He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are young, smart and educated!!

I'm so in awe of you as you got into medical school and now are a great physician! I took the MCAT 5 times an did not make it.

That being said , you have to make yourself a priority. (not your husband; not let him do what he wants ...etc)

You have to take care of you first. and then kiddos.

You deserve so much better. You hang in there and think about the scenarios. Your kids will be teens soon and will see the phones/laptops and will be aware of what is going on...that is probably not a good situation. you might as well part now and take care of you.

Decision is yours of course and you take your time to figure it out. Please keep us posted. I hope you are hanging in there. lots of love to you and kiddos... we are all rooting for you!

Yes, please let us support you. ❤️❤️❤️

[Anonymous]

Eventually people you know will find out he’s cheating. You can be discrete but a co-worker, neighbor, family friend or relative will know at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eventually people you know will find out he’s cheating. You can be discrete but a co-worker, neighbor, family friend or relative will know at some point.

True, and the OP saw video evidence. I'm sure the couples he's meeting with have video too. This could easily end up online if it hasn't already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are young, smart and educated!!

I'm so in awe of you as you got into medical school and now are a great physician! I took the MCAT 5 times an did not make it.

That being said , you have to make yourself a priority. (not your husband; not let him do what he wants ...etc)

You have to take care of you first. and then kiddos.

You deserve so much better. You hang in there and think about the scenarios. Your kids will be teens soon and will see the phones/laptops and will be aware of what is going on...that is probably not a good situation. you might as well part now and take care of you.

Decision is yours of course and you take your time to figure it out. Please keep us posted. I hope you are hanging in there. lots of love to you and kiddos... we are all rooting for you!

Yes, please let us support you. ❤️❤️❤️

Ditto! The teen thing is real my oldest figured out the affair the same day I did thanks to our phones accidentally syncing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DP. I know, OP, that you said much earlier you wanted to avoid divorce at all costs, etc., did not want your kids to grow up in a household where you got divorced etc.

Please realize that your neat and tidy three-option list you present above is NOT necessarily going to prevent a divorce. I think you'll say, "I know that," but I really wonder if you get the full reality of it all.

You seem quite confident he'll choose your options of a "parenting marriage" or "work on the real marriage" instead of divorce, but that might be your own intense wish to avoid divorce that's talking, OP. He may decide those options are just too much hard work and he'd rather get divorced, have the kids only part-time so he's freer to have more sex without kid schedules in his way.

Set up everything you may need to get the best possible divorce for you and your kids -- even if the first thing chosen is "work on the marriage and stay together." It might all work out, it really might, but don't be too confident in your list of choices for him.

If DH and you decide the "parenting marriage" is the way you'll go, you MUST openly and frankly plan for what happens if he gets someone pregnant. Seriously, you must discuss it and make a plan. A postnup, maybe. It really does happen and it could rock your and your kids' lives if the woman keeps it, uses it to get your DH to leave you, whatever. He can swear up and down that he'll never get an AP pregnant; his APs are too old or whatever; he'll wear a condom perfectly every time blah blah blah...and he can still end up with a pregnant AP. Happened with a close friend who had three kids with her DH but he finally left, after multiple affairs, for the one he got pregnant "by accident." I know. Anecdotal, not about you. But it does happen no matter what the man swears to you.

OP here. I know you are right, though I don't want you to be. This is why I am waiting to confront. It may be months. There are a number of things I want to get in place prior to him knowing that I know, because it could indeed lead to divorce. I want him to get the vasectomy, I want his '22 profits to deposit in our joint bank account, I want to finalize some revisions to our will that have to do with custody of our kids if we both die (which we have both easily agreed to make already-- but want it nailed down), and a few other things. I have to move forward on the assumption that the worst case scenarios could happen.

That being said, I am still trying to find a counselor to work with me individually and hopefully eventually both of us. It is really hard to find good counselors, much less get an appointment with them.

I did do a credit check on him and he doesn't appear to have opened any new accounts or taken any loans, which is good. He has 1 card that is just in his name, where he receives and pays the bills online (I otherwise handle all the finances) and a credit card for his business, so that is probably where he is paying for his extracurricular activities. He has not made any big cash withdrawals.

Thanks again to all who have provided advice/support.

You are doing this right!

I got my H to get the vasectomy and put in writing he’d pay for college (1/2) and a few other things before I divorced.

Men usually want to stay they will say they will give up the affairs. The often sincerely want to, but they can’t.

[Anonymous]

OP, having been through this myself, it will be about five years before you can be intimate with him without this coming into your mind one way or the other. It is a long time to live with the legacy of someone else’s bad acts. In your shoes, I would get the divorce. Go slow, but go.

[Anonymous]

Open up your marriage and make an OnlyFans page. That way he can see videos of your own exploits. Women need to stop playing the dutiful wife as far as I’m concerned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

OP the thing to realize which you are about to find out that when you end your sexual relationship with a man you end your financial relationship also. Protect yourself. He will not protect someone he is not sleeping with. Not even the mother of his children.

Goodness this is so dramatic.

OP should protect herself financially but I don’t think that every man whose wife stops sleeping with him is going to immediately drain the bank accounts.

I didn’t say he was going to drain the bank accounts. But if she is no longer sleeping with him his priorities will turn elsewhere and the financial trust is gone. Unless you are controlling the finances you have no idea what he is doing in terms of offshore accounts, trusts, his will, secret purchases; better get the 529s fully funded now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

OP the thing to realize which you are about to find out that when you end your sexual relationship with a man you end your financial relationship also. Protect yourself. He will not protect someone he is not sleeping with. Not even the mother of his children.

Goodness this is so dramatic.

OP should protect herself financially but I don’t think that every man whose wife stops sleeping with him is going to immediately drain the bank accounts.

I didn’t say he was going to drain the bank accounts. But if she is no longer sleeping with him his priorities will turn elsewhere and the financial trust is gone. Unless you are controlling the finances you have no idea what he is doing in terms of offshore accounts, trusts, his will, secret purchases; better get the 529s fully funded now.

Not men are going to be quite so destructive because they aren’t getting some specifically from one person. Plenty of men are married to women who haven’t slept with them in many months or even years and their finances go along as normal. I’m not saying OP shouldn’t protect herself financially—she should and it seems like she’s doing quite a good job of it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're staying regardless so what advice can anyone give you?

Get tested regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

Or you can opt for an open marriage. If you stay with him it’s only fair you get fun on the side too. Honestly more women should go for this as the majority of men will cheat anyway.

I was in the same situation.

We did 2 and 3 for 4 years. He really did commit to counseling and became a much better person/father.

He was disappointed that I still chose #1 in the end but I don’t think he would have done #3 without the hope of staying together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - that would end sexual life with husband forever to me. You can never be certain if he resumes his harmful habits in the future, even if he says so. But I wouldn’t necessarily divorce. I would insist on separate bedrooms, his own bathroom (separate from myself AND the kids) to prevent spread of infections. Herpes can pass to kids as well when using same toilets seats.

And I would tell him I am free dating now as well. Tell the guys you date that you are separated (which in fact what it is).

Toilet seat thing is about as likely as catching COVID from an Amazon package... but agree with you in principle

Fairly certain it is LESS likely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

Or you can opt for an open marriage. If you stay with him it’s only fair you get fun on the side too. Honestly more women should go for this as the majority of men will cheat anyway.

I was in the same situation.

We did 2 and 3 for 4 years. He really did commit to counseling and became a much better person/father.

He was disappointed that I still chose #1 in the end but I don’t think he would have done #3 without the hope of staying together.

Same. Even when it was a personal crisis and they do change for the better, sometimes it’s a deal breaker and no matter why they did it you can’t get over that enormous betrayal of trust.

It’s a shame they have to break three spouse down and cause complex trauma while they fix their own in the process.

[Anonymous]

OP, this man is not your best friend. He is knowingly hurting you each day and is lying to you and your family. You sound smart and accomplished- fortunately you are not financially dependent upon him and can leave. I don’t really think it’s better for your kids to grow up in a household where there is cheating and pain. One of my friends grew up this way, the whole neighborhood knew about her cheating father, and then her parents ended up divorcing once all the kids were out of the house anyway. It was incredibly painful for her to go through even as a young adult. The fact of the matter is that your husband is doing something very selfish and damaging. You don’t need to cover for his mistake. I would consult with a children’s psychologist to determine the best course of action for them- it may not be staying married to someone like your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did today go?

OP here.

First thank you to the many kind and wise posters. It sounds silly, but these have been the most emotionally painful days of my entire life, and these posts provided comfort and helped me think more clearly. I am grateful.

My STD panel came back negative. However, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here, I'm very sure HE has an STD now. And he definitely did not get it from me. So there's more evidence of what is going on.

I am speaking with 2 lawyers next week, planning to retain 1. I am also looking for a therapist. And I have hired a private investigator to track his movements.

I have decided not to confront for a while, though it is very hard. I want to observe, I want more information, and I want to think.

I am very hurt and starting to get more angry. But I also love this man and think he still has many good qualities. I think it is unlikely he will change this behavior, even with counseling, based on everything I now know and see, so it is a question of what I can accept.

When I talk to him, eventually, I think there will be 3 options presented to him:
1. Divorce (and I will give him the name of the attorney I have retained).
2. Stay married as friends who co-parent. Our sexual relationship is over. He is free to do what he wants outside of marriage as long as he is discreet. But I will not be put at risk of STDs. And frankly it is just gross to me to have sex with him while he's also doing it with anonymous partners. As far as I am concerned he has unilaterally ended my sex life, which is sad.
3. Get in counseling and work toward changing his behavior and rebuilding trust. Possibly on that basis resume a monogamous relationship.

I am pretty sure he will choose 2 or 3. I think I prefer 2 for the time being, as I am not sure he can ever do what is required for 3. And i don't want to give him the power to ever hurt me like this again. But we are best friends and our kids are happy, and that could be enough to make 2 work. I am not the jealous type and if he needs things I can't give him, so be it. But he has to get a vasectomy and there are some other measures I would want to put in place like a post-nup perhaps, to protect the kids and me financially if he goes that route.

Anyway that is where I am now. I am crying a little less but still feel like I am carrying around a 100 lb. emotional backpack all day. I wake up in the morning and am happy for a few seconds and them remember everything and feel so so sad. Thanks to all.

Or you can opt for an open marriage. If you stay with him it’s only fair you get fun on the side too. Honestly more women should go for this as the majority of men will cheat anyway.

Many people who want a monogamous relationship just don't want a polygamous one. You might as well as them to have sex with the same gender.

While polygamy is not the same thing technically as an open marriage...I agree with you, PP. But there are posters who come on every DCUM thread about marital problems and recommend open marriage like it's a simple switch anyone can flip, and everyone will suddenly have plenty of partners and will be happy. They do not, or will not, understand that it's a nonstarter for those who want and need monogamy, and they like to argue that monogamy is "not natural" etc. I suspect they never had a positive experience with a monogamous relationship. Their constant insertion of "Just open the marriage" is unhelpful in threads where any OP is not open to that option.

Also, successful polygamous marriages require a strong foundation of trust and open communication. If you're opening the marriage because one of you cheated, that's not exactly starting from a place of trust.