He's cheating. Now what?
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Anonymous
I am the PP who wrote above about things I wish I had done differently. So wild to read your post OP, as I had the exact same experience as you. Sharing so you are not alone: DH had cheated in the past, but when confronted acted shocked and begged to stay together. We had had, I thought, such a great relationship - similar interests, friends, very good sex life, etc. Engaged in marital therapy, but unbeknownst to me he lied the entire time. We stayed together. But, a few months later, prior to his leaving on a business trip, I looked in his suitcase before he left and saw he had packed the condoms we used which were normally in nightstand! OP, IME, it was unsustainable to remain married to a person who can lie so deeply and easily. When I began to really watch him - monitoring cell phone bills credit cards, computer history, searching his belongings, watching car mileage, etc., it became clear that he was using marital $$ to fund this and that the people he was meeting were unsafe and that the behavior extended to so much more (porn, Rx substance and alcohol abuse, etc.) And even scarier was that he seemed to have no tell - I could not discern when he was lying. I knew many of his friends and professional peers well - all of whom thought he was a great guy. He is not a great guy - he is just an excellent liar. My attorney made it clear to me that if we remained married, I would be responsible for - debts he incurred, waste of marital assets on affairs, liability for his behavior, and, should he lose his job (which he might because he was fooling around with people at work), I could be responsible for paying support to him. My kids were 18 mos and 5 years at the time we split. Life is not what I imagined it would be, and the fact that I didn’t want to let go of the idea of a nuclear family kept me in the relationship too long, but ending that relationship was the best thing I could do in a bad situation and ultimately the healthiest thing for me and our kids. They are grown now and doing fine, despite the reality that their Dad’s cheating was reflective of deep character flaws that impacted them. But staying together wouldn’t have prevented that - it would have made it worse. If you were such good friends and he was such a great father, he will also be a good co-parent. If not, that is on him, not you. |
Anonymous
OP here. Anyone can get basic STD panel (HSV1 and 2, HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea) back in 24 hours, which I did after providing samples Thursday morning. Just depends if a lab is busy or not. As for me knowing about his STD, I found an empty bottle of valacyclovir in the bottom of one of his drawers. It is used to treat herpes (and also chickenpox and shingles-- but he doesn't have those) and the prescription date is recent. That would also explain him not wanting to have sex in the last month. But anyway, if you don't believe me, it is OK. Please feel free to skip the thread. Others asked how I was, so I responded, and i've appreciated the support here since this is difficult to discuss with anyone in real life, for reasons other posters have noted (namely, if we stay together my friends and family will hate him if they know). Thanks again to those who have been kind and wise. |
Anonymous
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Oh wow, the information about the antiviral is such a gut punch too. So sorry OP. I’m the PP who thinks he wants to get caught on some level.
He is probably going through his own anguish of a different sort. If you want to try salvaging anything (eg if this is addiction and you think he would be open to therapy), I don’t think you should wait too long to confront. You have a lot of evidence already. I guess an attorney can advise you of what’s enough. I’m glad he’s out of the house so you can at least have a few moments to yourself to scream into a pillow. |
Anonymous
OP, I am so sorry. PLEASE think very carefully before you present options to your DH. He is not the person you thought he was, and you are just finding that out. Give yourself time to reconcile this information. Not only has he been dishonest over and over again, but he has most definitely risked your health. He has shown a complete lack of respect and regard for you and your family, has almost certainly wasted marital funds on his activities (have you looked at your bills and accounts?) and spent time that could gave otherwise been devoted to family (even just on his computer). He has a completely different side to him - you have to start looking at him as someone you don’t really know. You deserve so much better. |
Anonymous
When my ex was cheating he caught shingles god knows where . He traveled and f..d women in Eastern Europe. Shingles is infectious . But I can imagine your horror finding the viral suppressant. |
Anonymous
| OP - you know his SSN for sure. Try to hire a service that does financial screening (all bank accounts, loans etc). They charge about a thousand it’s not 100% accurate but will show his indebtedness and hidden rental apartments. My exH took a $900k loan against marital house , rented an apartment for sexual activities out of state. He was not actually on any business trips, just traveled with mistress on corporate account and was eventually terminated. I got little CS because his income dropped as a result |
Anonymous
This is a good idea. What kind of company does this? |
Anonymous
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OP, I just want to send wishes of support. You did NOT do anything to cause this. I agree with PP that the behavior you describe in your DH probably indicates a fairly deep character flaw that will be hard to overcome, even in therapy. You said earlier in this thread how guilty you felt hiding the STD testing, retaining counsel, etc. - that’s peanuts compared to what he’s been hiding, seemingly with no compunction. Most people can’t engage in that level of deceit without feeling remorse. Again, that’s who HE is, not who you are. You did nothing to deserve this terrible treatment.
Please know that this internet stranger is wishing for the best possible outcome for you and sending hugs. |
Anonymous
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My DH told me he was taking medication for oral herpes because an old infection resurfaced during a time of stress. This can be true for herpes. Come to find out 2 years later (when his retiring doctor sent his medical records home and I opened them because I thought it was a medical bill that needed to be paid) that he had been sleeping with prostitutes and had gone to the doctor, who prescribed medication and tested him for STDs.
More disturbing than the fact that he was diagnosed with an STD and didn’t tell me was the fact that the medical records showed he did not properly follow up on the STD testing (samples had been spoiled and he was asked to come back, which he never did.) That incident made me realize that he was incapable of protecting me. I was attributing rationality and control to him that he simply didn’t have in the sexual and interpersonal area even though he seemed like a normal adult and held down a reasonably good job. |
Anonymous
| Just look the other way |
Anonymous
I used this one below it gives you wherever he applied for a credit line or registered assets under his name and using SSN (but won't give you trusts). You can google "forensic assets, accounts loans search" it will give you options www.assetsearchesonline.com |
Anonymous
It was quite obvious to me from OP's first update that this was a tall tale, and I'm someone who wrote a long, thoughtful response in this thread before it. OP discovered the infidelity and by the next morning had been to get STD tested, retained a lawyer, AND found and hired a PI? While having a demanding job and kids to deal with? Yeah, no. I called a plumber a few days ago and their first available appointment is in January. OP has magic powers it seems. Now there are drawers and suitcases full of sex supplies? Too much OP, too much. |
Anonymous
OP, Does HSV blood testing catch herpes if the infection isn’t active? And does this screening test those STDs that take time to appear? Admittedly I don’t know much about them and the time tables and since you’re a doctor you would know. I’m better on the financial side of things. Requesting credit reports is free and easy from the three major companies. It’s a good idea to do it regularly anyway. Alternate so can review more frequently. The sex items in luggage is awful. I’m glad you don’t have be around him for a few days while it is all so new. |
Anonymous
The OP is a physician - she knows how to function at a much higher level than most of us while under extreme pressure. (Also, you’re comparing medical offices and family law attorneys to a plumber? You don’t understand how different businesses operate, methinks.) |
Anonymous
Shingles is the same virus as chicken pox, and is a type of herpes. I gather OP knows this from her recent post. It is typically not sexually transmitted because if you have a mild outbreak with few or no sores, you can't really transmit it, and if you have a serious outbreak, you are usually not in any mood to have sex. It is more likely that your DH had the virus from childhood chicken pox and his travel or work caused him to get run down, causing the outbreak of shingles. All that's just to say, his shingles probably weren't from philandering and are not a type of the STD herpes. |