Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

Nothing. But we can’t really help OP if she doesn’t articulate her goals. Maybe she keeps her maiden name as her last name to achieve goal number 4, and he’s happy with that so they together can achieve goal number 1. Then there just the question of what to name the kids and why? Is she trying to pass down her surname? If that only goes down one generation (because the kids take shortened surnames when they get married) is that good enough? And if she’s fine with that, how important was it to pass on the surname? So many questions that only OP can answer.

OP made it clear that she wanted to keep her name and hyphenate the children's. You just don't know how to read.

No, if OP was clear on what she wanted, she wouldn't have posted here. She'd rather destroy her relationship for internet feels than make a compromise.

She offered to hyphenate the children and he didn't want to. Changing your name when your partner doesnt have to isn't compromising. You're just being obtuse.

No one “has to” change their names. The kids have a hyphenated one is fine. Unless one side of the family feels entitled to naming rights for no reason.

. Exactly. No one has to do anything. Except OP needs to decide why of all things this particular issue is a deal breaker for her. Does she really scare about this, or does she just think she is supposed to care about it ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this ridiculous, my mom kept her last name, as did I. My sons have my last name as a middle name and my husband's as a surname. My spouse and I have been married over 15 years, my parents have been married over 60 years.

I don't personally care if someone socially calls me Mrs. Husband's name, but I didn't want the legal hassle and I quite like my name. Literally never had issues.

It's your name, it's your day to day life.

This! But I would wonder about other things that he may be assuming. Does he assume that you will be the primary parent if you have kids and backseat your career? You should use this as an opportunity to talk about your wants and make sure you are in the same page about family life.