Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

After 400 or so replies of women pulling a muscle patting themselves on the back for having such understanding spouses who they could talk with about this subject so maturely, I don't recall even *one* reply that said "we talked about this and DH agreed to take my last name" or "we talked about this and DH was fine with me keeping my last name *and* having the kids use my last name".

It's all "DH told me how much it would mean, so I agreed to use his last name". Or "DH didn't mind me keeping my last name and we used his last name for the kids".

The majority of you are telling OP how horrible her fiancé is for not considering this, or not being willing to let the kids use her last name - well how many of you would have ended up in a big discussion if you had insisted that the kids use your last name? I'm betting >90%. Your fiancés would have not been happy in the least.

A few DH's agreed to hyphenated - but I'll bet they had an opinion as to whether their name was first or last.

Some women said they used their last name as the middle and the man's last name as the kid's last name. How come not one couple decided to put the father's last name as the middle and the mother's last name for the kid's last name?

OP has just pushed something none of you pushed. It's ridiculous to advise OP to break up this engagement because their fiancé is so unwilling to compromise. Every one of your fiancés would have balked as well, if you requested they take the your last name, or at the least, agree that the kids will have the mom's last name.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t get married. Marriageable men that want to marry you are dime a dozen. Stick to your principals. Keep your name. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

Nope. I kept my name.

-A woman

You kept your dad’s last name, not mom’s.

The men also have their dad's last name. So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After 400 or so replies of women pulling a muscle patting themselves on the back for having such understanding spouses who they could talk with about this subject so maturely, I don't recall even *one* reply that said "we talked about this and DH agreed to take my last name" or "we talked about this and DH was fine with me keeping my last name *and* having the kids use my last name".

It's all "DH told me how much it would mean, so I agreed to use his last name". Or "DH didn't mind me keeping my last name and we used his last name for the kids".

The majority of you are telling OP how horrible her fiancé is for not considering this, or not being willing to let the kids use her last name - well how many of you would have ended up in a big discussion if you had insisted that the kids use your last name? I'm betting >90%. Your fiancés would have not been happy in the least.

A few DH's agreed to hyphenated - but I'll bet they had an opinion as to whether their name was first or last.

Some women said they used their last name as the middle and the man's last name as the kid's last name. How come not one couple decided to put the father's last name as the middle and the mother's last name for the kid's last name?

OP has just pushed something none of you pushed. It's ridiculous to advise OP to break up this engagement because their fiancé is so unwilling to compromise. Every one of your fiancés would have balked as well, if you requested they take the your last name, or at the least, agree that the kids will have the mom's last name.

OP didn't ask for the kids to have her name did she? I see her wanting to keep her name and him balking at that or using a double barreled surname for the whole family (or at least the kids). Both of those are decently common among people I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try and talk to him again when both of you calm down. If his position is still the same then you need to think if this is something you're willing to accept.

I agree. It should be your decision, not his.

If he does not see the fairness/equity in that, it is a bad sign (i.e., that he will fall back, and expect you to fall back, into numerous gender traditions…that are largely indefensible in 2026).

OP, any update?

[Anonymous]

Change your name, or don’t.
Marry him, or don’t.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I argued about this a far amount when we were engaged. He was fine with me keeping my name but unwilling to consider changing his. I would have preferred to have the same name but wasn’t willing to be the one to change just because of a sexiest tradition. In the end we just kept our own names.

The kids do have his last name but in exchange for him unilaterally choosing their last name I insisted on having final say over their first names. I also didn’t pick names he didn’t like and he had reasonable amount of input. It worked out fine.

Now I think I wouldn’t care as much, but now I know how our lives have played out and that he is truly an equal partner in all things who considers me an equal partner in all things and not pressuring me into gendered bs. At 27, the name thing was an important symbol related to equality and gendered assumptions and expectations for our future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try and talk to him again when both of you calm down. If his position is still the same then you need to think if this is something you're willing to accept.

I agree. It should be your decision, not his.

If he does not see the fairness/equity in that, it is a bad sign (i.e., that he will fall back, and expect you to fall back, into numerous gender traditions…that are largely indefensible in 2026).

OP, any update?

Not really. Looks like he's avoiding the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 400 or so replies of women pulling a muscle patting themselves on the back for having such understanding spouses who they could talk with about this subject so maturely, I don't recall even *one* reply that said "we talked about this and DH agreed to take my last name" or "we talked about this and DH was fine with me keeping my last name *and* having the kids use my last name".

It's all "DH told me how much it would mean, so I agreed to use his last name". Or "DH didn't mind me keeping my last name and we used his last name for the kids".

The majority of you are telling OP how horrible her fiancé is for not considering this, or not being willing to let the kids use her last name - well how many of you would have ended up in a big discussion if you had insisted that the kids use your last name? I'm betting >90%. Your fiancés would have not been happy in the least.

A few DH's agreed to hyphenated - but I'll bet they had an opinion as to whether their name was first or last.

Some women said they used their last name as the middle and the man's last name as the kid's last name. How come not one couple decided to put the father's last name as the middle and the mother's last name for the kid's last name?

OP has just pushed something none of you pushed. It's ridiculous to advise OP to break up this engagement because their fiancé is so unwilling to compromise. Every one of your fiancés would have balked as well, if you requested they take the your last name, or at the least, agree that the kids will have the mom's last name.

OP didn't ask for the kids to have her name did she? I see her wanting to keep her name and him balking at that or using a double barreled surname for the whole family (or at least the kids). Both of those are decently common among people I know.

Well, she proposed that he take her last name so the family could have the same name, so yes, the kids would get her last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just call the whole thing off. I'm serious. If you can't even do this to reach a mutual goal, how will you handle all life will throw at you?

+1 Call it off. This is how it starts. One disagreement like this does not bode well for future disagreements. I went ahead. Horrible marriage and took a decade to divorce. Just end it now.

[Anonymous]

Are you a family or not. A family has the same last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: At 27, the name thing was an important symbol related to equality and gendered assumptions and expectations for our future.

You couldn’t find anything less consequential to magnify?
You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Don’t change your name. I changed mine when I got married, but apparently the social security office messed something up and years later I had issues with the IRS since I had been paying taxes under my married name but my SSN was still under my maiden name. It ended up being a huge pain.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not think taking your husband's last name needs to be treated like some outdated or anti-woman thing.

The data still shows it is completely normal. Pew found that 79% of women in opposite-sex marriages took their husband's last name, while only 14% kept their own and 5% hyphenated. Even education does not change the overall picture as much as people assume. Among women with postgraduate degrees, only 26% kept their original last name, meaning most still either took their husband's name or combined names.

And this is not just a conservative or old-fashioned thing. Plenty of prominent liberal, educated, accomplished American women have taken or used their husband's last name publicly, including Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jill Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, Gwen Walz, and Gretchen Whitmer. In younger/current culture, you also see examples like Hailey Bieber and Chrissy Teigen.

Obviously, if someone has a strong personal, professional, cultural, or family reason not to change it, that is completely fine. But for most people, sharing one family name is simple, practical, and meaningful. It does not erase anyone's independence, education, politics, or accomplishments. For many families, it is just easier and cleaner to take the name and move on.

Are you for real Haley Bieber? And Teigen is Chrissy Teigen's birth name.