Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my last name. We have two kids. One has my last name and one has DH’s last name. I don’t care what others think but haven’t heard any issues about it yet. (Age 13 and 11 boys)

DH already has two words for his last name (think Van Gogh) and it has been a pain at times but nothing major. I think it would be easier for those with a hyphen for those considering that option.

They think it's a hot mess, but are polite.

People aren't as invested in you family structure and naming conventions as you think they are, and why should the family give a sh!t about what others think?

It doesn't take much investment to recognize a hot mess. Kinda like seeing a car crash, it's just there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Red flag. There will be other “you’re the wife” default expectations for housework, money, and childcare if you marry this man. Many men will split things evenly until you marry them, and then figure you agreed to his views concerning everything because you married him.

Yet most women refuse to split things evenly unless they perceive it to be in their own best interests.

For example, the decision to abort or not abort a pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Double barrel names are from the father's father and the mother's father so let's calm down pretending it's some amazing feminist statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

[Anonymous]

I kept my last name and our three kids have a double barrel last name. Zero issues I would never have considered changing my last name and frankly, I would not have married someone who didn’t support that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kept my last name and our three kids have a double barrel last name. Zero issues I would never have considered changing my last name and frankly, I would not have married someone who didn’t support that.

About to type the same. Our kids have double barrel last names, no hyphen. It has been 99% not even a comment for all official records and paper work. Kids are older elementary and high school now, and have never questioned or complained about it.

As for my DH when we got married it was him who expressed he wasn’t comfortable changing his last name to mine, so how could he ask me to change it to his. Our 10th anniversary I brought it up as checking in, and he was like “it is even more of a non-issue now than when we made the choice the first time.” (Married 16 years and counting.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kept my last name and our three kids have a double barrel last name. Zero issues I would never have considered changing my last name and frankly, I would not have married someone who didn’t support that.

Also kept my last name but gave our kids DH's last name with my surname as a middle name. They are in their 20s now so I can say with confidence that having a different last name was never a problem and that with hindsight I wish we'd hyphenated the kids. They went to a high school will a large Hispanic population, so double last names weren't unusual or problematic and in fact one of my kids of his own accord users both names fairly frequently (e.g., signs his name Larlo Smith Jones).

Interestingly, I have a large number of friends/colleagues who kept their own names, all still married after 25-30 years, and all the friends who have divorced had changed their names. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest you observe how he speaks about, speaks to, and behaves towards women — family, friends, colleagues, and strangers. This could tell you whether or not this is a big deal. When you are partnered with a man who isn’t overtly feminist, you may think it’s not a huge deal because he treats you well, respects you, and isn’t maga… but when you’re living through times where men in charge are systematically disenfranchising women (through this last name BS too) and persecuting women for accessing healthcare, it is so lonely and difficult to be living with a man who doesn’t seem to care. You need someone who is up in arms and fighting for your rights as a human. If he’s of the “oh, we’ll be fine, it won’t touch us” variety, he’s probably not as good a human as you want to think.
Good luck. Being a straight woman in a patriarchy is not for the faint of heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

. OPs goal is she doesn't want to get married to this guy and the names thing is about as good a reason as any, which she will of course blame on him..

Maybe when she is 45 and still single, she will look back and think, "Wow why did I make such a big deal over this?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

. OPs goal is she doesn't want to get married to this guy and the names thing is about as good a reason as any, which she will of course blame on him..

Maybe when she is 45 and still single, she will look back and think, "Wow why did I make such a big deal over this?"

Spoken like a fragile man.

Maybe she’ll look back at 45 and wonder why she married a man who deep down she knew harbored too much misogyny to truly love her and wonder how to get out with two kids and a job she had to quit or mommy track because he didn’t do crap to help raise their family. Second scenario is much more likely.

Asking women to abdicate their personhood so they (quelle horreur) don’t end up without a man is absolutely insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

. OPs goal is she doesn't want to get married to this guy and the names thing is about as good a reason as any, which she will of course blame on him..

Maybe when she is 45 and still single, she will look back and think, "Wow why did I make such a big deal over this?"

Spoken like a fragile man.

Maybe she’ll look back at 45 and wonder why she married a man who deep down she knew harbored too much misogyny to truly love her and wonder how to get out with two kids and a job she had to quit or mommy track because he didn’t do crap to help raise their family. Second scenario is much more likely.

Asking women to abdicate their personhood so they (quelle horreur) don’t end up without a man is absolutely insane.

PP, regurgitating trite jargon from your Feminism 101 adult ed course isn't helpful to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

The hyphen names do not work for the future. Smith-Thomas marries Brown-Jones. What do they do with their kids? Doing a hyphen names is selfish.

You are insane. Selfish? I wish I had kept my maiden name and am thinking of changing it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

Nothing. But we can’t really help OP if she doesn’t articulate her goals. Maybe she keeps her maiden name as her last name to achieve goal number 4, and he’s happy with that so they together can achieve goal number 1. Then there just the question of what to name the kids and why? Is she trying to pass down her surname? If that only goes down one generation (because the kids take shortened surnames when they get married) is that good enough? And if she’s fine with that, how important was it to pass on the surname? So many questions that only OP can answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

What is or are your goal(s)?

1. Start a family?
2. Carry on your own family surname?
3. Protest patriarchal surnames?
4. Not lose your identity (which, likely, is your father’s surname)?
5. Prove how modern you are?
6. Something else?
7. Some combination of the above?

Your (potentially) future husband indicated goals 1 and 2.

Hyphenated names are fine for one generation. What if your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid? How long do you really think all the hyphenated names survive? Maybe consider law firm or business names. Only the first name in the list tends to survive long term. What’s your really goal here?

DP

Okay? So what is wrong with a woman keeping her name or both spouses hyphenating? The kids can decide what to with their own spouses and kids. Sounds like what you really don't like is people having choices. The horror.

Nothing. But we can’t really help OP if she doesn’t articulate her goals. Maybe she keeps her maiden name as her last name to achieve goal number 4, and he’s happy with that so they together can achieve goal number 1. Then there just the question of what to name the kids and why? Is she trying to pass down her surname? If that only goes down one generation (because the kids take shortened surnames when they get married) is that good enough? And if she’s fine with that, how important was it to pass on the surname? So many questions that only OP can answer.

OP made it clear that she wanted to keep her name and hyphenate the children's. You just don't know how to read.