Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Thanks for shedding more light on this. My guess is that you’ve let him know pretty clearly that you don’t like the way he conducts himself at the party and he doesn’t want you there to cramp his style or make him feel judged. I get that.

Thank you! While I never made comments from his behavior at the holiday party, I have made comments about being careful about going to the after parties and that with all that drinking, it could get him in trouble.

It could very well be that he would feel judged and uncomfortable with me there. I guess the issue is deeper. Why does he need to act like a 20 year old? I wonder if the younger folks want him around. ot worse, perhaps a girl does want him around.

Well, OP, all I can say is this: if he wants to be around 20 somethings and/or has a girlfriend, you attending a once-a-year holiday party with his colleagues isn’t going to stop any of that from happening.

My guess is that he just wants to be the “cool” boss. It happens. And there are worse things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is so glad they stopped inviting family. He would come and just awkwardly not talk to people and never really remembered who anyone was. It was awkward all around. I’d guess he has no idea that this was important to you. Did you tell him everything you told us? He should at least find a different way for you to get dressed up. Get tickets to the kenedy center and go someplace fancy for dinner first. (This might incentivize him to bring you to the party depending on how much he hates the theater.).

Despite your spouse's awkwardness, did you keep inviting him along? THat's the key here.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a mid-life crisis. I've seen a lot of middle age guys trying to hang with the 20 something crowd at work. Not good look and some get themselves into trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depresses me how many of you assume affair. Not that you are necessarily wrong, just that this is your first guess. If this is the only "red flag" I would not assume affair. I would assume that DH finds the holiday party/social interactions kind of stressful and doesn't want the added responsibility of introducing me, making extra small talk, explaining who everyone is, explaining all the office projects, etc.

Is your DH naturally introverted?

Truthfully, I assume the people who don't bring their spouse *year after year* have unspoken household trouble. Unfortunately, it usually proves true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be furious. He knows spouses are allowed but just doesn’t want to entertain you? First of all, what a mean thing to say. Second, why would he choose to hang out with work colleagues over you? You’re a consultant. I guarantee you’re going to be able to hold your own at that party. In fact, do you think he’s worried that you might steal his thunder? Either way, I would not let this go. I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, how he made you feel, make him clarify his position, and then listen to your gut. Good luck, OP.

Furious?? Some of you get mad and offended a the drop of a hat.

[Anonymous]

How nasty, op. He married you, so even if you are one of those people who someone would look at and think “I don’t know how he puts up with her”, he did marry so he has to treat you well.. either that or divorce. As I told my husband once”they don’t have to like me, but you do, or you need to tell me so we can end the marriage”. I meant it too.. your spouse is the only person who has to like you… either that or not remain married.

I’m sorry you put up with this. I agree totally with the person who told you to tell your spouse that you agreed to it because that’s what he wanted, you changed your mind and you are no longer agreeing with it.
I
also think there are a bunch of meanies on here telling you to “get over it” “find other things to do” and the like, the fact is, they all have the option to go to their spouses’ events, or more correctly perhaps, they are not told explicitly by their spouse they are not wanted. This sort of thing is heartbreaking, way worse then a boyfriend.. it’s easy enough to get another one of those, and way more painful then exclusion by other women, at least you can go hang out with other women, there’s not much you can do with a spouse who doesn’t want you around yet still expects to be married. No way would I put up with this, divorce is as easy as it’s ever been, if your spouse doesn’t like you (and I do mean like) he can end the marriage. The days are gone where anybody has to put up with anybody else.

I’d also be looking for an affair or that he may be in some kind of trouble at work. I’m sorry, op. You didn’t get to go to a party which turned out to be the last fun one for awhile and you had to ride out the pandemic with someone who treats you so poorly… and people wonder why domestic tension has gone up. I say this tongue in cheek, but really op, I don’t know how you put up with this for as long as you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your company culture is different from mine. We see each other all the time - the whole point of the holiday party is to include our spouses.

One of my favorite colleagues who is incredibly social always plans work events to include a plus one. Honestly, for years, I thought this just reflected that he's always in a relationship, but he had an interesting perspective: if it's just colleagues, they inevitable default at some point to telling work war stories and start talking about TP reports. Plus ones help make the conversation more interesting and diverse.

[Anonymous]

I’d be really hurt, especially if he didn’t try to make it up to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re seriously over-valuing work holiday parties. Ours is about as good as it gets—massive (several thousand people) at a well-known private club in NY, live bands, food is amazing, blah blah, but it’s still just a work thing at the end. I’d probably skip it if I could.

That said I don’t want my spouse there either. It’s work. With colleagues and clients. My work persona is not my spouse persona, and I don’t want my worlds colliding.

Nothing to do with an affair or anything remotely close to that (love how all the jaded DCUMs trot that out at every opportunity). I just don’t want to mix my personal and professional lives that way. Also, yes, any hope of having fun with the colleagues and clients I like would be completely shot.

This is super weird. My spouse is one of my best friends. It would not be cramping my style to have him at a huge party where he would likely mingle and find some interesting people to hang out with. We would enjoy seeing each other and chatting and flirting at points through the evening but I would not feel I had to entertain him. And same if I went with him (though I doubt I’d really want to, but maybe once just to see what it was like)… I’d totally socialize on my own. If you don’t feel you can trust your spouse in public to reflect well on you and to hold their own, do you really like and respect them as a person?

It’s weird to you, but not to the PP or to others. So…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re seriously over-valuing work holiday parties. Ours is about as good as it gets—massive (several thousand people) at a well-known private club in NY, live bands, food is amazing, blah blah, but it’s still just a work thing at the end. I’d probably skip it if I could.

That said I don’t want my spouse there either. It’s work. With colleagues and clients. My work persona is not my spouse persona, and I don’t want my worlds colliding.

Nothing to do with an affair or anything remotely close to that (love how all the jaded DCUMs trot that out at every opportunity). I just don’t want to mix my personal and professional lives that way. Also, yes, any hope of having fun with the colleagues and clients I like would be completely shot.

If you can’t have fun with your spouse present, it sounds like you either really dislike your spouse, or you’re putting on a false persona at work that you don’t want your spouse to know about.

It’s interesting that you want to judge this. Some people compartmentalize their lives a bit, and that’s okay It doesn’t mean they dislike their spouse or they’re having an affair. Both parties need to just be very upfront about their feelings and behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

[Anonymous]

You should’ve talked to him from the get go. It’s not that he didn’t want to bring you per de (but that too) it’s his sneaky way of UN-inviting you. I would have already had a talk with him when the conversation first came up but now you can discuss as others have said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Did he change his wardrobe recently? My exH started wearing light pink and blue shorts, Rolex and Burberry when he began an affair. He was not into dress code before that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Did he change his wardrobe recently? My exH started wearing light pink and blue shorts, Rolex and Burberry when he began an affair. He was not into dress code before that

OP here, I think before I jump to conclusions, I need to have a heart to heart with him. Has he changed his clothing? Somewhat. Could he have a work crush? Perhaps, but that wouldn’t bother me. We are human and hormones exist. Him taking action would be the problem and I don’t think he has.

Thanks again to everyone for your insight. I think I’ve found the answers and direction I needed.

Now…back to work.