and get the gossipers going.

If I were OP I’d be grateful and appreciative of my spouse’s honesty.

Plenty of other posters suggested this, starting on the first page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Is he a lawyer in a big law firm by chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Is he a lawyer in a big law firm by chance?

OP again, no he is not but works in a very similar type of firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Thanks for shedding more light on this. My guess is that you’ve let him know pretty clearly that you don’t like the way he conducts himself at the party and he doesn’t want you there to cramp his style or make him feel judged. I get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Thanks for shedding more light on this. My guess is that you’ve let him know pretty clearly that you don’t like the way he conducts himself at the party and he doesn’t want you there to cramp his style or make him feel judged. I get that.

Thank you! While I never made comments from his behavior at the holiday party, I have made comments about being careful about going to the after parties and that with all that drinking, it could get him in trouble.

It could very well be that he would feel judged and uncomfortable with me there. I guess the issue is deeper. Why does he need to act like a 20 year old? I wonder if the younger folks want him around. ot worse, perhaps a girl does want him around.