He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

The OP is a physician - she knows how to function at a much higher level than most of us while under extreme pressure. (Also, you’re comparing medical offices and family law attorneys to a plumber? You don’t understand how different businesses operate, methinks.)

Not hard to do any of those things quickly if you have $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

Why would someone make it up? They are just phone calls and walk in bloodwork. I don’t think she met the lawyers yet but plans to retain one of them eventually?

[Anonymous]

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

Maybe OP is more efficient than you. I could get those things done in two days. You should have called a different plumber. I needed an HVAC appointment yesterday and was able to make it happen in 4 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

Why would someone make it up? They are just phone calls and walk in bloodwork. I don’t think she met the lawyers yet but plans to retain one of them eventually?

Within 24 hours of finding about my DH's affair, I had STD results and he had appointment with a therapist to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. For what its worth, the therapy has really helped him understand what drove him to take part in this affair, and he has made some positive adjustments in getting his life back on track. If he hadn't agreed on the therapy, he would have been out the door that day. It's a long road, but he is making progress on repairing the damage and I am somewhat hopeful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

Why would someone make it up? They are just phone calls and walk in bloodwork. I don’t think she met the lawyers yet but plans to retain one of them eventually?

Within 24 hours of finding about my DH's affair, I had STD results and he had appointment with a therapist to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. For what its worth, the therapy has really helped him understand what drove him to take part in this affair, and he has made some positive adjustments in getting his life back on track. If he hadn't agreed on the therapy, he would have been out the door that day. It's a long road, but he is making progress on repairing the damage and I am somewhat hopeful.

Can you recommend the therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

Why would someone make it up? They are just phone calls and walk in bloodwork. I don’t think she met the lawyers yet but plans to retain one of them eventually?

Within 24 hours of finding about my DH's affair, I had STD results and he had appointment with a therapist to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. For what its worth, the therapy has really helped him understand what drove him to take part in this affair, and he has made some positive adjustments in getting his life back on track. If he hadn't agreed on the therapy, he would have been out the door that day. It's a long road, but he is making progress on repairing the damage and I am somewhat hopeful.

Can you recommend the therapist?

Not the PP, but if you can afford it for the short term I would pay out of pocket for therapy. The best no longer accept insurance, and therapists on your approved providers lists will have long waits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been fun but is no longer rings true.

OP discovers affair on Wednesday and by Friday evening has the results of full STD panel along with appointments with two lawyers?

I might have believed the appointments with lawyers if it weren’t the end of the year but there’s no way I’m buying that OP made an appointment at a clinic, submitted to exam and has the results back in less than 24 hours.

OP, you moved the story along too quickly, next time slow it down and you’ll have us the whole way!

Merry Christmas!

It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it.

OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems.

Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much.

Why would someone make it up? They are just phone calls and walk in bloodwork. I don’t think she met the lawyers yet but plans to retain one of them eventually?

Within 24 hours of finding about my DH's affair, I had STD results and he had appointment with a therapist to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. For what its worth, the therapy has really helped him understand what drove him to take part in this affair, and he has made some positive adjustments in getting his life back on track. If he hadn't agreed on the therapy, he would have been out the door that day. It's a long road, but he is making progress on repairing the damage and I am somewhat hopeful.

Can you recommend the therapist?

Not the PP, but if you can afford it for the short term I would pay out of pocket for therapy. The best no longer accept insurance, and therapists on your approved providers lists will have long waits.

+1 And I’ll point out the obvious and say that even full-price therapy is cheaper than divorce.

[Anonymous]

Do nothing until he gets that bonus in January. That is martial property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

OP the thing to realize which you are about to find out that when you end your sexual relationship with a man you end your financial relationship also. Protect yourself. He will not protect someone he is not sleeping with. Not even the mother of his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

OP the thing to realize which you are about to find out that when you end your sexual relationship with a man you end your financial relationship also. Protect yourself. He will not protect someone he is not sleeping with. Not even the mother of his children.

Goodness this is so dramatic.

OP should protect herself financially but I don’t think that every man whose wife stops sleeping with him is going to immediately drain the bank accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly there are many ways to have a happy marriage. You get to decide how you feel about it and what to do next. If it were me, I would turn a blind eye.

Door mat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

OP the thing to realize which you are about to find out that when you end your sexual relationship with a man you end your financial relationship also. Protect yourself. He will not protect someone he is not sleeping with. Not even the mother of his children.

Goodness this is so dramatic.

OP should protect herself financially but I don’t think that every man whose wife stops sleeping with him is going to immediately drain the bank accounts.

This is what a post nup would address. It’s basically insurance against this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What sort of proof did you find that gave you all of that information? If your marriage is a good as you say, why were you snooping? My biggest concern would be your kids finding out and growing up thinking that it is acceptable behavior.

He fell asleep with his open laptop on his lap. I moved it so it wouldn’t fall off the bed in the night, which I’ve done plenty of times before. This time, What was on the screen was extremely shocking and could only be one thing. I then did snoop and found lots lots more. Texts, meet ups, dating profiles, many things correlating with his business travel. Connecting various other dots, and knowing his patterns of behavior, it’s all very very clear. He’s actively making plans for more including tomorrow. And this weekend he has a work trip that I am certain will provide further opportunities.

I am very sad.

Protect yourself and your children.

He does not love you.

He will not change.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a doctor? Just thought you were since you said you had a lot of years in training at work and then you had kids much later.

OP, your health and safety are number one. like all suggested, STD"s are a big concern.
Also, I would not put myself at risk with the STD's. So, I would not sleep with my husband . I would confront him and make a plan to move out/divorce...

How is he with the kids?

He’s a fantastic, loving, very involved and attentive father. We are a tight family unit with a lot of time together.

No he’s not. He’s getting sex elsewhere many times. This is not a Hallmark movie. You deserve better.

But the hell I would pay alimony to him…..he can move to the basement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to everyone who has provided support and advice. I don't ever remember feeling this much pain my life except when someone I know has died young. And in a way, this is a death as well.

I got the full panel of STD tests this morning. I have retained a divorce lawyer for a consultation next week. I have also retained a private investigator who is beginning surveillance immediately.

At least that will give me some information before I make any decisions.

I cannot eat and I just want to sob but I am trying to act normal.

As I have been surreptitiously doing all these things this morning (which feels gross, as now *I* am telling lies about where I'm going and whom I'm calling), he has been very loving toward me and the kids, as usual. Made them waffles because there was the school delay. Put away a bunch of laundry. Told me how much he appreciates all the love and support I've provided him lately during a stressful period in his career. Making plans for the holidays.

I feel like I am talking to an alien. I have no idea who this person is.

I think I am actually OK if he has sexual needs I cannot fulfill. I could perhaps come to a place of understanding on that. What is not OK is lying to me all the time, giving me an STD, and possibly impregnating or falling in love with someone else.

In reflecting on everything, I have also considered that he is getting a giant payout from his business in early January and I am thinking I am not going to do anything at all until that hits our joint bank account, which by the way I control. God forbid I confront him and he redirects that money to some other account. I worked hard for that money too and contributed a lot to his ability to earn it. I feel like I have no idea who I am even dealing with now.

Smart. What are you going to do if he wants sex between now and then?

First of all, there's been a noticeable dip in our sex life in the last month, though I think or thought that is because we've all been sick with various illnesses plus he has had an injury. So he might not ask at all, as he is still recovering from that, or telling me he is still recovering. Plus he is going to be on business travel some of the time, and we'll be at family some of the rest of the time, so I'm hoping there won't be too many opportunities.

Second, we always use condoms anyway, because we really, really do not want more kids and he hasn't had a vasectomy. I see now how him not getting a vasectomy gives him a reason to keep using condoms with me, which in his mind probably solves the STD problem from his behavior. It would be interesting to push him to get the vasectomy and see how he reacts, since that would remove any reason to use condoms. However, I am aware that condoms don't protect you from everything.

Beyond that, I don't know. It would be hard for me to have sex with him right now, so I'd probably lie and say I have a yeast infection or something.

If you don't want to be paying child support/paternity cost to another woman and have your kids' inheritance split, you'd be wise to push for that vasectomy STAT.

So much this.