Spouse doesn’t want you at work holiday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Op, my ex did the exact same thing when he was cheating on me. My gut thought it was a red flag, but when I brought it up he made me feel like I was crazy. I would mention it and see how he reacts. If he gets super defensive, major red flag.

Totally sounds like an affair. Sounds so much like what happened to a friend (her spouse was in a senior position but going out with the 20-somethings, the grooming, etc). I would start investigating (not confronting yet because if he's cheating, you can expect denial + gaslighting and possible lashing out, but actually investigating).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have more fun at work events without my husband there. I suggest you and your DH get dressed up and have a nice night out on the town once in a while. And if you’re a consultant, can you join organizations that will let you have work-related social events?

For all the people who have more fun without their spouse, can’t let their hair down without their spouse, don’t want their spouse to see their work persona -
What do you think that says about your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

I think what that PP meant by "that last line is too much" is that he's CLEARLY, 100% having an affair if he's grooming his pubes before going out and you can't possibly be this gullible.

[Anonymous]

Agree this sounds shady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

+1 it's one thing if you don't want to go, or the logistics don't seem worthwhile (babysitter etc)

I can't imagine being the one to tell my DH not to come esp if he wanted to. And given that clearly some SOs do attend.

Plenty of holiday parties are not +1, so if a company is choosing that, then clearly that's the setup and you should feel wanted and welcome by your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fail to see the problem. I’d be thrilled if I didn’t have to go to my wife’s office holiday party.

Choosing not to go is VERY different from our own spouse not wanting you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re seriously over-valuing work holiday parties. Ours is about as good as it gets—massive (several thousand people) at a well-known private club in NY, live bands, food is amazing, blah blah, but it’s still just a work thing at the end. I’d probably skip it if I could.

That said I don’t want my spouse there either. It’s work. With colleagues and clients. My work persona is not my spouse persona, and I don’t want my worlds colliding.

Nothing to do with an affair or anything remotely close to that (love how all the jaded DCUMs trot that out at every opportunity). I just don’t want to mix my personal and professional lives that way. Also, yes, any hope of having fun with the colleagues and clients I like would be completely shot.

This is super weird. My spouse is one of my best friends. It would not be cramping my style to have him at a huge party where he would likely mingle and find some interesting people to hang out with. We would enjoy seeing each other and chatting and flirting at points through the evening but I would not feel I had to entertain him. And same if I went with him (though I doubt I’d really want to, but maybe once just to see what it was like)… I’d totally socialize on my own. If you don’t feel you can trust your spouse in public to reflect well on you and to hold their own, do you really like and respect them as a person?

I had a similar reaction to a number of these posts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Did he change his wardrobe recently? My exH started wearing light pink and blue shorts, Rolex and Burberry when he began an affair. He was not into dress code before that

OP here, I think before I jump to conclusions, I need to have a heart to heart with him. Has he changed his clothing? Somewhat. Could he have a work crush? Perhaps, but that wouldn’t bother me. We are human and hormones exist. Him taking action would be the problem and I don’t think he has.

Thanks again to everyone for your insight. I think I’ve found the answers and direction I needed.

Now…back to work.

OP, I'm saying this kindly, but not inviting you IS deliberate action if this is true.

Yeah, OP, do some quiet investigating before you confront in any way. He’s already shown enough of his cards (including a lack of respect and sensitivity towards you). A talk isn’t going to get you anymore, and just gives him an opening to gaslight you. This situation isn’t sitting well with you for good reason. Until you have some clarity, I would also avoid sleeping with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

I would be suspicious, not concerned.

OP, do you truly not know what the deal is/what this is about? Because it seems really strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Hoo boy. I suggest a PI and a good divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more fun at work events without my husband there. I suggest you and your DH get dressed up and have a nice night out on the town once in a while. And if you’re a consultant, can you join organizations that will let you have work-related social events?

For all the people who have more fun without their spouse, can’t let their hair down without their spouse, don’t want their spouse to see their work persona -
What do you think that says about your marriage?

+1. And I don't have a picture perfect marriage by any means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more fun at work events without my husband there. I suggest you and your DH get dressed up and have a nice night out on the town once in a while. And if you’re a consultant, can you join organizations that will let you have work-related social events?

For all the people who have more fun without their spouse, can’t let their hair down without their spouse, don’t want their spouse to see their work persona -
What do you think that says about your marriage?

I felt this way in my early 20s, even though I was completely smitten with my dh. But I was also the only early-20-something in my office WITH a dh, and even though we were allowed to bring dates, nobody my age did. It wasn't like it was a terrible experience to bring him, but it felt sort of like it would feel now if I brought him to my bookclub.

I can imagine many other scenarios where it would be genuinely uncomfortable or professionally risky: ie, you're gay and disclose that selectively at work. Or you work with people who are very different in politics or generation or outlook and have reason to think they might judge your spouse or make uncomfortable comments to him/her. Or your spouse is being treated for cancer and you don't want to disclose that. There are many reasons you might choose to protect your own personal life from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have more fun at work events without my husband there. I suggest you and your DH get dressed up and have a nice night out on the town once in a while. And if you’re a consultant, can you join organizations that will let you have work-related social events?

For all the people who have more fun without their spouse, can’t let their hair down without their spouse, don’t want their spouse to see their work persona -
What do you think that says about your marriage?

I felt this way in my early 20s, even though I was completely smitten with my dh. But I was also the only early-20-something in my office WITH a dh, and even though we were allowed to bring dates, nobody my age did. It wasn't like it was a terrible experience to bring him, but it felt sort of like it would feel now if I brought him to my bookclub.

I can imagine many other scenarios where it would be genuinely uncomfortable or professionally risky: ie, you're gay and disclose that selectively at work. Or you work with people who are very different in politics or generation or outlook and have reason to think they might judge your spouse or make uncomfortable comments to him/her. Or your spouse is being treated for cancer and you don't want to disclose that. There are many reasons you might choose to protect your own personal life from work.

But no one is saying it's for those types of sensitive and understandable reasons. Just that they find it less enjoyable with spouse there or worry about mixing work and home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all.

Yes, there are bigger issues. We have become distant. The standard two ships passing at night. I try to hold on to normalcy and it hurts that he just doesn’t want me there.

He and I both are both talkative fun people. I can hold my own, am well educated and cultured. However, I recognize the environment and tone it down because that night is not about me, it’s about him. I talk him up, try to connect with his colleagues and spouses, all that stuff. I don’t think it’s what I am doing in particular.

I do think he tries to fit in with the younger crowd at work. We are in our 40s and he has a very senior position. It’s not a good look in my opinion when he wants to rub elbows with the younger folks. Perhaps that is why? Early on, we would sit with our peers and have a great time but in recent years, he just wants to mingle with the younger folks and go to the after parties.

I did tell him, regarding other work events that I do not attend, that he really shouldn’t be going to the after parties. I pointedly asked him once, did any other senior level person go? The answer was no.

Perhaps he wants to stay young and having his 40
something wife and mother of his kids next to him takes away the fantasy.

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Oh, come on. That last line is too much lol

OP here. Haha! Thanks for making me laugh at myself. I needed that.

I have noticed that and really found it strange and not something I would share with friends or my Mom so wondered if it signaled something else but apparently not. Really, I am actually feeling better and yes, will have a talk with him to figure out what’s what.

Did he change his wardrobe recently? My exH started wearing light pink and blue shorts, Rolex and Burberry when he began an affair. He was not into dress code before that

OP here, I think before I jump to conclusions, I need to have a heart to heart with him. Has he changed his clothing? Somewhat. Could he have a work crush? Perhaps, but that wouldn’t bother me. We are human and hormones exist. Him taking action would be the problem and I don’t think he has.

Thanks again to everyone for your insight. I think I’ve found the answers and direction I needed.

Now…back to work.

OP, I'm saying this kindly, but not inviting you IS deliberate action if this is true.

Yeah, OP, do some quiet investigating before you confront in any way. He’s already shown enough of his cards (including a lack of respect and sensitivity towards you). A talk isn’t going to get you anymore, and just gives him an opening to gaslight you. This situation isn’t sitting well with you for good reason. Until you have some clarity, I would also avoid sleeping with him.

“This situation hasn’t been going well” for OP because OP has been nagging and judging her husband for wanting to let loose with younger colleagues at a holiday party - so he doesn’t want her to go. She’s the problem. Not him. Assuming it means he’s having an affair is a giant leap and a sign of immense insecurity. DCUM women smell affairs everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am starting to wonder if he hasn’t cheated, I think perhaps it’s just because he hasn’t been able to pull it off. I have noticed when he has these company night outs, he grooms his private area that same morning.

Talk about burying the lede…….