Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

[Anonymous]

About 4 years back, spouse awkwardly told me that it didn’t make sense for me to be his plus one. According to spouse, the company holiday party is for staff to bond and spouse felt that he wouldn’t be able to do so because he would be stuck entertaining me, if I went.

I was stunned and remember sitting down on the stairs as he told me and just nodded when he said it made sense he go alone. It still hurts. It was the only opportunity a year where I got to get dressed up. I would buy a nice cocktail dress and sometimes get my hair done. More importantly, it was also nice to go on a date with my husband to an elegant affair.

This year was the first year they had a traditional holiday party again. He casually mentioned it and that he wouldn't be home. Just now at dinner, he mentioned how he was talking about a family medical issue with a doctor at the holiday party. I asked, “Oh, I thought it was the company holiday party. So did other companies attend too!” His response, “Well yeah but people were allowed a plus one…[awkward mumble..cleared throat]… she was Larlo’s girlfriend.”

I work too but as a consultant so don’t get invited to company holiday parties.

Anyhow, just feeling super bummed. I feel like he is ashamed of me and I’m no 10 but I do turn heads and there are
men who put out feelers at the companies I contract with. Not even sure how to sort out my feelings on all this aside from being plain hurt.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned he was having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don’t like taking my DH. I do feel like I kind of have to babysit - even though he is a very extroverted person. At these events I can mingle and be a little more of myself if I’m alone. I’m great a small talk and making other people feel good about themselves so it’s easy to win friends at these things. I’m also always worried my DH will say something stupid that will reflect poorly on me. For those reasons, I go alone.

I may be selfish, but it’s one night.

[Anonymous]

You're being overly sensitive about this. Work is work even if they let people bring dates most people probably didnt.

[Anonymous]

Quit focusing on your hurt feelings (which are understandable) and start a reconaissance mission. Something is going on at work party. You work, you are presentable, what do you feel like his true issue is? Does he criticize your appearance, your mode of conversing, your alcohol consumption? Do you think he might be cheating?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. Why do you think he might be embarrassed by you? Could it be something OTHER than looks? Do you drink too much? Are you shy? Over talkative? Raciest? Sexiest? Dumb? So many reasons to be embarrassed by your spouse. Not in a good way tho

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

This.

I would not be ok with my spouse not taking me to a holiday party where everyone got to bring a plus one from outside the company.

[Anonymous]

The work holiday party is kind of an awkward thing, and he may just be more comfortable going solo and sharing less of his personal life, but it's a shame you feel so hurt.

Can you guys dress up and go out for a fancy date somewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

This.

I would not be ok with my spouse not taking me to a holiday party where everyone got to bring a plus one from outside the company.

That said, I will add that if your most exciting event of the year is a work holiday party, you guys need to spice up your dating life. Plan some fun stuff for you guys that isn’t the work holiday party.

[Anonymous]

Mine stopped taking me to work parties and travel when he began an affair with colleague. I was the last one to find out. I would start snooping his electronics and whereabouts

[Anonymous]

My spouse is so glad they stopped inviting family. He would come and just awkwardly not talk to people and never really remembered who anyone was. It was awkward all around. I’d guess he has no idea that this was important to you. Did you tell him everything you told us? He should at least find a different way for you to get dressed up. Get tickets to the kenedy center and go someplace fancy for dinner first. (This might incentivize him to bring you to the party depending on how much he hates the theater.).

[Anonymous]

You say that "Just now at dinner" he brought up this year's party so it's over and done, right? But if he brought it up just now, go to him -- don't wait and stew and seethe and feel hurt, go to him now -- and tell him wahtyou told us. Use it as a script. Why don't you speak up?

"About the holiday party discussion we just had. I need to express some things to you that are important to me. You told me four years ago that you felt you would be stuck entertaining me if I went and that it was about work colleague bonding. Clearly that changed since you mention that others bring plus ones who are significant others.

"I should have said this earlier but I'm saying it now. This was, previously, the one time a year I had an opportunithy to dress up and have a night out with you at an elegant place. I liked talking with your colleages and others there, and I don't know why you felt you had to entertain me or stay glued to my side; that was not my impression of these parties or how we interacted at them. I felt it was important to get to go someplace like that with my husband.

"But I said yes when you said you didn't want me to come any more. I was kind of stunned that you said it and I went along because I felt like I'd be in the way at a professional gathering. I regret that now because to be frank, it has hurt me ever since to think I'm someone you need to entertain, and hearing tonight that others bring plus ones, and you're socializing with them, hurts too. When you go without me, I feel as if I'm an embarrassment or you think you have to stay glued to my side or only converse with me. Why did you have that impression?"

And then stop talking and see what he says.

Keep the tone as neutral as you can and use "When you do X, I feel Y" statements, not accusatory ones. You can own your feelings. You should be able to express them to him.

You're going to get blowback here, talk of an affair blah blah because, well, DCUM. But you and he are supposed to be able to communicate and neither of you is doing that. Say out loud that you should not have agreed those few years back, but that doesn't mean you cannot have feelings about this NOW. And you do. OP, does he tend not to want you involved with anythinig re: his work? Does he discuss his day with you, his clients or customers or coworkers, how things are going, etc.? My DH talks about his work and I love to hear it and find it interesting and engaging, and he also asks about my own work. Is there a chance he just wants to compartmentalize work entirely away from home life? Why did he say he feels he needs to entertain you at a large social event with many others--Is he awkward at big parties? (In which case, I'd think he'd WANT you along to take off some of the pressure to yak it up all night long with others and their stranger significant others....)

Do not let him say, "You agree to it, you seemed fine with it, it's too late now/it's been years" etc. Tell him you were stunned when he asked but agreed because it was what he wanted and you understood him to say these were work bonding things, when it's social instead, and you have a right to feel hurt and to ask for the deal to change next year. I'd also be pretty peeved all this time over the "I feel I have to entertain you" stuff.

Script out what you want to say so you are clear and calm when you talk about it, but don't let it wait too long or he'll think you continue to be OK with this. Both of you need to speak up about your real feelings and (in his case) real reasons.

[Anonymous]

You all may think I am arrogant but really, I am quite charming. My clients send me in to win big jobs by presenting and having good charisma. I tend to connect well with people and win over prospects.

I am not gorgeous but pretty.No, I do not say ignorant things. I’m pretty cultured. anyhow, I do wonder if there is something going on.

And yes, we don’t have much going on. Dates are only when other couples invite us out on a double date. Never ever do we do it alone. sigh..clearly we have other issues and perhaps I have been in denial.

[Anonymous]

Are there other issues in your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine stopped taking me to work parties and travel when he began an affair with colleague. I was the last one to find out. I would start snooping his electronics and whereabouts

+1