Reply to Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
You say that "Just now at dinner" he brought up this year's party so it's over and done, right? But if he brought it up just now, go to him -- don't wait and stew and seethe and feel hurt, go to him now -- and tell him wahtyou told us. Use it as a script. Why don't you speak up?

"About the holiday party discussion we just had. I need to express some things to you that are important to me. You told me four years ago that you felt you would be stuck entertaining me if I went and that it was about work colleague bonding. Clearly that changed since you mention that others bring plus ones who are significant others.

"I should have said this earlier but I'm saying it now. This was, previously, the one time a year I had an opportunithy to dress up and have a night out with you at an elegant place. I liked talking with your colleages and others there, and I don't know why you felt you had to entertain me or stay glued to my side; that was not my impression of these parties or how we interacted at them. I felt it was important to get to go someplace like that with my husband.

"But I said yes when you said you didn't want me to come any more. I was kind of stunned that you said it and I went along because I felt like I'd be in the way at a professional gathering. I regret that now because to be frank, it has hurt me ever since to think I'm someone you need to entertain, and hearing tonight that others bring plus ones, and you're socializing with them, hurts too. When you go without me, I feel as if I'm an embarrassment or you think you have to stay glued to my side or only converse with me. Why did you have that impression?"

And then stop talking and see what he says.

Keep the tone as neutral as you can and use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements, not accusatory ones. You can own your feelings. You should be able to express them to him.

You're going to get blowback here, talk of an affair blah blah because, well, DCUM. But you and he are supposed to be able to communicate and neither of you is doing that. Say out loud that you should not have agreed those few years back, but that doesn't mean you cannot have feelings about this NOW. And you do. OP, does he tend not to want you involved with anythinig re: his work? Does he discuss his day with you, his clients or customers or coworkers, how things are going, etc.? My DH talks about his work and I love to hear it and find it interesting and engaging, and he also asks about my own work. Is there a chance he just wants to compartmentalize work entirely away from home life? Why did he say he feels he needs to entertain you at a large social event with many others--Is he awkward at big parties? (In which case, I'd think he'd WANT you along to take off some of the pressure to yak it up all night long with others and their stranger significant others....)

Do not let him say, "You agree to it, you seemed fine with it, it's too late now/it's been years" etc. Tell him you were stunned when he asked but agreed because it was what he wanted and you understood him to say these were work bonding things, when it's social instead, and you have a right to feel hurt and to ask for the deal to change next year. I'd also be pretty peeved all this time over the "I feel I have to entertain you" stuff.

Script out what you want to say so you are clear and calm when you talk about it, but don't let it wait too long or he'll think you continue to be OK with this. Both of you need to speak up about your real feelings and (in his case) real reasons. [/quote]

This would work if this was their only issue but I bet there is a whole lot more going on.[/quote]

I wrote that too-long post and I agree with you -- this is surely not their only issue, only a symptom of something bigger -- but unless she starts owning her feelings about this ONE thing and communicating them clearly to HIM, not just to us online, they'll never make a start on the actual, bigger issues. Hence the scripting and the questions for her. You're right, though, it sounds like more must be going on.

She has only been back to note that one post attributed to her was not hers. I hope she comes back and says if this is actually just one example of a bigger lack of communication. Or if there are other signs he's got a life of which she is not a part. It's extremely typical on DCUM for a person to post about one very specific incident or problem and then it turns out that specific thing was just one small example of a much deeper problem. I actually hope not, in her case, but it's just something you see here all too frequently.[/quote]

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