Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

[Anonymous]

I don’t want my family anywhere near my work life, and he clearly doesn’t want you there.

If you want to dress up to go out, find a way to do that. This ain’t it.

[Anonymous]

I wish my Dh would leave me home. I absolutely hate going to his holiday party. I know several of the spouses. I know his partners and they politely chit chat with me. It is pretty painful but I go.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. His actions do seem odd. They're worth a frank discussion at a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You say that "Just now at dinner" he brought up this year's party so it's over and done, right? But if he brought it up just now, go to him -- don't wait and stew and seethe and feel hurt, go to him now -- and tell him wahtyou told us. Use it as a script. Why don't you speak up?

"About the holiday party discussion we just had. I need to express some things to you that are important to me. You told me four years ago that you felt you would be stuck entertaining me if I went and that it was about work colleague bonding. Clearly that changed since you mention that others bring plus ones who are significant others.

"I should have said this earlier but I'm saying it now. This was, previously, the one time a year I had an opportunithy to dress up and have a night out with you at an elegant place. I liked talking with your colleages and others there, and I don't know why you felt you had to entertain me or stay glued to my side; that was not my impression of these parties or how we interacted at them. I felt it was important to get to go someplace like that with my husband.

"But I said yes when you said you didn't want me to come any more. I was kind of stunned that you said it and I went along because I felt like I'd be in the way at a professional gathering. I regret that now because to be frank, it has hurt me ever since to think I'm someone you need to entertain, and hearing tonight that others bring plus ones, and you're socializing with them, hurts too. When you go without me, I feel as if I'm an embarrassment or you think you have to stay glued to my side or only converse with me. Why did you have that impression?"

And then stop talking and see what he says.

Keep the tone as neutral as you can and use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements, not accusatory ones. You can own your feelings. You should be able to express them to him.

You're going to get blowback here, talk of an affair blah blah because, well, DCUM. But you and he are supposed to be able to communicate and neither of you is doing that. Say out loud that you should not have agreed those few years back, but that doesn't mean you cannot have feelings about this NOW. And you do. OP, does he tend not to want you involved with anythinig re: his work? Does he discuss his day with you, his clients or customers or coworkers, how things are going, etc.? My DH talks about his work and I love to hear it and find it interesting and engaging, and he also asks about my own work. Is there a chance he just wants to compartmentalize work entirely away from home life? Why did he say he feels he needs to entertain you at a large social event with many others--Is he awkward at big parties? (In which case, I'd think he'd WANT you along to take off some of the pressure to yak it up all night long with others and their stranger significant others....)

Do not let him say, "You agree to it, you seemed fine with it, it's too late now/it's been years" etc. Tell him you were stunned when he asked but agreed because it was what he wanted and you understood him to say these were work bonding things, when it's social instead, and you have a right to feel hurt and to ask for the deal to change next year. I'd also be pretty peeved all this time over the "I feel I have to entertain you" stuff.

Script out what you want to say so you are clear and calm when you talk about it, but don't let it wait too long or he'll think you continue to be OK with this. Both of you need to speak up about your real feelings and (in his case) real reasons.

This would work if this was their only issue but I bet there is a whole lot more going on.

[Anonymous]

I would be really hurt by this, OP. My initial reaction is that your DH is having an affair either with someone at work or with someone colleagues have met and he didn’t want any slip ups.

[Anonymous]

I would be furious. He knows spouses are allowed but just doesn’t want to entertain you? First of all, what a mean thing to say. Second, why would he choose to hang out with work colleagues over you? You’re a consultant. I guarantee you’re going to be able to hold your own at that party. In fact, do you think he’s worried that you might steal his thunder? Either way, I would not let this go. I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, how he made you feel, make him clarify his position, and then listen to your gut. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Np. I would be hurt by this too, OP. definitely warrants a larger conversation.

[Anonymous]

I know someone that would do this and he just got fired for being a predator in the workplace. He was married but only the men in the office knew that. He would "mentor" younger girls and essentially groom them. It was well documented too. Anyway, I think something very not good is going on with your husband at work.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like taking DH to work parties because he always dominates conversations and overshadows me. I still bring him because I know he’d be upset if I didn’t, but I’d prefer to go alone.

[Anonymous]

I fail to see the problem. I’d be thrilled if I didn’t have to go to my wife’s office holiday party.

[Anonymous]

Just crash it

Many parties aren’t plus one because it gets too costly and doubles the venue size. But if majority of people over age 30 are bring spouses and pay $$ for sitters, go.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like going because I feel like I’m propping him up as a nice married guy with kids and he’s actually an a-hole and absentee father.

[Anonymous]

Does he know that you’d like to go? I’m thrilled to be able to skip DH’s holiday parties, but it would be different if I wanted to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is so glad they stopped inviting family. He would come and just awkwardly not talk to people and never really remembered who anyone was. It was awkward all around. I’d guess he has no idea that this was important to you. Did you tell him everything you told us? He should at least find a different way for you to get dressed up. Get tickets to the kenedy center and go someplace fancy for dinner first. (This might incentivize him to bring you to the party depending on how much he hates the theater.).

I would also vastly prefer going to the theatre!

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with DH and I’m definitely not cheating, but I tell him to stay home from my work events. It’s just simpler for me without a plus one.