Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Did he change his wardrobe recently? My exH started wearing light pink and blue shorts, Rolex and Burberry when he began an affair. He was not into dress code before that

OP here, I think before I jump to conclusions, I need to have a heart to heart with him. Has he changed his clothing? Somewhat. Could he have a work crush? Perhaps, but that wouldn’t bother me. We are human and hormones exist. Him taking action would be the problem and I don’t think he has.

Thanks again to everyone for your insight. I think I’ve found the answers and direction I needed.

Now…back to work.

If it's a fling it shouldn't bother you,but if he doesn't want you present at work parties for a few years it's a long term affair. Check if he has other bank accounts, hidden loans etc. there are services that offer it with SSN.
I found bank transfers for over $300K to pay for an apartment and her life abroad; jewelry purchases, and a home equity loan he failed to disclosed for $900K before I filed for divorce. Physical and financial infidelity go hand by hand

[Anonymous]

I understand the posts about not wanting mixing work and family. But — if most people bring their SO and your DH does not, given everything else going on (the grooming the after parties, etc), it’s really odd. My bet: he doesn’t want you to see some kind of dynamics going on with your own eyes.

[Anonymous]

Holly h3ll, those are big red flags. I'd be super upset. I've told DH not to talk about work stuff at the xmas party I took him to (he works in the same industry), and he got miffed about it. Then realized that he was wrong to be upset and apologized, and we had fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depresses me how many of you assume affair. Not that you are necessarily wrong, just that this is your first guess. If this is the only "red flag" I would not assume affair. I would assume that DH finds the holiday party/social interactions kind of stressful and doesn't want the added responsibility of introducing me, making extra small talk, explaining who everyone is, explaining all the office projects, etc.

Is your DH naturally introverted?

Truthfully, I assume the people who don't bring their spouse *year after year* have unspoken household trouble. Unfortunately, it usually proves true.

Agree.

I don’t like to go because it looks like I’m on board with their f’d up work culture where they work all the time have early and late calls from home and on the weekend. I think it sux, plus all the drama and infighting I barely hear about. Then he wants me to go to some dinner and act like I think they’re all awesome? And stand in wonderment when so many people quit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Op, my ex did the exact same thing when he was cheating on me. My gut thought it was a red flag, but when I brought it up he made me feel like I was crazy. I would mention it and see how he reacts. If he gets super defensive, major red flag.

[Anonymous]

You should read the book “Happens Every Day” by Isabel Gillies.

She goes through all of the changes in mannerisms, etc. that she noticed in her husband when he was cheating on her with a colleague. It’s a memoir that reads like a novel.

[Anonymous]

Either an affair or he is ashamed of you.

[Anonymous]

Do others bring their spouses? If so weird. My work parties are in our lobby right at 5pm and no one brings dates. They feel like a direct extension of work, because they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either an affair or he is ashamed of you.

These are the only plausible scenarios that I can think of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be really hurt by this, OP. My initial reaction is that your DH is having an affair either with someone at work or with someone colleagues have met and he didn’t want any slip ups.

.

+1 came to post the same thing

[Anonymous]

I have not read the entire thread but it is costly to have a Plus1 Christmas party and generally there is a lot of discussion at the Owner level of the company prior to making the plans.

If it is a Plus1 Christmas party the owners and bosses want the Plus1's to get extended an invitation and to attend.

My employer gives out $200 - $500 in cash to Plus1's in attendance and employees get a chance to win $3000.

The owners and bosses really make an effort to make a nice event for the Plus1's.

OP, I would be really, really hurt by not being invited.

[Anonymous]

OP, if nothing else, he's putting himself at risk by trying to ingratiate with the younger crowd. Without a wife/partner present, plenty of senior people have gotten in trouble with either real or perceived improprieties. Or falsified he-said/she-said situations.

Even if he's not having an affair - or trying to position himself for one - he's not being professionally safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do others bring their spouses? If so weird. My work parties are in our lobby right at 5pm and no one brings dates. They feel like a direct extension of work, because they are.

Yeah that’s not the kind of event OP is talking about. DH’s office has some parties that are employees only, some where spouses/SOs are expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Did he change his wardrobe recently? My exH started wearing light pink and blue shorts, Rolex and Burberry when he began an affair. He was not into dress code before that

OP here, I think before I jump to conclusions, I need to have a heart to heart with him. Has he changed his clothing? Somewhat. Could he have a work crush? Perhaps, but that wouldn’t bother me. We are human and hormones exist. Him taking action would be the problem and I don’t think he has.

Thanks again to everyone for your insight. I think I’ve found the answers and direction I needed.

Now…back to work.

OP, I'm saying this kindly, but not inviting you IS deliberate action if this is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want an “elegant evening out,” get on the stick and plan one. Make a nice dinner reservation, get Kennedy Center or opera or ballet tickets, buy seats a charity gala, etc. YOU create the evening out you want.

That’s not the point. I think OP wants her husband to be proud to be seen out with her in a work context. Reasonable.