Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

It is your identity your entire life! The one with your diplomas, your publications, your email, your yearbook, your entire family tree.

And of course the MAN is also so involved in names he did NOT choose either. Why does he care at all??? Even using your entire logic, you make no sense.

And of course the man is also doing all these acts deliberately, too — whether he chooses to compromise, try to find a solution, has any empathy at all.

It is NOT about being a feminist. It’s about being a HUMAN. A woman can want a traditional marriage (e.g. barefoot and pregnant) AND want her kids to have her name. There is an entire family history there.

Speaking as a DAR who kept my name, gave it to my kids too, and was a trad wife. I can trace my last name 1000 years. Can you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

It is your identity your entire life! The one with your diplomas, your publications, your email, your yearbook, your entire family tree.

And of course the MAN is also so involved in names he did NOT choose either. Why does he care at all??? Even using your entire logic, you make no sense.

And of course the man is also doing all these acts deliberately, too — whether he chooses to compromise, try to find a solution, has any empathy at all.

It is NOT about being a feminist. It’s about being a HUMAN. A woman can want a traditional marriage (e.g. barefoot and pregnant) AND want her kids to have her name. There is an entire family history there.

Speaking as a DAR who kept my name, gave it to my kids too, and was a trad wife. I can trace my last name 1000 years. Can you?

Ok if it's so obvious then why does OP ,need to crowd source this issue to a bunch of belligerent people with an axe to grind? Because it's not obvious to a normal mentally healthy person that there is anything wrong at all with a.woman taking her husband's last name if they get married.

It's simply a preference. If ops preference to be an angry belligerent feminist is so strong, she should break up with this guy and find another guy to have a dysfunctional relationship with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

I think the red flag isn't so much people's stances as it is how they communicate. In the grand scheme of partner disagreements, this one really isn't that big of a deal. But how you handle disagreement matters.

This!!

And the fact that op doesn't know his views on gender.

There's no benefit of leaving that as a surprise for after you walk down the aisle. Have ALL the discussions now, or at least as many as you can think of. If you go forward, I highly recommend premarital counseling.

Actually I recommend pre marital counseling to everyone, even the most communicative couples. It was really great to have facilitated conversations and full a box of problem solving tools to use because life gets tricky.

This!

OP, to me, the red flag in your post is that you might not know each other as well as you think. And while I think the resolution of this conversation might lead you to decide not to marry this guy, it's a little surprising that this was your immediate reaction. Are there other things that are giving you pause?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t change your name. I changed mine when I got married, but apparently the social security office messed something up and years later I had issues with the IRS since I had been paying taxes under my married name but my SSN was still under my maiden name. It ended up being a huge pain.

You should have gotten a new social security card as soon as you changed your name. Sounds like you didn’t do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

This says a LOT about some deeply ingrained misogyny in him and I don’t think you are overreacting.

FWIW, I kept my name, my husband kept his, and our son carries mine as his last name and has two middle names including my husband’s last name. He very seriously considered taking mine primarily because we both love the look and sound of my name and are closer to my family. In the end, he kept his because he has a daughter from his first marriage who has his name. But it meant a lot to me that he would be willing to take mine.

I think if one spouse feels so strongly about the family having all the same name, he should be at least 50% willing to change his own name. If he is insistent on one name but not even willing to even slightly consider him being the one to change his…and actually finds it *offensive* to even suggest it??! There are deeper issues with this dude about not seeing you as an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

It is your identity your entire life! The one with your diplomas, your publications, your email, your yearbook, your entire family tree.

And of course the MAN is also so involved in names he did NOT choose either. Why does he care at all??? Even using your entire logic, you make no sense.

And of course the man is also doing all these acts deliberately, too — whether he chooses to compromise, try to find a solution, has any empathy at all.

It is NOT about being a feminist. It’s about being a HUMAN. A woman can want a traditional marriage (e.g. barefoot and pregnant) AND want her kids to have her name. There is an entire family history there.

Speaking as a DAR who kept my name, gave it to my kids too, and was a trad wife. I can trace my last name 1000 years. Can you?

I’m not a feminist, and do not believe women should change their last names. I kept my name, and that’s what my father wanted me to do. It’s super important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

It is your identity your entire life! The one with your diplomas, your publications, your email, your yearbook, your entire family tree.

And of course the MAN is also so involved in names he did NOT choose either. Why does he care at all??? Even using your entire logic, you make no sense.

And of course the man is also doing all these acts deliberately, too — whether he chooses to compromise, try to find a solution, has any empathy at all.

It is NOT about being a feminist. It’s about being a HUMAN. A woman can want a traditional marriage (e.g. barefoot and pregnant) AND want her kids to have her name. There is an entire family history there.

Speaking as a DAR who kept my name, gave it to my kids too, and was a trad wife. I can trace my last name 1000 years. Can you?

Ok if it's so obvious then why does OP ,need to crowd source this issue to a bunch of belligerent people with an axe to grind? Because it's not obvious to a normal mentally healthy person that there is anything wrong at all with a.woman taking her husband's last name if they get married.

It's simply a preference. If ops preference to be an angry belligerent feminist is so strong, she should break up with this guy and find another guy to have a dysfunctional relationship with.

Dude, you have *issues*. Her boyfriend is the one being uncompromising and belligerent. A person preferring her own name does not mean she is belligerent. It is her boyfriend who has taken offense at the conversation and is being insistent and angry about it.

It’s just *weird* that you perceive a woman having an opinion as belligerence when she is the one being flexible and offering compromises while the man is the angry and stubborn one.

[Anonymous]

Leave him. You’ll be doing him a HUGE
favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After 400 or so replies of women pulling a muscle patting themselves on the back for having such understanding spouses who they could talk with about this subject so maturely, I don't recall even *one* reply that said "we talked about this and DH agreed to take my last name" or "we talked about this and DH was fine with me keeping my last name *and* having the kids use my last name".

It's all "DH told me how much it would mean, so I agreed to use his last name". Or "DH didn't mind me keeping my last name and we used his last name for the kids".

The majority of you are telling OP how horrible her fiancé is for not considering this, or not being willing to let the kids use her last name - well how many of you would have ended up in a big discussion if you had insisted that the kids use your last name? I'm betting >90%. Your fiancés would have not been happy in the least.

A few DH's agreed to hyphenated - but I'll bet they had an opinion as to whether their name was first or last.

Some women said they used their last name as the middle and the man's last name as the kid's last name. How come not one couple decided to put the father's last name as the middle and the mother's last name for the kid's last name?

OP has just pushed something none of you pushed. It's ridiculous to advise OP to break up this engagement because their fiancé is so unwilling to compromise. Every one of your fiancés would have balked as well, if you requested they take the your last name, or at the least, agree that the kids will have the mom's last name.

Hey…DH and I are that *one couple* and I know we are not alone here at DCUM. We kept our own names and our son has my last name. We are very happy with it. At my urging, we included DH’s name as a middle name only b/c I feared he would later regret not including his name at all, but truly he didn’t really feel that strongly about it. We both prefer my name and my family of origin. His family have been peeved about it but they’re generally peevish so it doesn’t bother either of us.

[Anonymous]

Again just break up. Marriageable men are dime a dozen. There is no way you will join the multiple lonely cat ladies if you leave this engagement over this OP

[Anonymous]

I kept my last name. We have two kids. One has my last name and one has DH’s last name. I don’t care what others think but haven’t heard any issues about it yet. (Age 13 and 11 boys)

DH already has two words for his last name (think Van Gogh) and it has been a pain at times but nothing major. I think it would be easier for those with a hyphen for those considering that option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kept my last name. We have two kids. One has my last name and one has DH’s last name. I don’t care what others think but haven’t heard any issues about it yet. (Age 13 and 11 boys)

DH already has two words for his last name (think Van Gogh) and it has been a pain at times but nothing major. I think it would be easier for those with a hyphen for those considering that option.

They think it's a hot mess, but are polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 400 or so replies of women pulling a muscle patting themselves on the back for having such understanding spouses who they could talk with about this subject so maturely, I don't recall even *one* reply that said "we talked about this and DH agreed to take my last name" or "we talked about this and DH was fine with me keeping my last name *and* having the kids use my last name".

It's all "DH told me how much it would mean, so I agreed to use his last name". Or "DH didn't mind me keeping my last name and we used his last name for the kids".

The majority of you are telling OP how horrible her fiancé is for not considering this, or not being willing to let the kids use her last name - well how many of you would have ended up in a big discussion if you had insisted that the kids use your last name? I'm betting >90%. Your fiancés would have not been happy in the least.

A few DH's agreed to hyphenated - but I'll bet they had an opinion as to whether their name was first or last.

Some women said they used their last name as the middle and the man's last name as the kid's last name. How come not one couple decided to put the father's last name as the middle and the mother's last name for the kid's last name?

OP has just pushed something none of you pushed. It's ridiculous to advise OP to break up this engagement because their fiancé is so unwilling to compromise. Every one of your fiancés would have balked as well, if you requested they take the your last name, or at the least, agree that the kids will have the mom's last name.

Hey…DH and I are that *one couple* and I know we are not alone here at DCUM. We kept our own names and our son has my last name. We are very happy with it. At my urging, we included DH’s name as a middle name only b/c I feared he would later regret not including his name at all, but truly he didn’t really feel that strongly about it. We both prefer my name and my family of origin. His family have been peeved about it but they’re generally peevish so it doesn’t bother either of us.

We are also “that one couple”. And yes, we even discussed us all taking a third name that we both liked but in the end he wanted to keep his, I wanted to keep mine, and we gave the kids my name and they don’t have his name at all but of course he’s on the birth certificates. It’s turned out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

It is your identity your entire life! The one with your diplomas, your publications, your email, your yearbook, your entire family tree.

And of course the MAN is also so involved in names he did NOT choose either. Why does he care at all??? Even using your entire logic, you make no sense.

And of course the man is also doing all these acts deliberately, too — whether he chooses to compromise, try to find a solution, has any empathy at all.

It is NOT about being a feminist. It’s about being a HUMAN. A woman can want a traditional marriage (e.g. barefoot and pregnant) AND want her kids to have her name. There is an entire family history there.

Speaking as a DAR who kept my name, gave it to my kids too, and was a trad wife. I can trace my last name 1000 years. Can you?

Ok if it's so obvious then why does OP ,need to crowd source this issue to a bunch of belligerent people with an axe to grind? Because it's not obvious to a normal mentally healthy person that there is anything wrong at all with a.woman taking her husband's last name if they get married.

It's simply a preference. If ops preference to be an angry belligerent feminist is so strong, she should break up with this guy and find another guy to have a dysfunctional relationship with.

Dude, you have *issues*. Her boyfriend is the one being uncompromising and belligerent. A person preferring her own name does not mean she is belligerent. It is her boyfriend who has taken offense at the conversation and is being insistent and angry about it.

It’s just *weird* that you perceive a woman having an opinion as belligerence when she is the one being flexible and offering compromises while the man is the angry and stubborn one.

PP, you're being belligerent too. That means you want to fight...So does OP. She doesn't just want to keep her own name, she wants to fight with her boyfriend until he caves in to her point of view. .He's entitled to disagree with her. If she doesn't like that, she needs to move on. The problem is unhappy women always find a reason to bail out of relationships.

[Anonymous]

After many, many years of marriage, I find all ways of dealing with last names perfectly fine.

I don’t love it when relatives refer to us as M/ M Jones when I have always been Smith, but it is small potatoes.

The key part is respect for you as a person and your opinions, not the specific naming conventions.