Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

Nothing. But we can’t really help OP if she doesn’t articulate her goals. Maybe she keeps her maiden name as her last name to achieve goal number 4, and he’s happy with that so they together can achieve goal number 1. Then there just the question of what to name the kids and why? Is she trying to pass down her surname? If that only goes down one generation (because the kids take shortened surnames when they get married) is that good enough? And if she’s fine with that, how important was it to pass on the surname? So many questions that only OP can answer.

OP made it clear that she wanted to keep her name and hyphenate the children's. You just don't know how to read.

No, if OP was clear on what she wanted, she wouldn't have posted here. She'd rather destroy her relationship for internet feels than make a compromise.

[Anonymous]

I kept my name out of pure laziness lol. I actually wanted to change my name (don’t have particularly positive associations with the family name) but it was just too much hassle to change all my documents. In my husband’s culture it’s actually normal for women to keep their last name, so it was never an issue.
We just did one last name for the kids but also out of laziness. I’d also be fine with hyphenated names, although if one of the last names is super long I’d consider shortening it! My husband actually had two last names and dropped one when he moved to the US just to make paperwork easier.
I think outside of your family no one gives a flying eff if the woman keeps her name and what name the kids have.
I agree that the way your partner handles a disagreement is a way bigger red flag than any name you ultimately choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

Nothing. But we can’t really help OP if she doesn’t articulate her goals. Maybe she keeps her maiden name as her last name to achieve goal number 4, and he’s happy with that so they together can achieve goal number 1. Then there just the question of what to name the kids and why? Is she trying to pass down her surname? If that only goes down one generation (because the kids take shortened surnames when they get married) is that good enough? And if she’s fine with that, how important was it to pass on the surname? So many questions that only OP can answer.

OP made it clear that she wanted to keep her name and hyphenate the children's. You just don't know how to read.

No, if OP was clear on what she wanted, she wouldn't have posted here. She'd rather destroy her relationship for internet feels than make a compromise.

She offered to hyphenate the children and he didn't want to. Changing your name when your partner doesnt have to isn't compromising. You're just being obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Why are we still going on about this?
OP can marry him, or not.
OP can change her name, or not.
What she decides about both issues doesn’t affect anyone on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

This may be the most ridiculous reason to get divorced I've seen on this forum. Are you both even able to agree on pizza toppings? How did you even get married to each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may be the most ridiculous reason to get divorced I've seen on this forum. Are you both even able to agree on pizza toppings? How did you even get married to each other?

They aren’t married yet. But if he cannot respect her autonomy and her needs / feelings / concerns enough to even consider compromising, this is not a little thing. This is a BIG thing.

Maybe you don’t think your personal rights and name mean much - but could you see how it would be important to somebody else?

[Anonymous]

And if you are a man and didn’t even consider changing your name - I don’t think you have any right to comment on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

Why then are men so upset about their name not being taken then if it is a name they had forced on them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

He either never thought about it and was blindsided or he doesn’t know how to think about anything that comes up.

Better figure that out fast- ie what his decision making process is for basic questions like this. If he even has one.

How were things left?

Would sitting down with a third party therapist help you guys learn how to work through basic things like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why all these feminists are so invested in birth names they had no role at all in choosing. Those are names your parents forced upon you, not that you took consensually and with a conscious choice. Of you choose to take your husband's last name, that's a deliberate act. If you refuse to, that's also a deliberate act. But change it to something else entirely of.yoirnown choosing then. Otherwise your position makes absolutely no logical sense.

Why then are men so upset about their name not being taken then if it is a name they had forced on them?

Power, control, ego, image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

Nothing. But we can’t really help OP if she doesn’t articulate her goals. Maybe she keeps her maiden name as her last name to achieve goal number 4, and he’s happy with that so they together can achieve goal number 1. Then there just the question of what to name the kids and why? Is she trying to pass down her surname? If that only goes down one generation (because the kids take shortened surnames when they get married) is that good enough? And if she’s fine with that, how important was it to pass on the surname? So many questions that only OP can answer.

OP made it clear that she wanted to keep her name and hyphenate the children's. You just don't know how to read.

No, if OP was clear on what she wanted, she wouldn't have posted here. She'd rather destroy her relationship for internet feels than make a compromise.

She offered to hyphenate the children and he didn't want to. Changing your name when your partner doesnt have to isn't compromising. You're just being obtuse.

No one “has to” change their names. The kids have a hyphenated one is fine. Unless one side of the family feels entitled to naming rights for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Hyphenated names are ridiculous. Just do the mother's surname as the middle name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be the most ridiculous reason to get divorced I've seen on this forum. Are you both even able to agree on pizza toppings? How did you even get married to each other?

They aren’t married yet. But if he cannot respect her autonomy and her needs / feelings / concerns enough to even consider compromising, this is not a little thing. This is a BIG thing.

Maybe you don’t think your personal rights and name mean much - but could you see how it would be important to somebody else?

This is where you miss the bost. Instead of accepting that two people have different viewpoints on the naming issue, and a mutual inability to resolve that difference, you immediately go to heaping 100% of the blame for the relationship ending upon the man.

Nope. OP has a choice to make. She can decide they are incompatible and move on. Demonizing him to justify her decision is simply a.lack of accountability on her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And if you are a man and didn’t even consider changing your name - I don’t think you have any right to comment on this.

Wow good for you for expressing your opinion. Others are free to do the same and don't need your permission to do so. Even if they are men and even if they didn't consider changing their names.

That's reality baby cakes.

[Anonymous]

Why does she get to chose the child's last name that seems unfair if she gets to choose her own